Dear Tits and Sass: Keeping The Kids

I’m a pro domme who also sometimes does full-service work. My partner of seven years and I are thinking about trying for a kid, but I’m worried about the custody issues that might come up because of what I do for work if he and I were ever to split up, or if I got arrested, or if anything else went wrong. I trust my boyfriend, and I don’t anticipate our stable relationship breaking up anytime soon, but you never know. He’s a white collar professional, while I’ve never held a straight job: I know which one of us would look better in court. What should sex workers with children know about child protective services and how best to keep their kids?

Anxious about the future,

Sarah

Caty:  To answer your question, I contacted a sex worker ally social worker. She spoke to officials in the child protective system who were willing to help us with this post on condition of anonymity: a guardian ad litem (a purportedly impartial guardian appointed by the court to represent the interests of a child for the duration of a legal action—in some states, these officials are called court appointed special advocates) and a child protective services worker. Keeping in mind that custody laws differ from state to state, and you should research how things work in your own state yourself, here are some general tips for sex worker parents on how to navigate child protective services:

Avoid getting involved with child protective services in the first place.

Be the best parent you can be. Make sure your kids get check-ups on time, attend their school meetings, and get the best daycare you can afford. You’d be doing this sort of thing anyway, but if nothing raises any red flags in the children’s behavior or welfare, there’s nothing for mandated reporters like teachers and doctors to raise concerns to your state child protective services about. Poor women and children, unfortunately, are more likely to run across mandated reporters, but if your kids don’t have any issues, there’s nothing to report.

Child protective services don’t screen specifically for a parent doing sex work. They don’t get involved with family matters simply because of a parent’s job, only if that job affects the children in a negative way. The child protective services worker compared the situation to a parent being homeless. The agency only intervenes if the homelessness impacts the child’s well being, e.g., not getting enough to eat or missing school.

“The bottom line is,” the CPS worker said, “if your job does not jeopardize your child’s well-being and safety, then there is no reason for [child protective services] to get involved.”

Have a safety plan in place in case you get busted.

The only situation in which child protective services would intervene specifically because of a parent’s sex work would be if the police arrest a parent for prostitution. Then the agency would have to make a determination, which would be based on probable cause for the child being in imminent danger. The factors the agency might consider would be whether or not the parent does sex work where the children reside or elsewhere and whether there are arrangements for the children to be looked after while the parent is away working.

If the parent is imprisoned, the agency would have to decide where the children are placed, based on whether or not there are other family members that can take care of them while the parent is in jail. Unsurprisingly, white people who interact with the system are much more likely to have the police allow them to place the children with a relative rather than having them filtered into foster care or a youth home. But regardless, being able to demonstrate that your children have a good backup situation for when you’re not there will go a long way towards preventing them from being taken into care.

One thing the guardian ad litem found is that “in–kind sex workers are less likely to be noticed.” So if you’re doing full-service work, if you’re able to switch to sugar babying or seeing regulars discreetly (especially in an implicit barter relationship instead of for cash) while you’re raising your kids rather than putting up escort ads or working for an agency, that’s the best option.

If you’re already in the system for a non-sex work related reason, and they find out about your sex work, there are still things you can do to increase your chances of keeping your child.

If you’re a grey market worker (dancer, cam worker, etc.) rather than a black market worker, your chances are better. But as long as you can demonstrate that you provide adequate child care when you’re away and you meet the needs of your child, you should be fine.

“It’s all about not exposing [their] child to the world [they] work in, crime, or violence,” the guardian ad litem stated.

Child protective services will also no doubt refer you to a rescue industry organization. If you want to leave the industry, you may as well see if this is a resource you can utilize to help you do that. If you have no plans to retire, as the guardian ad litem put it, “it’s a waste of [your] time,” but it is a standard case plan element for parents engaged in sex work.

If child protective services are already involved in your case, be as cordial as you can be to the workers, and let them actually help you.

Child protective services involvement makes for contentious, difficult interactions, and CP workers take a lot of flak from understandably upset parents. A little civility and politeness to the workers in your case can go a long way, given the hostility they deal with on a day to day basis.

Also, as the guardian ad litem put it, “They are involved because your kids were in a situation. Let them help you make the situation better.” Child protective services agencies have access to resources such as housing, phone cards, bus cards, and insurance. As long as they’re involved in your life, you may as well take advantage of these resources to help make you and your kids’ lives easier.

There’s nothing you can do to keep even past sex work from being used against you in a custody case, but there are still measures you can take to influence the case in your favor.

The sex worker ally social worker had this to say:

The personnel over there [in Family Court] see people at their worst, and they get jaded and make a lot of assumptions quickly and with no balance or repercussions. There are judges over there that don’t really believe that child sexual abuse is a real thing (because why would parents do that????), or think that domestic violence is always a lie manufactured by crazy women, etc. So, my assumption would be that yes, unfortunately, [a sex work past] would be able to be used against you. You want to make best, best friends with the [Guardian Ad Litem] (if your case is contentious enough to have a GAL assigned), because they essentially run the case. You want to take control of the narrative early. You want to state facts clearly and stay away from loaded language, even on topics that should be loaded, because Family Court is so primed to view things like anger over being abused as ‘bashing your ex.’ Family Court is really a place where they make decisions based on who they like best. It’s a terrible place and everybody should send flowers to any of their friends currently dealing with it.

Again, custody law, child protective services protocol, and Family Court procedures vary from state to state, so the tips above should only be taken as general pointers. You should follow up by doing research on how things work in your own state and consulting a lawyer.  Know your rights: for example, you are not obligated to allow child protective services into your home unless they have a warrant or a court order to show you, and it’s infinitely better for you to politely refuse them entry—even if they bluster and say it’s an emergency or that they’ll take your children away unless you let them in—and tell them you’ll call and make an appointment with them for a better time. If you let them in, you’ve waived your Fourth Amendment rights, and if for any reason the worker is intent on taking your children away, they’ll find something in your home to justify that course of action.

In some situations, the advice above doesn’t apply at all, such as the case of underage sex working parents. In states with Safe Harbor laws, a minor doing sex work will not be charged with a crime (instead diverted into court ordered treatment or institutionalization), but their children will still be placed into care. Of course, the underage parent can work on getting them back, staying in contact with child protective services, but they’d have to stop engaging in sex work. There are some programs throughout the country which allow them to live with their children while they stay there, but, again, they wouldn’t be able to keep doing sex work while living there.

Ultimately, you shouldn’t let your fear of custody issues stop you from starting a family if you want to have a child. Just keep yourself informed. know your rights, and be savvy interacting with officials if you do get stuck in the system. Good luck!