Dear Tits and Sass,
I need help breaking up with a long time client. He is a very sweet guy and if I were to describe our dates (lots of time out in public: dinners, shows, etc.) it would sound like a pretty cushy gig. The problem is that I find being physical with him deeply, deeply repulsive. Not like I’m so hot for my other clients, but it’s a real challenge with this guy. I regularly find myself closing my eyes and trying to breathe without letting *any* expression cross my face—forget about me faking pleasure, I’m merely hoping to not betray my urge to run. Let me stress that he is not abusive or demanding, and he doesn’t hurt me.
I feel like he’s usually aware that I’m hating every second we’re naked together, but he’s so taken with me he lets it slide. The last time we did an overnight together, I dreamed about screaming at him that he was horrible and I never wanted to see him again. He’s not horrible, but I can’t talk my body out of feeling completely miserable during sex with him. We’ve known each other for over a year now, seen each other for long dates at least 15 times, and I have no idea how to break it off. I can’t pretend I’m retiring, and I don’t want to take down the overnight option from my website. (Seeing him for a short period of time won’t really help anyway; I’ve tried, and it still sucks.) But I’ve got to do something because in the days in advance of seeing him, I start feeling really sad and panicked. I don’t think it’s healthy for me to see him anymore, no matter how much money is at stake. Please help!
Sincerely,
SMS (Save My Sanity)
Beatrice Darling: It’s time to DTMFA. By the time we’ve turned more than a year’s worth of tricks, we’ve all encountered a client we just can’t stand. Sometimes, it’s because of some egregious fault, but often it’s just a complete lack of chemistry that cannot be overcome by a harlot’s charm and a nice fat envelope. It sounds like in your case, it’s extra-stressful because he’s hyper-aware of your revulsion, which naturally leads you to focus on it even harder, and makes you want to work doubly hard to overcompensate for it. Ugh.
You seem aware enough that being an escort does not mean that you HAVE to see anyone you don’t like, but it’s hard even in the real world to break up with someone with no clear reason to cite. If you could handle him for shorter intervals, I would suggest telling him that you have found yourself with less time on your hands for extended dates, but that you will let him know if that changes. You can still leave the overnight rates posted, telling him that you don’t want to make sweeping site changes for a temporary lack of availability. It sounds like you’ve tried that, though, and that you need a more permanent solution.
I don’t recommend absolute honesty. A fantasy relationship deserves a fantasy ending, and it’s not too hard to give him one. One true thing about transactional relationships is that they often reach a natural conclusion. There is only so much intimacy to be purchased before things reach a stagnant swamp of faux-lovin. Even if that’s not precisely what has happened here, it’s a soft letdown. If he might sincerely be a cush client for another girl, feel free to recommend him to a friend:
“I feel that over the months, we’ve come to a bit of a cul-de-sac, and I think it’s time to take a step back. It has been an honor to get to know you, to play, to explore, but the beauty of a relationship like ours is its ephemeral nature. We burn hot and bright, and in the end are able to remember one another fondly. I’m happy to recommend a companion or two for you to look into should you wish to find a new lover.”
Once you’ve broken it off, you’re not obliged to continue contact at all. He doesn’t have to agree with your reasons. He doesn’t even have to understand. Of course, you could skip the breakup email altogether and just stop replying to him, but the classy thing to do is compose a brief yet thoughtful email, telling him that you’ve enjoyed your time together (even if you haven’t), but that you feel that it’s time for you both to move on (which you clearly do). You may find that he agrees with you, or he may be resistant. Either way, stand your ground. Good luck!
Annora Quinn: I was recently in a similar situation with a client. He would always see me for overnights, buy me expensive gifts, and was an okay guy, but my repulsion for him was so strong that I would spend the booking counting the minutes until I could leave. It made me hate him, myself, and sex work in general. I would promise myself never to see him again, but inevitably would, and it never got any better.
Sending an email is best. In person means you’re on the clock and on the phone could end in an argument or you agreeing to see him again. Be direct, say that you are unable to see him again in no uncertain terms, but be nice. I wouldn’t detail the real reasons, but saying that you prefer to only meet clients you have chemistry with is a good, vague, way to avoid detailing the ways in which he repulses you.
It isn’t easy to hear that even a woman you pay to spend time with doesn’t want to see you, and if he’s developing real feelings for you there’s no way to know how he will react. If he already suspects you aren’t enjoying yourself when you are together he might preserve his ego and not press the issue, but be prepared for an emotional response. Any further communication should be kept to a minimum so there is no room for misinterpretation on his part.
Johanna: Self-care is an important skill for any sex worker, so I think you should congratulate yourself for proactively identifying a situation that isn’t working for you. Well done! Escorts are pretty vulnerable to burn-out, so maintaining our boundaries is key. At the point where someone’s paying you for an overnighter and you’re spending days feeling miserable, the labour-to-payoff ratio has definitely tipped in the wrong direction.
I used to have a regular who I saw once or twice a week for nearly a year. He was a bit weird, but not horrible, and it was dependable money. Unfortunately, I spent every moment with him suppressing the desire to bludgeon him to death with a dildo. I was so determined to prove to myself that I was this totally unshakable super-hooker that I slogged on for months, until I eventually got so demoralized that I had to go on ho-liday for eight weeks. So, avoid my mistakes, and lose this guy now.
You’ll want to be polite and professional about it, but you don’t have to sacrifice assertiveness. If you never want to see him again, you should make that clear, because otherwise he’s just going to keep pushing. You’re a woman, and you’re an escort, so that means you’re doubly skilled at helping men do as little of their own emotional labour as possible. As a result, you may feel an obligation to protect his feelings, but you don’t want to imply that there’s any room for negotiation here.
Do it via email, and keep it short and sweet – you’re trying to end your involvement with this man, not embark on a series of conversations about his feelings:
“I’m writing to say that I’m not going to be able to see you anymore. I’ve enjoyed our time together, and you’ve been a wonderful client, but for me our relationship has run its course. Thank you for your generosity and good company over the past year. I’ll look back on our adventures very fondly.”
He probably isn’t going to be happy about this, but that’s okay. If he questions your decision, write back once repeating that you won’t be seeing him again, and then stop responding. Eventually, he’ll no doubt find some other escort who can tolerate (or hey, maybe even enjoy) his affections. In the meantime, be firm and stick to your guns.
If you are a current sex worker facing a work-related challenge, you can email info [at] titsandsass.com and we’ll do our best to help or call in a guest who can. (Please no “how do I get started” questions. This is for those who are already in the biz.)
I lol’d at “You’re a woman, and you’re an escort, so that means you’re doubly skilled at helping men do as little of their own emotional labour as possible.” But, you know, in a rueful way.
I’m a pro-switch, not an escort, so the kind of intimacy I provide is very different and the ‘our kinks just don’t align!’ excuse is a reliable go-to. I can’t help but wonder if you might be able to adapt that sort of line for yourself, especially if you market yourself in an equivalent to the I-REALLY-love-what-I-do way that most BDSM providers do. Say something along the lines of “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you and exploring with you, but as someone who values genuine connection in all my relationships, I have to say I just don’t feel like we have the right chemistry. I think you’d find you have a much more enjoyable time with my friend X.” Making it into an ‘us’ issue is more believable than making it into a ‘me’ issue and a lot more palatable than a ‘you’ issue.
I like that, that’s a really smart angle. I much prefer dealing with my domme-work clients around this sort of stuff, because it is way easier to frame it in terms of ‘professional compatibility” I think. I feel like my clients who see me in a domination context rather than a GFE one tend to be far less offended by and much more receptive to our time together being framed as professional sessions run by a skilled practitioner. In fact, they often seem to value that, whereas the full-service GFE clients want the fantasy without calling it a fantasy (or labour, for that matter). It’s a lot easier when you can just say “we’re not a great fit, sorry!” or “I just don’t specialize in sploshing” and then have everyone act like adults.
But I guess you’re talking about a slightly different spin, actually, because you’re talking about really milking the classic escort ‘I am my work, and my work isn’t work’ line, huh? I can see that being very effective in situations like the one facing SMS.
Do you think a lot of pro-switches in your circles push the “I’m a lifestyler as well as a pro” angle? It’s one I’ve always veered away from in my own pro-domme self-promotion, for some reason. I usually go for more of a “passionate, committed and experienced professional who loves her work” line. That’s still a spin, but I feel like it centres my worker status rather than using my personal interests or sexual identity as a selling point. I think that’s just where my boundary is in terms of compartmentalizing work/personal stuff, but I’m really interested in how other kink workers negotiate that line.
Yeah, I’m not sure how applicable that advice would be to an escort, but I figured it was worth throwing out there. For what it’s worth, I’ve successfully used the ‘we just don’t have the right *chemistry*’ excuse in my personal life as well, so it might be possible for the letter-writer to deploy it without ruining the fantasy that their relationship isn’t a professional one.
I don’t know a single pro Domme, pro sub, or pro switch who doesn’t say she’s into it in her personal life as well. Not all of us market ourselves explicitly as ‘lifestylers’, but if asked, that’s what we’ll tell clients. To be fair, I think most of us actually are lifestyle, especially those of us who are independent and have to make a significant financial investment in equipment + wardrobe. But most of us do lie about the extent of our kinks or the nature of them. There are SO. MANY. kinks + fetishes out there that clients want us to cater to, and they somehow expect us to be personally into all of them. As a way of getting around this, I actually use the line, “My pleasure in Domming doesn’t come from doing what I want and seizing control; it comes from getting inside your head and making you lose control of yourself.” Which… well, it’s not *entirely* a lie, I guess, just mostly a lie. See, like a good number of folks who pro-Domme, I’m actually almost entirely submissive in my personal life…. but when I do enjoy domming, that is the reason.
johanna,
you should write about that topic!
as for sms, another tactic might be to just outright withhold your reasoning.
“I’ve realized it’s time for us to part ways. I’m not able to share my reasons with you right now but trust that I have enjoyed our time together and wish you well.”
dude can fill in the blank with whatever story he wants to come up with. if he’s the type to move on quickly and with some social grace, he wont overthink it. if he’s the ego-massager, he’ll assume you are so mad for him you were torn between your profession and love and had to just take space. if he’s the overprocessing, masochistic type he’ll think you hate him and he can get his melodrama kicks out of it. either way, let him work it out on his own.
Oo, that’s a good idea. Though I know if I tried that with some of my clients, they would be like: “I think you owe me an explanation as to why.” Not that it changes the validity of your suggested email, or the validity of ignoring them saying something crappy like that, and not corresponding any further….
My first thought if someone told me that would be, “Oh my god, she was outed, and now I might be in danger of being outed too!” But maybe that’s my own particular paranoia and not something a client would think.
Dying of laughter here!