Historically, I haven’t been a big fan of Christmas, which is why I’ve been parading around at work as a sexy Ms. Claus since Thanksgiving ended. I’ve come to realize that the key to getting through the holidays is to really embrace them and have fun with it: make them your bitch. If you don’t own any holiday lingerie, I suggest you change that because red velvet with white fuzzy trim is flattering on every type of attitude. Want to express your newfound cheer on stage but can’t think of any vaguely strip club appropriate holiday music? We got you. Not to mention these lyrics are less offensive than “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” (If dancing to hip hop isn’t really your thing, then check out last year’s edition.)
Too $hort, “The Hanukkah Song” It’s only two minutes long, so it’s a great song to strip to if you really have to pee and didn’t have time before your stage set because a female customer puked all over the bathroom. Plus now you don’t have to dance to Adam Sandler, which is something you shouldn’t have been doing anyway, however hysterical “At A Medium Pace” may be to you. This just came out, so dance to it first and yell at everyone else for stealing your song.
Eazy E, “Merry Muthaphuckkin’ Xmas” This one’s a muthaphuckkin’ classic.
Smoke DZA, “Smokey Klause” I was introduced to this song by DJ Dick Hennessy. I pretty much freaked out because I love The Nutcracker.
Andre Nickatina, “All Star Chuck Taylors” This isn’t technically a Christmas song, but everyone at your rack will be too mesmerized as they watch you unbuckle your big pleather belt to notice. Plus Andre Nickatina is a good tipper so baby Jesus would approve.
Master P, “Hi Fo Xmas” I think we can all relate to smoking too much marijuana on Christmas and feeling scared.
E-40, “Sideways” This is a Christmas song to me because it mentions Santa.
Paul Wall, “Girl” This is not a Christmas song, but it’s not not a Christmas song, ya know? It has bells a-jingling and it sounds like “Last Christmas” if you squint your ears hard enough.
Outkast, “Player’s Ball” This actually is a song about Christmas.
Ying Yang Twins, “Deck Da Club” “Deck the club with boughs of money/she make you think that she your honey.”