Being Nice to the Professionally Naughty: Holiday Gifts for Sex Workers

Having trouble stuffing the sexiest stockings on your Christmas list? We’re here to help by sharing with you items both useful and fanciful on our collective wishlists.

Vagina Dentata Glow-in-the-Dark Underwear: I’d be so thrilled to see someone wear these at the club. How many customers would even notice? These would be perfect to wear while dancing to Lady Gaga’s “Teeth.” —Bubbles

James Deen: for a few hours, no cameras allowed. — Charlotte

Spa Services: Even if your favorite sex worker is not a girly girl who keeps regular professional hair/nail appointments, there isn’t anyone among us who wouldn’t like a good massage. Gift certificates to a quality spa are a no-lose gift idea.—Bubbles

Really Good Dry Shampoo: My best friend got me some years ago (we worked at the same incall) and it changed my life. It’s great for use between appointments because it keeps your hair smelling fresh and not like a guy’s cologne/deodorant/whatever. Bonus: it doesn’t have the cloying heaviness of most perfume. My favorites are Clean and Klorane. — Lolo

More Comfortable High Heels: Your favorite stripper will enjoy anything that eases the pain of high heels, so consider getting her a pair of orthotic inserts that will fit into her Pleasers. This custom option would be a lovely gesture. If you’re shopping for an escort, she might enjoy a pair of these Cole Haan heels with Nike Air insoles.—Bubbles

Subscription to an Online Exercise Program: Because most of us keep wacky hours and many of us travel, it can be tough to get to in-person classes on a regular basis. Online classes are a nice solution. And you can find anything on the internet: pilates, yoga, the Black Swan workout — even hardcore, smelly-gym style classes. If you wanted to get really fancy you could add hand weights, a travel mat, resistance bands, or similar equipment to go along with it. — Charlotte

The Altec Lansing Orbit Speaker: Great for bachelor parties or outcalls, this speaker uses AAA batteries so it lessens the drain on your phone or iPod. It’s supremely portable and surprisingly powerful.—Bubbles

A Money Chakra Candle: Results are obviously not guaranteed, but I appreciate the combo of New Age spirituality and greed. I’ve given these before to my stripper friends as gifts and it always made them smile. —Catherine

LED Belt Buckle: Oooh, this would be so much fun on stage. Think about the messages you could send with your own customizable LED sign on your ass! —Bubbles

A Disguised Self Defense Device: One of my  best hooker friends gave me this hairbrush/shiv a couple years ago and I think it’s an awesome gift. Not only is it an undercover weapon, but it’s actually a really good hairbrush, too. I thought this lipstick/pepper spray would be another great gift, though it’s not real lipstick, unfortunately. —Lolo

$100 Bill Foam Stress Toy: I would squeeze the shit out of this thing. I think pretending to pay with this would be adorable (if you pay with real money after). —Kat

Grannick’s Bitter Apple Spray: This is the gift that says that a) you promise not to slobber on your favorite stripper anytime she blinks and b) you want to help her train her other customers not to kiss by spraying it all over her body and surprising them. Plus a lot of strippers have dogs, so there’s that. —Kat

Custom Rock Font Name Plate Ring: It’s a known fact that strippers love anything personalized with their stage names. I’m digging all the laser cut acrylic options on Etsy. Plus brass knuckles are all the rage, in case you haven’t noticed every stripper everywhere getting a tattoo of them (with hearts!) this year. If you don’t think that’s her style, consider the more subtle “I Have Standards” three finger ring. —Kat

A Sexy One-Hour Music Mix: This could be a little tough, since everyone has a different idea of what’s sexy. But for a sex worker whose taste you know well, a one-hour (or two-hour, or half-hour, depending on her average in-call time) is a great tool for work. After listening to the playlist a couple times, you can use it to keep track of how far you are into a session, without having to awkwardly check the clock. —Lolo

Ankle Cell Phone Strap: If your favorite stripper is still using a flip phone, then she is also probably the kind of person who would like this, and if you are the kind of person who likes someone who is still using a flip phone, then get her this. —Kat

An Origami Money Rose: Now this is something where you absolutely cannot go wrong. —via Ava Adore

Angel: No, not the Victoria’s Secret perfume. This is the fiction debut of the Patron Saint of Whooties, Coco. —Kat