Dear Tits and Sass

by suzyhooker on July 15, 2011 · 4 comments

in Dear Tits and Sass, Strippers

by Sim Dawdler on flickr

Please welcome our very first Dear Tits and Sass entry, wherein one of our readers needs to know what to do about her stalker of two years’ fiancé of six years.

While we aren’t planning on routinely answering questions for newbies or outsiders (we don’t want pandering charges, among other reasons), every now and then there comes a question that begs to be answered… and shared. If you are an current sex worker with an unusual predicament, you can email info [at] titsandsass.com and we’ll do our best to help or call in a guest who can.

Dear Tits and Sass,
I’m hoping you can help me with a serious problem: a stalker and his fiancé. One Friday almost two years ago, a man approached me at the club and asked for dances. When we reached the private dance room, he paid me to sit and chat for four songs. He also made me a money ring (that I later realized was made with a $100), which he put on my finger. After getting dances he left the club immediately and I never saw him there again.

At the time I was also receiving multiple messages from one particular guy via my work social networking profiles, but I’d never responded to them. Shortly after that customer visited me, the online messaging resumed, and when he made reference to his night at the club I realized he was that customer. In his messages he mentioned seeing me in the parking lot of a local store, at the gym, and stopped at a light, meaning that he knows what car I drive and the area in which I live. Here is one example:

“I would start to say your following me, but I cant say who pulled into the parking lot of (store) first today me or you [...] And if you think im the one following you forget about it. My enthusiasm for you has waned considerably, but thats more of a reflection of me than you. One minute im white hot about things, people, and situations then the next minute luke warm to ice cold, add to that impulsiveness and questionable decision making and thats me in a nutshell. There’s a clinical name for it, but its such an ugly term I dont like it [...] the universe has a way of aligning you with the things you desire most, so if you wanna stop runnin into me ,maybe you should stop daydreaming about what its like to be with me lol”

He began coming into the club when he knew it was busy, hiding so I wouldn’t see him. I did my best to get him barred from the club and gave his name and description to security. He left roses on the windshield of my car on two separate occasions when it was parked in the club parking lot. I hoped if I continued to ignore him, he’d lose interest and leave me alone. He’ll drop it for a month or so at a time, then I’ll start getting messages again. Last week I received this email from a woman whose profile picture is her with my stalker:

“This is (stalker)’s wife to be. i would like to know when did your relationship start and end with him, because i have seen one of the emails that was sent. when i asked him about you he laughed and said he would never ever have a relationship with a trashy trick like that [...] the reason i need to know when this took place is we are planning on getting married [...]  i would think ad a woman you would want to know about this before marying him”

Obviously I’m not going to respond to stalker dude, but should I warn his supposed wife-to-be that she’s about to marry a total creep? Do you think “she’s” the stalker in disguise? Help me out ladies, please!

Sincerely,
Dancer in Distress

Kat: Ah, the joys of working in public places, especially when security dudes may or may not be sympathetic to your plight. At first I was excited that you could prevent this psycho’s marriage, but then I grew suspicious. I appreciate your feeling obligated to “do the right thing” and warn this lady, woman-to-woman. However, I actually think that the right thing here is to place yourself and your safety first and foremost. I don’t think you can win either way. If you get involved and he inevitably finds out, it will reinforce his crazy ideas about having a relationship with you. If he really is masquerading as his own fiancé online, well, nothing good can come of that either. Block and ignore. And screencap. Maybe invest in one of those cute pink pepper spray key chains.

Catherine: Agreed! Let’s assume the email is from stalker-in-disguise. Any response you give will feed his ego and delusions and will reassure him that he’s got some sort of meaningful presence in your psyche. Ignoring him (unless, of course, he really gets threatening and dangerous) is the best way to get him to leave you alone. But then let’s assume that this actually is a real note from his fiancee. She’s already called you trashy, so what the hell do you owe her? If she had come to you humbly and sincerely, I might say the situation as more complicated—but her first contact with you was incredibly rude and insulting. Since you’re too “trashy” for her hubby to associate with you, I say let her find out for herself what a gem he really is.

Irony Butterfly: I’m on board with that is totally the stalker in disguise. On the off chance it is not, you probably can’t help her regardless of what names she called you – she is already engaged to this dude. What you can do is help you by putting your safety and well being before anything else. This is a person clearly experiencing a break from reality (in my lay opinion – so take it for what it is worth), but is connected enough to conduct surveillance and to try to bait you into contacting him. That is bad. Invest in pepper spray with dye or a tazer (if it is legal; if not, you may be able to purchase “dog repellant” – there are some frightening dogs out there, yo) and do what you can to alter your routine, including blocking this dude from your profile. You can do your best to file a police report; sadly they are often in a poor position to help you before something has happened to you.

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

TastyTrixie July 15, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Has she told him and his supposed girlfriend to stop contacting her? It’s good to make screen caps and take pictures and keep records of every creepy thing he’s done, but the other important part of that is having a record of having told the stalker to stop, to stay away, etc. I’ve heard that if after telling someone to stop calling, etc. if they do it three more times it’s officially stalking or something. I’m too lazy to verify that though and it probably varies from place-to-place.

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Monsieur Jongleur July 15, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Have any of you ladies read “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker? There’s several chapters worth of good stuff about dealing with stalkers. It sounds like LW has done everything right so far, but some of the advice in de Becker’s book was strikingly counter-intuitive, so I thought I’d mention it.

Great place. I’ve been lurking for weeks.

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Isobel July 15, 2011 at 5:00 pm

When I was stalked by my ex the police (in Virginia) told me that there wasn’t a damn thing they could do about it unless they had proof that I had 1) told him in no uncertain terms to stop talking to me and leave me alone and 2) never again contacted him, logging each offense of his in writing and getting verification if possible. At that point I wasn’t about to contact him again to tell him to fuck off so I just kept ignoring him for a few more weeks, when he was arrested for possession of over 2 gigs of kiddie porn…but anyway!

So IF you’re going to reply to him -or “the fiancee”- make sure you respond with “we have never had a relationship, he has been stalking me for *howeverlong* and I have already told him to stop. Consider this my final warning and if I hear from EITHER of you again I will go to the police and press charges with the [years, months, etc] of evidence that I have.” Screencap and record everything you possibly can and take it to the police.

If you’re not going to respond (which I recommend. I’d have no respect for someone who calls me “trashy”, even by proxy like “she” did) just block him everywhere that you can. Put up a google filter for his email, block him on facebook and twitter, report him as spam or inappropriate wherever you can. Just cut him off.

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Ashley July 16, 2011 at 6:20 pm

It sounds like the fiance was only quoting what the stalker said to her when she referred to the lady in question as “trashy” – she didn’t say it herself. Her email was otherwise very polite. She deserves to know what she is getting herself into, and while that shouldn’t be the questioner’s responsibility, as a fellow woman I would think she would feel an obligation to help.

Otherwise, I think Isobel’s suggestion in her second paragraph is spot on.

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