Beach season is upon us, which means it’s time to exploit the opportunity to read trashy books free of judgement. Gone are the days when it was protocol to leave ashtrays out for your houseguests, but you’d have to hide your copy of Valley of the Dolls. Nope, these days sexless secretaries commuting in pantyhose and sneakers can ride public transit proudly rocking a real (not Kindle) copy of Fifty Shades, because she’s advertising her deeply buried kinky side.
If a terribly-written BDSM novel by a layperson is at the top of the bestseller list, I’m thinking ACTUAL sex workers can do better; or we can simply indulge in penning one of these cheesy hypothetical sex worker reads (warning, political incorrectness to follow).
The Hooker Booker: Sympathetic tale of a former escort who is washed up and is now a phone madam.
From Slippers to Stripper: A clichéd downward spiral tale about a classically trained ballet dancer who started stripping.
Whore in Times of War: The exploits of a traveling prostitute who follows areas of conflict to service sex-starved military men and United Nations workers.
Phone Sex Train Wrecks: A collection of phone sex blooper transcripts.
Highbrow Hooker: The story of a well-bred WASP whose is left to her own devices when her family disowns her.
Gold Digger Pulls the Trigger: A wronged sugar baby gets the ultimate revenge on her deceitful “daddy.”
From Tending Bar to Porn Star: An LA bartender with flatlining tips rapidly ascends to porn stardom when a producer discovers her at work.
Muster of Hustlers: Uplifting story of sex workers rallying to protest violence against and stigma toward them.
Domme ’til Dawn: A struggling single mom’s memoir of working overnights at a dungeon to support her young son.
Whores of Yore: Sentimental account of the “good old days” throughout history when whores were more courtesan-ish in general, like Gigi or geishas.
Live Links Hijinks: A phone sex call center is staffed by a sassy crew of ladies who get a huge kick out of hamming it up for hapless nerds.
The Wizard of Lot Lizards: A seasoned truck stop working girl mentors vulnerable young runaways, teaching them to weed out bad apple truck drivers.
The Don of Johns: The account of a self-proclaimed top dog in the John community.
Recession Concessions: A girl slides into sex work due to the bad economy, repeatedly loosening her boundaries to secure cash flow.
Scarlet the Harlot: A Southern Belle escort with a penchant for all things Gone With The Wind. Responds well to nickname “Katie Scarlet.”
Pussy Control: A pimped girl finds the strength to work on her own. She relocates and a Sleeping With The Enemy plot ensues.
Working Girl of the World: A well-traveled escort’s anecdotes about working her way around he world turning tricks to avoid hostels.
Retro Ho: A ’70s hooker waxes nostalgic about the good old groovy days.
John in Taiwan: An anonymous memoir about a journey into sex tourism.
Destitute Prostitute: An escort finds her star falling, probably due to a vindictive TER review. She switches to agency work to make quick money to reinvent her indy identity and bounces back.
From Cash to Crash: A girl living above her means due to “new money” gets a reality check when the stock market crashes.
Paying Rent in Dead Presidents: How to Live on the Grid as a Sex Worker and Build Your Future: Written, ideally by a retired sex worker gone CPA.
From Paper to Caper: Due to sluggish biz at her club, a stripper resorts to scamming guys who offer to pay for sex.
Forlorn in Porn: An aspiring porn star keeps settling because her star isn’t rising; finds herself doing anal shoots on the cheap.
Ukraine in Vain: A would-be mail order husband’s disappointing attempt to find love in Kiev.
Bachelorette Bad Debt: An obnoxiously drunk bachelorette party walks out on their Thunder From Down Under tab. The Waiter Rant male stripper equivalent about obnoxious customers.
Dance to Advance: A self-help book by a super-stripper instructing newbies how to use stripping as a means to an end. (The knock-off Strip and Grow Rich)
The Prostitution Solution: an 8 part series on solving your financial woes through the ‘oldest profession.'” Advertised as a late night infomercial on adult TV channels.
From Exotic to Psychotic: a naive exotic dancer’s descent in to madness. (The industry will of course be blamed & vilified if written by a civilian, but I’ll try and beat them to it.)
Worked the Pole and Sold my Soul: a proselytizing memoir of a born-again former stripper trying to rescue girls still in the game.
How to Accept Being Kept: a guide for women who rely 100% on a man who won’t marry them and could disappear at whim.
Turning Tricks for Dicks: a jaded internet escort’s recollection of asshole Johns, vignette-style. Bottom line=she mis-marketed herself.
Mail Order Hoarder: the true crime story of a serial mail order bride consumer who kills his wives and hoards the bodies like Norman Bates
The Dancer With Cancer: a sentimeental story of an insurance company foresaking a young diagnosed lady who must fund treatment (and wigs) stripping.
Champagne Room Groom: A high-profile bachelor’s VIP room exploits ruin his career and marriage, scores a stripper her book deal.