On Hustling

It’s no secret that politicians are whores—they lie to make you feel good and appreciated, but are always out to make as much money off as many people as possible. So it turns out President Obama is visiting my hometown tonight and getting a bunch of wealthy businessmen to pay for the privilege of having dinner with him. Sound familiar? And don’t fancy escorts call themselves “dining companions” these days anyway? Obama’s not giving it up cheap though, with tickets ranging from $25 to $35,800.

We could learn something from these guys.

A regular customer of mine came into the club last week, a guy who travels into California regularly for business. He had apparently sat on the plane in first-class next to a notorious female politician from the Tea Party on this trip. They had a “nice conversation,” he said, and that Ms.Congresswoman was interested in meeting with him next time he was in Washington (sure she was, kind of like how I was maybe interested in meeting outside the club some time, just not this time, because tonight I already have plans and I also did coincidentally the last six times he asked me).

“Well, how do you know she would really want to talk with you again?” I asked. “I’m sure she’s really busy. I’m sure lots of people are trying to get her to talk to them.”

He smiled back at me with that sweet condescending look that Richard Gere loved to give Julia Roberts, the one that club customers and tricks alike have been perfecting over the decades to say, “You’re sweet and kind of stupid.”

“I could tell,” he explained, “because when we first sat down, I recognized her and we began talking. But right away, she said, ‘I’m a politician. I talk about myself all day. Tell me about you.”

I’m totally stealing that line, which I’m sure she uses a dozen times a day and probably stole from a stripper originally.

Vindicated and encouraged, Mr. Customer went on to explain how he planned to contribute ungodly amounts of money to her homophobic, racist, “pro-American”, anti-choice campaign. Ms. Congresswoman liked this, and seemed even more genuinely interested in spending time with him on the East Coast some day (not today, of course—she’s a busy lady). He also went on to share their talking points on American nationalism, honor, responsibility, and honesty, and oh, by the way—”please don’t text me this week, because my wife will have my cell phone.”

Like strippers, politicians offer the promise of something that you probably won’t ever really get, but the more money you spend the more invested they become in fueling the fantasy. Make them believe you really care.