Tits and Sass strongly believes in a policy of harm reduction and education. We want nothing more than for our readers to be happy and safe from harm. Thusly, we are pleased to introduce a new advice columnist: Ms. Harm Reduction. She’s here to answer your questions about, well, just about anything in an anonymous and shame-free way. Do you have a question about drug use, sex, your personal life, work—or anything else? Do you have a query for Ms. Harm Reduction? Send them to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dear Ms. Harm Reduction,
I’m a stripper who enjoys her work and likes to party. I’ve noticed many of my workmates have been indulging in the latest MDMA party drug, Molly. How do I safely use Molly while I work?
Desperately Desiring Molly
Ms. Harm Reduction has to wonder why you would choose to do your hard-earned MDMA among the ruffians we call our customers. Wouldn’t you rather enjoy your drugs in the company of your bosom companions, in the privacy of some psychedelic boudoir somewhere? However, if you’ve set your ecdysiast heart on E at the club, we do have some pointers for you.
- Invest in an MDMA testing kit and keep it in your locker. Not to reveal Ms. Manners’ advanced age, but back in her day, Dancesafe kits were one of the only options. Now there are many. We recommend EZ Test. Now you can test your pills and/or duck into the dressing room if you must take complementary drugs from customers, coworkers, or club staff.
- Drink more water than you usually do, but don’t overdo it. Too much water can be just as bothersome as too little water when taking a stimulant.
- Keep your quirky drug tics in check! They’re not as charming to those who surround you as you may think. For example, if you know that you become a texture-obsessed stroke freak as soon as you imbibe any Molly, be wary of that sort of behavior and make sure you call a halt to it before you realize you’ve been petting your customer’s shirt for the past ten minutes.
- Make sure someone—another dancer, a friend, a significant other—knows you’re indulging, and have a ride home set up with this sober companion. Your driving expertise while intoxicated may be unparalleled, but trust Ms. Harm Reduction, you don’t want to be all by your lonesome while crashing. Also, be sure to check in with this designated drug chaperone when making a decision you may not be likely to make when your faculties are intact: “I think I might go back to this customer’s isolated house in the woods for him to murder me at his leisure. Good idea, yes or no?” (A good chaperone will say no, by the way.)
- Finally, and most importantly, stay away from mixing other substances, especially alcohol, with your Molly. Have a care—alcohol and a stimulant drug like E together will produce a speedball effect, with your body becoming all befuddled and not knowing whether to speed up or slow down its metabolism, and this can be disastrous.
Ms. Harm Reduction would like to emphasize that she is in no way endorsing the use of Molly or any other illicit drugs. A policy of sobriety is the surest way to keep one’s faculties intact. But Ms. Harm Reduction is also very pragmatic and is keenly aware that the kids these days like to have fun. You can only have fun when you’re out of harm’s way.
Dear Ms. Harm Reduction,
I hate to admit this, but sometimes I drink too much at work and then drive home. I know that’s not safe, but I have a really hard time working sober. Are there any safer options for me?
Stripper Will Imbibe Grossly
Ms. Harm Reduction can only chuckle and sigh as she reflects upon the wanton days of her youth. The boys! The dancing! And, oh my, the drinking.
Ms. Harm Reduction knows that sometimes “I’ll just have one cocktail” turns into “Oops, I drank seven cocktails.” She understands that sometimes a dear customer can be a just a wee bit pushy in his insistence that his favorite dancer share a bottle of champagne with him. Ms. Harm Reduction has even heard that some strip clubs require dancers to meet a drink quota—a minimum number of drinks sold—as part of their job description. Ms. Harm Reduction secretly believes in her heart of hearts that sometimes temperance can be overrated.
So, you enjoy drinking and stripping. Good for you! Here are some tips.
- Invest in a portable breathalyzer. Ms. Harm Reduction is a disappointed to learn that many strip clubs do not offer a breathalyzer for their staff members to use. They should—not only for the benefit of staff members, but also the patrons!
- Can a trusted workmate give you a lift or offer you a place to sleep? Do not sleep at a bouncer’s house. Do not sleep at a manager’s house. And under no circumstances should you consider sleeping at a club patron’s house.
- Can you afford a hotel room? You could split the cost with a fellow inebriated work mate. Remember, one night in a hotel room will always be less costly than a D.U.I. And you can take a post-work bubble bath!
- Can you afford a cab ride? A cab ride will also strain your purse less than a D.U.I.
If those options simply aren’t on the table, Ms. Harm Reduction reluctantly suggests sleeping in your automobile. She absolutely shudders at this suggestion as it is most assuredly risky (and also illegal in most states), but she also believes that anything is safer than driving soused. But how?
Analyze your setting. Are you in an urban setting or a rural one? Is the neighborhood safe? The best place to go car-camping would be in a well-lit parking garage with a lot of foot traffic. Park in a mostly empty level. The next best choice would be in an empty corner of the well-lit parking lot of a big box store. The least ideal choice would be to park on the street of a relatively safe neighborhood.
- Hide your work gear in the trunk. Hide your money, too. You don’t want any n’er-do-wells happening upon it.
- Have an implement that can be used as a weapon, just in case. Do you have pepper spray? A knife? A gun? A large rock? Ms. Harm Reduction wants you to be protected at all costs.
- Make sure your car key is not in the ignition or on your lovely person. Hide it under the seat.
- Do you have a mobile phone? Set the timer on the phone for approximately five hours, so you can get a reasonable amount of beauty sleep.
- Crawl into the passenger or back seat and try to relax and put away your cares. Ms. Harm Reduction recommends sheep counting, but counting almost any sort of farm animal will do.
After five hours, take a walk outside for fresh air. How do you feel? If you still feel all at sea, set the timer for another two hours. Back to sleep. Repeat until you feel comfortable driving.
Ms. Harm Reduction wants you to know that she does not advocate drinking while working but understands that sometimes our judgement can err. Imbibe wisely.
Ms. Harm Reduction