The Sixth Annual Vagina Beauty Pageant: A Judge’s Notes

NSFW PHOTOS AFTER THE JUMP

It began with a long drive out to Hillsboro, Oregon, also known as BFO, or Butt Fuck Oregon. The spacious parking lot of the Runway Club was already almost full, and I motored past the flashing lights of the #VaginaMobile, to squeeze my tiny car next to a trailer. The sun was setting, and the excited energy was palpable.

It was 9 PM on a recent Thursday, and the stage was set for the world infamous Vagina Beauty Pageant. Runway is a newer club, about a year old, and I was pleased to see that their shift dancers varied in body shape from XXXtina Aguilera-thin to Taystee OITNB thick. Generally, Portland city dancers tend to be slender, white, and tattooed.

Much like all clubs though, the crowd was an even mix of single guys tipping, creepy guys leering, throw in a couple of jealous girlfriends sneering, and plenty of dancers hustling and heel-clacking.

The pageant’s creator, Dick Hennessy, took the stage and announced the rules. As usual, there would be no photography or touching allowed by the audience. Event photographer Hypnox handed a video camera to fellow judge Reed McClintock, at my left, and Vice contributor Susan Shepard readied her cell camera, as did I.

In contrast to last year’s scoring, contestants would be judged in two different ways. Performance scorecards would be held up after each competitor’s performance, visible to all. Privately, we passed index cards marking our score of the performers’ aesthetics. Hennessey devised this method specifically to avoid hurt feelings.

Spyce Club dancer Envy opened the competition. The slender, muscular dancer exhibited wonderful pole skills and awareness. Her naturally worn hair was tied up with a simple band, and she wore minimal makeup. I admired her skill, but knew that her lack of a distinctive theme wouldn’t allow her a top score. Her dancing was enviable, and the simplicity of her set was a gentle opener for the shenanigans that would follow.

Cherokee, up next, livened things up when she pulled a judge from his seat, shouting “Turn around!” For the first time in my short stripper life, I watched her pretend to ride him in 69 fashion, which elicited howls and squeals from audience and judges alike.

Next up was Natasha, who selected the delightfully retro “Honkey Tonk in Mexico” song as her theme. This smiling, bronzed goddess politely asked, “Can I pull your boobs out?” when she knelt over me. I declined, she nodded, and motorboated me instead. Bonus: her red lipstick stayed in place perfectly! I liked her. When she stage-humped the Abraham Lincoln impersonator (yes, that’s a real Portland persona), I felt that I had never seen anything more delightfully odd. And it wasn’t even midnight.

Jinx was pale with immaculately unblemished skin. She was the first contestant to utilize vaginal insertion. Judge Jedidiah Aaker of Portlandia offered her a ping-pong ball, and like a champ, she attempted to pop it in and out of her pussy. Katniss took the stage with a strong, dramatic presence, and kept a stone cold fox face for seven minutes, whether she was ascending or descending the pole, and even when she retrieved her light up dildo, and indicated for a judge to put it inside her. The judge was hesitant, but she bent and confidently forced his hand. The barefoot dancer managed a litany of pole tricks while wearing a chrome and jewel butt plug. After her songs ended, she pulled apart the dildo to reveal that its handle was actually a TASER. Zap zap. Truly a brave woman.

Next up was Angel, a tan, blonde young woman who smelled like pure sugar, and wore a tie and a button down, a la Fifty Shades. I wondered if she was familiar with the film’s support of rape culture. No matter, ever the objective judge, we scored her fairly.

Noelle from Coos Bay, Oregon was a statuesque, fire-haired curly girlie, who laughed and declined an offer of a ping-pong ball. I didn’t blame her. She was truly a master of the isolated butt cheek shake.

The next performer, Kaye from Pure Lace Club, was painted curiously, like a comic book character. I know zero about comics so I might have missed a reference. I think the audience was both confused and titillated when another dancer approached the stage and they briefly took turns licking each other’s nether regions. Their body paint sure was pretty!

Savannah was up after that, and she scared the shit out of some of us when she spun from the ceiling and dropped into a perfect set of nude splits. She was vajazzled and dazzling.

Leah, from Casa Diablo, also wore an elaborate vajazzle, and was bendy and fluid in motion. Random Guy in Crowd shouted,“CONSUME US WITH YOUR CONTORTIONS, YEAHHHHHH!” She pulled out her applique, and stuck in onto Abe Lincoln’s face. He left it there for the entirety of her set.

Kat from Presley’s Playhouse club wore glasses and sneakers and knee socks, and utilized glow sticks in a manner that one is free to imagine. Ginger of Casa Diablo was absolutely smooth, lithe, and cool, even when she sat on my perfectly curled coif and proceeded to rub her anus and labia upon my scalp. I was wrecked, and the audience was delighted. “DEATH BY VAGINA!” shouted the Loud Guy in Crowd. I made a mental note to wash my hair later. She was perhaps my favorite dancer to watch, because of her strong, confident exterior. The room was so loud that at that point there was no hearing the DJ announce the names of the next three performers. One dancer was cheerily winking her butthole at the judges, when a crowd member insisted upon screaming “Blow on it!” A non-stripper judge did so, and I cringed inwardly. The performer kept her smile intact, if she was perturbed at all, I know not.

Next up was Synodic, grinning in her undies, Wonder Woman socks, jazz shoes, and “Lick Me” glittery decals upon her stomach. She sucked and fucked popsicles, back-bending all over the stage.

That was a sweet prelude to what happened next. All the way from Jumbo’s Clown Room in California, Ram-page the Clown Gurl came on stage. She was a seasoned performer, and had the burn scars to prove it. The crowd reached a fever pitch when she inflated balloons with a pump apparatus on her pussy. Her orgy of clown assistants threw glitter on the revelers, and she brought the scene to a climax with a fiery torch inserted into her vagina. I won’t lie; I was tense for the entirety of this scene.

On the softer side, a cute, curly haired blond dancer, Molly Mae from Club 205, trotted onstage to Elvis’ “Jailhouse Rock” in an orange jumpsuit costume. Loud Guy in Crowd screamed, “STOP BEING SO HOT!” The dancer put a set of costume cuffs on my wrists. Then she pulled a condom out of her vagina, and unrolled it to reveal a small baggy of white glitter, which she “snorted”, in front of the judges. This was shaping up to be better than an improv session.

Coco was the cutest little EDM mermaid, with an entrance song that sounded like a mix of Mario Kart and “Under the Sea.” The music was not to my liking, but Coco has one of the most gorgeous faces that I’ve ever seen. Then Trouble from Acropolis bounded on the stage. She brought balloons, champagne, and noisemakers, and wore glasses and a red braided faux hawk. As Snoop Dog played, she revealed a small, silver microphone: “Ever seen a vagina rap?” Before any of us could answer, she spread her legs and began kegelling in time to the lyrics.

Mary-Jane, or Mary-Gina, as she was announced, came on stage dressed as a giant joint. Really. Sublime was playing, and a human pot leaf came on to help her out. The two unceremoniously removed their costumes, and engaged in pole tricks and a minor amount of pussy licking. It was also not lost on the judges that the performers were polite enough to lay down a tarp, before dripping soy candle wax upon Mary-Jane’s ‘gina.

Next up was Ryder from Devil’s Point. The dancer wore a pink sparkly butt plug, a ruffled pink skirt, and a tiny t-shirt. Sucking on a rainbow lollipop, she handed out suckers and candies before doing a butt-shaking handstand, and inserting a glitter stick into herself. Eva from Stars was another dancer who knew how to present an aesthetic. She also put down some plastic, then dripped a shiny, metallic liquid upon her body to Chet Faker’s “Gold.”

Last up was beautiful Alexis Monroe from King’s Wild. The gorgeous, Marilyn-esque dancer had no noticeable tattoos and was all smiles while she disrobed. Her venue-required wristband displayed that she was under 21, and I marveled at the level of self-awareness that a young woman could possess.

It was late, nearing 2:30 a.m. One of the judges nearby struggled to keep her eyes open, and I was wondering how my alcoholic ass had managed to stay sober for an entire event.

The winners were announced!

Third Place: Ryder Burton
Second Place: Mary-Jane/Mary-Gina
First Place: Synodic

The ladies took the stage, posed and smiled, covered in glitter and sweat.