Dear Tits and Sass: Noisy Ladyparts Edition

by suzyhooker on September 21, 2011 · 11 comments

in Dear Tits and Sass

via PipiTheCracker

This Dear Tits and Sass goes out to all the working girls with unruly vaginas. Good luck getting those suckers under control! As always, if you are struggling with a sex work related dilemma, you can email info [at] titsandsass.com and we’ll give some advice or at least some moral support. Reminder: we cannot tell you how to successfully break the law, so don’t ask (Aspiring hookers, this means you).

Dear Tits and Sass

I have been a stripper a little over a week and have an embarrassing problem. When I give a lap-dance, I sit on the guy and dance a little with legs open. Sometimes some air gets into my vag. When I change positions, or if they ask me to show them my cunt, maneuvering to give them a good view often means that I queef. I am mortified when this happens, as it totally puts me off and breaks me out of my ‘stripper persona.’ Researching on google, it seems there is not much I can do about it other than possibly Kegels? But for some people it seems to make it even louder, so I really don’t know. 🙁
Thanks for your help,
The Queefer

 

Bettie: Full Disclosure- I am a queefer. I only notice it if I am naked, but I imagine it happens even if I am not. Like, if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it….

But I have gotten way better about it, and I can only attribute that to one thing: Callanetics.  I suppose it’s all the clenching of the pelvic floor you have to do, but it’s really helped me when I know I am in danger of queefing and don’t want to. I just wish I could control it so much that I could make them happen! I imagine here is someone out there with a queefing fetish just waiting to blow their cash on me and my noisy woman-bits.

Charlotte: I am not a stripper but I do have a vagina, and it does occasionally let out rose-scented bursts of air. Maybe mine is particularly capacious—I am a self-professed size queen, which perhaps explains a lot—but I’ve also got pretty decent pelvic muscle control. (I can squeeze on guys when they’re inside me and get a big reaction; I can also squeeze out semen when my boyfriend celebrates being my only condom-less partner.) Anyway, I queef fairly regularly when coming out of inversions during an asana practice, and the closest I’ve come to controlling them is clenching like crazy…but if air has been sucked in, it’s going to be pushed out at some point, so it’s not an issue of if as much as it is an issue of when. I don’t know that kegels will help, but they’re fun to do anyway and it’s very satisfying to feel your vaginal muscles get stronger. I’ve also noticed that if my vagina is full of something (like the makeup sponges I use in place of tampons so I can work on my period) it doesn’t happen because there’s no extra space for air to get into.

I think the best approach is to try to ignore it and keep doing your thing without comment. I queef during particularly athletic sex, particularly with those guys who like to kneel on the bed, grab my ass, and pull my crotch up to them like they’re in a pie eating contest and don’t want to bother with bending down. Anytime my pussy is elevated above my head for a prolonger period of time, queefing is almost a guarantee, so I figure we both have to live through it. If the client is really making me earn my money, like fingering me while I’m lifted up or trying to screw me in a pile driver positions, and doing generally bizarre things he probably “learned” while watching porn, I’m definitely going to sound like a punctured balloon once he sets me down. My response to this when it happens? Usually laughter. Because there’s nothing quite as ridiculous as a queef, let alone a long string of them. In my experience, the client often ignores it, either because he’s so horny and lust-crazed that he doesn’t notice or because he just doesn’t care. I think guys are much more forgiving of our unsexy aspects than we are. We want to appear like air-brushed supermodels at all times but they’re just happy to have an uninhibited, cheerful girl keep them company.

My stripping-ignorant question: wouldn’t most strip clubs play their music loud enough to drown out queefs?

Catherine: I’ve never been much of a queefer, for whatever reason, but my philosophy with customers is informed by what my mom used to tell me when dealing with spiders or bumblebees: they’re more afraid of you than you are of them. They’re usually so excited to be in your presence that as long as your attitude stays positive and you don’t sweat the small stuff, they’ll leave satisfied.

Bubbles: I just don’t have any experience here, not being a queefer myself, though I have danced in full nude clubs for the majority of my stripping days. I guess I’d tell you not to do the moves that precede a good queef? Or follow Kat’s advice on what to do when you’re gassy at work. You could make it a specialty, though! Just act like you meant to do it. Use eyelash glue to stick some tiny streamers on your labia so they can flutter prettily. If Veri Knotty could make tying her labia minora together into a novelty act, imagine what you could do with controlled queefing.

Kat: I really thought this question was about as real as Alexa DiCarlo, because queefing is not even on my list of concerns when I’m at the strip club. I used to work with an original Suicide Girl who prided herself on her ability to queef on command. It was something she did in the dressing room just for the ladies, but now after a quick Google search for “queef fetish,” I’m wondering if she should have capitalized on her special talent. I guess I’m supposed to say that kegel exercises are always good and that you should be doing them right now because you’re supposed to be doing kegels every time you look at the internet, but fuck that. Kegels are a conspiracy created by men with small penises to make us feel like our vaginas aren’t naturally tight enough and that we should be working harder to make penetrative sex better for them. Also, I think you should train to queef the alphabet.

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

story September 21, 2011 at 12:53 pm

one time when i queefed during sex, my partner said, “oops sorry i pushed air into you.” and i thought that was brilliant and so sexy that he took responsibility for my queefing. from there on out whenever i queef during sex i say “oh man, you pushed air into me, it’s going to come out now!”

for strip queefing, tightening is good advice but do tighten BEFORE you think the air is going to get sucked in because as charlotte said at some point it will come out. tightening your vag will prevent it from coming in and give you some time holding it in but at some point it will expel.

there’s also the old groaning sexily loud enough in your customer’s ear to drown out the queef sound trick.

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wonderhussy October 13, 2011 at 12:57 am

Great avatar!! I wish I could use an avatar like that on Facebook…but alas….I’d be deleted in the time it takes to say “labia minora.”

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Tara September 21, 2011 at 7:38 pm

I would just move my queefy parts away before the queef.

But hey, did y’all know too many kegels are bad? Also they are only half the muscles. Whenever you kegel you should reverse kegel by pushing out as well.

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TastyTrixie September 24, 2011 at 2:46 pm

I’ve never heard that too many kegels are bad, but I can believe it and want to hear why/what happens if you do too many.

I was told to imagine taking an elevator up to the top floor (the suck-up/squeeze action), but making sure you also take the elevator all the way back down to the basement (pushing out action).

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Donna September 26, 2011 at 7:50 pm

“A kegel attempts to strengthen the PF [pelvic floor muscle], but it really only continues to pull the sacrum inward promoting even more weakness, and more PF gripping. The muscles that balance out the anterior pull on the sacrum are the glutes. A lack of glutes (having no butt) is what makes this group so much more susceptible to PFD. Zero lumbar curvature (missing the little curve at the small of the back) is the most telling sign that the PF is beginning to weaken. Deep, regular squats (pictured in hunter-gathering mama) create the posterior pull on the sacrum. Peeing like this in the shower is a great daily practice, as is relaxing the PF muscles to make sure that you’re not squeezing the bathroom muscle closers too tight. Just close them enough…An easier way to say this is: Weak glutes + too many Kegels = PFD [pelvic floor dysfunction].” –Katy Bowman (http://mamasweat.blogspot.com/2010/05/pelvic-floor-party-kegels-are-not.html)

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Charlotte Shane September 26, 2011 at 10:14 pm

That is a fascinating interview! I’m curious about two things: 1) what she would think about male kegels and 2) if part of her concern is due to the fact that most people probably just squeeze their entire undercarriage as hard as they can and scrunch up everything, anus and taint included. I think as I’ve gotten older I’ve felt able to engage the muscles inside my vagina a lot more sensitively, and several years into our relationship, my boyfriend started saying that if I came while he was inside of me, he could feel me doing the milking/ripple thing. This site, by the way, is hysterical: http://www.oocities.org/steve4502/vagfacts.html

It makes sense to me that the body always benefits from balance—it’s bad to work out any muscle if you never stretch it to counteract the tightening (Thanks, fat cocks.) But this coming from the girl who taught herself to shoot ping pongs just for kicks, so I may be trying extra hard to justify my life choices.

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Sequoia September 21, 2011 at 9:10 pm

if you can queef on command, try using a harmonica…its kind of hillarious.

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Lady September 21, 2011 at 10:56 pm

I’m the one who asked this question… so yes, I’m real.

I’ve been working at the club for a month now. To Charlotte: The music is loud in the club itself, but not so much in the lapdance room. Different Managers also play the music different volumes. One manager turns the music down so much I can barely hear the beat while on stage.

I have basically just been avoiding positions where my vag is above my head, since that is what seems to cause it most. Thank you all so much for your responses. It means so much to me, as reading your blogs and candidness and humour is what convinced me to go for this job, and have a healthy relationship to the role. Love and Respect to you all.

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Lilly Muse October 3, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Queefing is definitely an embarrassing reality for us gals who regularly present our vaginas to strangers. In my opinion it’s neither sexy nor gross, so when it happens I either ignore it or laugh. The silver line is it’s not nearly as bad as farting in a client’s face, which I almost did the other day. Again with the need for strong pelvic control.

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Piper October 5, 2011 at 5:07 am

Guilty of being a queefer. I mostly just laugh. I’ve never had it discussed, and I’ve never had it be something guys ended dances over. Hell, I’ve farted on many men who didn’t end dances or say a damn thing! I suppose if someone did choose to say something, I’d be inclined to give them the response I give my significant other during sex: “Haha. You heard that? Well, it had to come out. And I can’t take it back.”

@Charlotte: I’m totally buying some ping pong balls now. I figured that stuff was for the extremely gifted kind, and was not a talent to be acquired. I’m going to start my investigation tomorrow. I’m completely curious, and it never occurred to me that I *could* try.

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