Your 2013 Stripper Horoscope

Even if you’re not a fan of astrology, you have to admit it’s at least an easy way to relate to your 18-year-old coworkers who just graduated high school (besides asking if they like Justin Bieber) or making small talk with an awkward customer while waiting for the next song to start. If you’re into astrology, then you’re in luck. We at Tits and Sass want you to wish you a happy and prosperous new year with some work-centric horoscopes from Miss Kenny. 

Aries: In 2013, it’s your time to release yourself from the bonds of strict planning and setting rigid goals. Maybe you’ve decided that you’ll do double shifts so you can buy a house (or an alpine white Range Rover). Maybe you’ve decided this is the year your longtime boyfriend BETTER propose to you. Maybe you’ve decided to quit the industry altogether and focus on getting your real estate license so you can be as fabulous as Fredrik Eklund (LOVE HIM!). The point is, I know you’re ambitious, but this year you can ease up just a smidgen—stop to smell the flowers, so to speak. You’ll find that when you take the scenic route you discover more about yourself than you would in the fast lane.

Taurus: This year, let’s try to see the good in all things and people (i.e. douchebag customers). As the bull tends to be a bit misanthropic, I think this is a good time to not allow those guys who wear sunglasses indoors to get on your nerves so much. You lean towards glass half empty, so this year try to alter that damaging mindset. Use your wit and humor to make more money, even if you have to smile through gritted teeth every now and again. To the victor belong the spoils. So in 2013, make yourself the victor in every situation even when face-to-face with the cocky jerk drowning in Axe, bragging about his Camaro.

Gemini: My advice for you will be the polar opposite of our Aries friends. Maybe you hop from club to club. Maybe you take weeks off from working because the DJ won’t let you play a set of Tyga and The Smiths. Maybe you keep forgetting to foster relationships with your wealthy regulars because you never text them back. Whatever it may be, try this year to work harder at sticking to your guns. Set goals and don’t stop until you achieve them. Your laid-back charm can work to your advantage if you apply it correctly.

Cancer: Your sensitivity is one of your greatest gifts. You relate to people in an unspoiled fashion. But you also become easily hurt and disappointed by human behavior. Sometimes you’d rather curl up in a ball than face the unpleasantness of the world. But in 2013, attempt to break out of your shell a little more each day. After all, there is money to be made, and you can’t avoid the club forever just because the girl with the bad extensions stole your song and the manager said to lay off the Pizza Hut. Blow it off and let yourself shine!

Leo: Since you usually get what you want, 2013 will probably be a prosperous year for you. My grandma used to say “Leos always fall in a tub of butter,” meaning that, no matter what, they usually score a sweetheart deal. Since you’ve been lucky in this sense, this year I recommend trying to go beyond your comfort zone for the people around you. Share that curling iron! Bring a box of doughnuts to the dressing room! Give your free 11^th night away to your homegirl! Whatever you do, pay it forward.

Virgo: You are constantly looking out for other people out of the kindness of your heart, and occasionally it sets you back. It’s okay to be a little selfish sometimes. You don’t have to console your sobbing customer about his divorce or always pick up your friend from her sugardaddy’s house when he’s too belligerently drunk to take her home. Your caring spirit is a virtue—just use 2013 to transition into taking more time for yourself so you can develop your hustle first before you help everyone else with theirs. And don’t feel guilty, either—sometimes the best gift you can give someone is removing their crutch so they can learn to walk without it.

Libra: You’re often a little too fair. You are the scales, after all, always weighing the positives and negatives of any circumstance. This year, don’t be afraid to take an unwavering stand. If your politician client is an asshole, drop him. If girls always slather your MAC Oyster Girl lipglass on without asking, tell them to stop. If your friend’s injections are getting to be too much, bring it up! It’s better to confront your troubles than to avoid them or, even worse, allow them to continue for the sake of being nice. There are pros and cons to everything, of course. Just be aware of when the cons outweigh the pros.

Scorpio: As much as you’d like to, you can’t control everything. You often feel as if you deserve to be in a position of power at all times, since you’ve got a keen ability to handle people and dominate situations. However, this year, I recommend pumping your brakes. If you notice your regular slowing up on the VIPs, your friends answering your calls less, or your benefactor being a little stingier with his Centurion card, reflect. It’s possibly because you’ve become a tad too domineering. Use your authority where it counts—on a sub!

Sagittarius: You call it like you see it and you can do bad all by yourself. You have a tendency to put on a tough front because you detest pity, and after all, you are extremely strong. This year, forget your pride and ask for assistance if you truly need it. If your rent is late, don’t be too shy to ask the man (or woman) in your life to help you out. If your curls end up looking more Irish Water Spaniel than Shirley Temple, let someone else do your damn hair. You are a pillar of independence, but you can be far more successful if you let others chip in on occasion. Try it in 2013.

Capricorn: If you summon all your strength and use it suitably, you can do practically anything. Frequently you get caught up on the wrong shit. Usually your intentions are good, but you know better. My suggestion for this new year is to use every morsel of your being to focus on what exactly it is that you want to do—and go for it. You have the constitution; maintaining looks or helping others just often distracts you. Say goodbye to your deadbeat amigos, leave that club with the skeet on the walls, or find a better dungeon. You’re a woman on a mission in 2013.

Aquarius: You’re the life of the party until the party ends. You have quite a few acquaintances, but many of your alliances are shallow and short-lived. This year, try to add depth and passion to your pursuits and you will find that it helps you in the long run. If you always stay in calm waters, you won’t rock the boat, but you certainly also won’t sail very far. Buy your DJ a bag of cinnatwists and ask him about his daughters. Have a heartfelt chat with the girl with a mean pimp. Be genuinely interested when you ask customers how they’re doing. In 2013, be like Barbara Walters and ask the deep questions. It may take you farther than you’d imagine.

Pisces: Your dreams and fantasies envelop you to the point that you struggle with reality. This is a good thing if you are aware of your propensity for drifting off into your own little world. In 2013, use your imagination to your advantage. Get creative at work with your outfits, music, makeup, and hustle. Visualize everything you want whether it’s an Audi, a hot lawyer, or a condo at the Marina—and then make a plan to acquire. Make use of any little inventive techniques that keep your stilettos on the ground while still allowing for a taste of whimsy.