Home My Sex Work Bucket List My Sex Work Bucket List: Johanna

My Sex Work Bucket List: Johanna

Marilyn in a publicity still for “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” (1953). This is my actual money counting face.

Before I became a hooker I was broke and kind of miserable, and while I’ve been both of those things since then as well, sex work has become a central and fulfilling part of my life. As a certified crazy person, whoring is a viable option for me where other more structured employment isn’t, and the connections it offers me with other sex workers are incredibly enriching. Even when I hate turning tricks it’s hard to imagine what a life without it would look like. All the same, one day I’m bound to move on. These are the things I’d like to squeeze in (hurr hurr)  before then.

1) Be really expensive.

I’m not snobby. I’ve done different kinds of sex work, and provided different styles of service for different amounts of money, and I feel fine about all of those. But in New Zealand, where I cut my teeth, even doing “high class” GFE-style escorting meant earning the same amount that I can earn in Australia for a basic no extras session in your average brothel. Before I quit, I’d like to be a bona-fide high-end call girl (in a country where men actually want to spend real money). I want the satisfaction of building my brand, I want the (perceived) glamour, and I want the bragging rights. I’m aware this is more than a little problematic, but I’m okay with that. Also, I really like money.

2) Maintain a genuinely lucrative sugar baby/daddy relationship Convince a man on a sugar dating site to buy me a pug.

I don’t know why I’m obsessed with (the idea of) sugar dating. I have plenty of evidence that escorting works well for me, and plenty of evidence that sugar dating is an infuriating waste of my time, but for some reason it’s the dream that just won’t die. My theory is that the sugar daddy represents both The Ultimate Hustle and also fairy-tale-level, lottery winning-like good luck. It’s a perfect fantasy. I imagine an extremely generous benefactor who understands boundaries, demands no more or possibly less work and time than a normal client, and showers me with money. I imagine diamonds (just little ones), and maybe a car (I can’t drive, but that’s not the point).

I know literally no one for whom any version of this has come to fruition, yet I still secretly imagine that it might happen for me. Which it won’t. Which is why my revised version of this goal is to convince an aspiring sugar daddy to buy me a pug dog. I am prepared to spend up to two weeks emailing, and go on maybe two short dates in order to achieve this. I would possibly stretch to a blow job, maybe. Yes, I could just see normal clients and use my own damn money to buy an overpriced dog who needs someone to clean its face folds for it, but this isn’t about that. It’s about skills – specifically, the time honored hooker skill of manipulating an adult man into giving you what you want and feeling great about it while they do it. Maybe, if I unlock this achievement, I can finally quit my unhealthy sugar dating infatuation for good. Also, pug!

3) Successfully save a reasonably large amount of money.

In my time as a sex worker I’ve earned well and I’ve earned poorly, and when I’ve made enough to have money left over after rent and basic necessities (read: alcohol), I’ve sometimes saved a bit, but never really enough to do more than cover unexpected illness or the occasional bit of travel. I’m never going to be one of those responsible hookers who saves more than they spend, but before I throw in the towel for good, whenever that is, I want to have saved up a decent nest egg. Not the most exciting bucket list entry in the world, I know, but there it is. Be proud, mum.

4) School a client. Loudly, with swear words. And then quit forever.

I’ve put up with a lot from clients. That’s part of the job. Bad attitudes, terrible politics, uncomfortably terrible sexual technique, offensive personal manner. Usually I make an intentional and strategic decision to manage my way through that, or out of it, if it crosses a line, but always politely and professionally. A kind of ‘I’ll take your bullshit, but I’ll also take your cash, buddy” approach. Once, when a client assaulted me, I did have a good yell (and also pressed charges), but even then I barely let my well-rehearsed facade slip for a more than a few minutes. I like my job, and I’m proud of my professional skills in managing difficult clients, but like many service workers I  also get tired of being nice to entitled jerks all the time.

So, one day, when I no longer care about reviews or reputation or continued business, I’d like to tell a disrespectful and annoying client that he’s a sexist creeper who should be paying at least $5000 an hour just to compensate me for the labour of breathing near him, and explain all the ways that his conduct make both my job as a sex worker and my existence as a woman (both things which I otherwise quite enjoy) exhausting and stressful. I would call him the kind of names that would make an Australian politician blush, and then just as a final (petty) flourish, I would tell him that all my orgasms were faked, before sweeping out of the room, and the industry, forever.


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Johanna is a hooker and a professional humiliatrix from New Zealand, now residing in Australia. She tutors in Media Studies, and is definitely probably going to start her MA any day now, honest. Her hobbies include drinking, righteous anger, and the internet (preferably at the same time). twitter.com/freetrial69.


    • Yay, I’m pleased you like them. I enjoyed writing mine way more than I expected to. It was a really nice chance to reflect a little.

  1. Nice list! Number two had me chuckling. I’ve done sugaring before and it can be intensely frustrating. Most of the men are either A.) Lying about how much money the actually have B.) Say things like “I have beautiful women around me all the time, what makes you so special? C.) Are intensely awkward and actually have to pay a woman just to tolerate them through a dinner date.

    I read some sugar baby posts on Tumblr and it amazes me that some of them write “my first investment will be a Yorkie (insert other tiny, yippy dog)”. Dogs aren’t investments! haha They can be lovely companions but also require a certain amount of maintenance. But…if it makes them happy, so be it. Good luck finding the man to buy you a pug! 🙂

  2. Done 1, 2, 3 and 4. It seems to me that #s 1 and 2 go together. The girls I know who have found lucrative, solid sugardaddy relationships were also (usually) working as expensive escorts as well. Make 1 work for you and 2 has a better chance of happening. Though I still don’t think highly of those sugardaddy sites because they just seem full of cheap, bad clients. (My own SD experiences have been terrible because, once again, I do a horrible job of keeping the fantasy going.)

    As for 4, just write a public blog, using your work name. All the schooling you want to dish out!

  3. Done No. 4, many a time. Even weirder when they come back to see you again after you’ve yelled at them. *shrug*

  4. My pug’s name is Lucille (Bluth). She is my soulmate and she doesn’t give a fuck about how I get my money.

    I truly hope that your dreams manifest…especially #2. Keep us posted?

  5. Re: #4: My best regular is the one I once dropped in a brutally honest stream of PMS texts. (Yes, it was impulsive but he’d earned every bit of that unsolicited feedback.) After that he worked very hard to get back in my good graces and now he’s my most reliable, generous and well-behaved regular. So, there’s that.

    And I don’t have the sugar baby fantasy… Maybe I’ve spent too much time listening to my sugar baby friends vent about their weird/shitty/demanding/cheap sugar daddies.

    My sex work bucket list is short: work as a domme for reals, travel as an “atmosphere model” (but for rich clients, not liquor brands etc.), live near mountains, get paid to go skiing, and own a dog that weighs more than me.

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