Naked Music Monday

Gangsta Boo isn't in the mood. Pay up or get out.

Gangsta Boo isn’t in the mood. Pay up or get out.

We all have those nights when shaving your entire body, gluing on false lashes, and fake smiling at customers seem like the most laborious tasks imaginable. Now, you can either cop out and decide that the club is PROBABLY going to be dead anyway so you MIGHT AS WELL watch Netflix in bed all night, or you can try to change your attitude. When I know that I have no choice but to drag my ass to the club, and I have to get in the mood to deal with a mind-numbing evening of “What’s your REAL name?” and “I just came in for a beer,” I turn to musical inspiration. The right combination of songs can transform me from a motionless sloth in a blanket-burrito to a perfectly coiffed seductress ready to empty all the wallets.

I’ve spent a lot of time considering how music affects my mood for work, and my theory is that rap lyrics about getting money are actually a form of positive affirmation. Yep, that hokey New Age “Law of Attraction” stuff. As I’m getting ready for work, listening to Lil’ Kim say “fuck bitches, get money” truly puts me in the mindset to get ALL the money and disregard ALL the bitches. If you tell yourself something enough times, it becomes your truth. So my pre-work twerking in the mirror can actually be considered a sort of meditation…right?

Here are my Get Money Anthems (playlist here), guaranteed to inspire you to be on your hustle. [READ MORE]

{ 6 comments }

There was a long time when I first started working as a strip club DJ when I’d engage in small talk with customers. Almost always it led to them saying “You must have the best job in the world!” It was hard to understand why. I don’t have benefits. Trying to get days off is a daunting effort, and when I have to cover for another DJ I am yelled at for reaching overtime. I’m the whipping boy of management and certain dancers. Then the slow realization dawns of why they think it’s so great: I get to look at naked women all day.

So I wonder what they’d think if they knew they were talking to a fag (well, queer male, in the Rainer Werner Fassbinder/Paul Bowles sense. I’m attracted to women romantically and intellectually, but mostly sleep with men) who remains pretty indifferent to all the nudity. But since I don’t really want to discuss any more with them, or ruin any part of the illusion that comes with the territory, I nod and say “Yup,” then proceed back to my booth.

I’ve worked at two different clubs and there’s not much to the job. I come in, turn on the sound equipment and lights, put music on shuffle and wait out the day until I can clock out, chatting with the dancers or staff when free or not reading a book. I’m not out to my coworkers by any means for fear of being fired. In an industry that hires solely on looks and can fire someone for such bullshit excuses as saying no to a drink when already very drunk or trying to signal a customer over from stage, I’m sure a queer man in a highly hetero male space would cause waves. [READ MORE]

{ 2 comments }

Spring is sprung and so are the customers; once the vernal equinox kicks in, the whole world’s extra horny. So when you’re taking the stage this week, go all out and play these, the sexiest possible songs to strip to. We’ve pulled together the best, can’t-fail, guaranteed to draw customers to the rack picks for your stage sets this week, all of which come from first-or-second-hand experience as actual songs heard in the strip club. Here’s the full playlist on YouTube.

“That Smell,” Lynyrd Skynyrd

When the DJ plays this for you, you know you’ve been tipping him great and he’s trying to send the customers a message that they should get up close and personal.

“She’s Got The Jack,” AC/DC

You want the customers to know you’re up for a good time!

[READ MORE]

{ 4 comments }

buttheart

Happy Valentine’s Day, lovers.

Friday is Valentine’s Day, that special day wherein we celebrate patriarchal norms and reinforce insulting gender stereotypes with rampant consumerism.

So romantic.

Valentine’s Day is one of the those special “off” days that happen every-so-often in the strip club. Working the night of one these off days is never business-as-usual—it’s usually, business-as-oh-my-God-did-that-just-happen. The day of Cupid falls on a Friday this year, and there’s going to be a full moon.

Get ready. [READ MORE]

{ 5 comments }

This is how it's done, ladies. (Image via the Tear Off Your Shirt Like Hulk Hogan Facebook page)

This is how it’s done, ladies. (Image via the Tear Off Your Shirt Like Hulk Hogan Facebook page)

Another day, another strip club in a music video that’s too good to be true. Then again, unlike Rihanna’s “Pour It Up,”  this one is actually too bad to be true. Today, we bring you Bruno Mars’s video for his new single, “Gorilla.” Apparently Mars and the director, Cameron Duddy, did an “exhaustive amount of research,” and determined that regular strip clubs are just too boring.  Duddy said, on record, that they would visit a club and have “one drink and leave.”

Gee, thanks guys.  [READ MORE]

{ 0 comments }