Are you working today and feeling like the woman at the center of this Reductress article? Flag-themed negligee has been a stripper staple since the country’s first peeler swung a tassel at an eager soldier. Historians largely agree that Betsy Ross said upon completing the first flag, “Ah, yes. This will make a delightful scrunchy butt bikini.”
A stripper’s body could be the most patriotic or the most atrocious way to display the flag. Do you blindly love this country (please read a book, by the way)? Then behold the red, white, and blue’s majesty as it blankets your ample bosom! Are you little less enthusiastic for a place that’s propped up by white supremacy and hell-bent on legislating sex workers into the gutter? Well, today’s the day to shove that Lycra flag straight into your ass crack!
I’m a sucker for stripper clichés, so I asked workers to submit July 4th selfies. Unsurprisingly, our submissions tended towards the white and blonde—which could be the topic of an entirely separate post that I’ll save for another day.
“Warning, colors don’t run, but may fade, turn black and white, or almost all blue, but may be renewed, like the caps on an ancient version of evil elves, aka the Red Caps, via the blood of sacrificed victims.”