Even if you’re not a fan of astrology, you have to admit it’s at least an easy way to relate to your 18-year-old coworkers who just graduated high school (besides asking if they like Justin Bieber) or making small talk with an awkward customer while waiting for the next song to start. If you’re into astrology, then you’re in luck. We at Tits and Sass want you to wish you a happy and prosperous new year with some work-centric horoscopes from Miss Kenny.
Aries: In 2013, it’s your time to release yourself from the bonds of strict planning and setting rigid goals. Maybe you’ve decided that you’ll do double shifts so you can buy a house (or an alpine white Range Rover). Maybe you’ve decided this is the year your longtime boyfriend BETTER propose to you. Maybe you’ve decided to quit the industry altogether and focus on getting your real estate license so you can be as fabulous as Fredrik Eklund (LOVE HIM!). The point is, I know you’re ambitious, but this year you can ease up just a smidgen—stop to smell the flowers, so to speak. You’ll find that when you take the scenic route you discover more about yourself than you would in the fast lane.
Taurus: This year, let’s try to see the good in all things and people (i.e. douchebag customers). As the bull tends to be a bit misanthropic, I think this is a good time to not allow those guys who wear sunglasses indoors to get on your nerves so much. You lean towards glass half empty, so this year try to alter that damaging mindset. Use your wit and humor to make more money, even if you have to smile through gritted teeth every now and again. To the victor belong the spoils. So in 2013, make yourself the victor in every situation even when face-to-face with the cocky jerk drowning in Axe, bragging about his Camaro.
How it took so long for someone to record a song with “Left cheek, right cheek” in the refrain is beyond me. If the video’s been taken down, go here to listen.
Also in stripper music this week, in the department of “fuck no, I’m not dancing to that,” two men with a history of mistreating women have some strip club tracks upcoming. There’s the R. Kelly remix of Travis Porter’s “Make It Rain” and Chris Brown recording strip club-targeted track called “Spend it All.”
“Pony” and “Closer” continue to dominate their respective regions. Can “Drop It Like It’s Hot” credibly challenge “Pony?” “Fuck The Pain Away” has a reasonable shot at “Closer” thanks to its consistently strong showing, but I hope we aren’t deprived of a semifinal matchup between Ginuwine and Nine Inch Nails. “I Touch Myself” has pulled off a major upset of “Girls, Girls, Girls” to compete with “Pour Some Sugar On Me” for the Classics title, and the Rock region trends ever gothier as “The Beautiful People” and “More Human Than Human” face off.
Voting is open now until Thursday, when the Final Four will be announced.