Surviving Long Appointments

We all say we want them, but do we really? Longer appointments—all day, overnights, weekends or more—can be great money, but they can also be really taxing on your soul. No matter how much you like your work, staying in character and putting your client’s needs before your own for a long period of time can make anyone go a little crazy.

Whether you’re a stripper who’s committed to a couple hours in the champagne room, a dominatrix with a super-devoted slave, or anyone else who’s found themselves committed to more than they thought they bargained for, here are some ideas for making it through with your sanity intact.

If you have some other tricks of the trade to share, please leave them in the comments section.

Have some girly need to attend to (alone): If you’re spending a long time with someone, it shouldn’t be too hard to negotiate a casual break here and there. But if your guy seems offended by the thought of you leaving his side to regain your sanity, I’ve found that men are oddly receptive if they believe you have some sort of feminine beauty or hygiene ritual to perform. Getting a manicure, for example, going the gym, slipping off to the bathroom to fix your hair, or running out to (pretend to) buy some new lipstick. That little bit of time alone can make a big difference.

Turn the conversation toward his favorite topic: Clients love talking about themselves. When I’ve been dealing with someone just a little too long and my patience is wearing just a little too thin, I find that asking a guy lots of open-ended questions about himself earns me some time to zone out and disengage without him catching on.

Figure out what passive activities he likes and start liking them too: Movies, reading, watching golf tournaments, whatever. Sitting side by side and doing something that doesn’t require direct interaction gives your brain a little break. Plus, if you can convince him that, no, you really like NASCAR/Glenn Beck/The History Channel/M*A*S*H reruns just as much as he does, it will underscore your utter perfection as his dream girl (and beneficiary).

Blindfold him (or more): I recently discovered that having a break from my trick’s loving gaze actually gives me some time to reconnect to myself, in a way that couldn’t be more discreet. I never would have guessed that just a few minutes without the pressure to make eye contact can feel like a mini-break, but it really does. If he’s submissive, you can of course go even further and use a ball gag—it’s surprisingly easy to stay unannoyed with someone who can neither speak nor look at you. If that’s too much for his taste, even most vanilla dudes will consent to an occasional blindfold if you tell him how hot it gets you.

Make up an elaborate story about your life: One thing that can be very hard about spending too much time with one person is the fact that most of us still need to maintain our privacy. This can make extended conversations difficult—how can you keep someone entertained and engaged for a long period of time without divulging any identifying details of your life? Make it up! They’re paying you for entertainment, not truth, and you might as well entertain yourself in the meantime. My most recent yarn was about a family scandal in the late ’70s that produced two half siblings; the one before that involved a position teaching 19^th century poetry at a Parisian university. Much like shoplifting, there’s a thrill in seeing how much you can get away with without getting caught. (Tits and Sass doesn’t endorse shoplifting, by the way. I swear.)

Put on some good music: W.H. Auden said, “Music is the best means we have of digesting time,” and Suzy Hooker says he’s certainly on to something. A long and grueling session becomes much more tolerable with the right soundtrack. I learned this when doing an eight-hour, inordinately monotonous session with a cokehead. Some time around hour five, I scrolled through the hotel’s selection of On Demand albums and put on Pet Sounds, my all-time favorite record, ever since childhood. Not the sexiest choice, perhaps, but nothing makes me forget that I’ve spent the last five hours breathing in stale hotel air and sucking the flaccid, coked-up dick of a 65-year-old car salesman like hearing “God Only Knows.” (Other tracks, like “Sloop John B,” were surprisingly fit for the occasion.) Brian Wilson came through for me that day, and comforted me in a way no one else ever could. (Tits and Sass doesn’t endorse cocaine use, by the way. Seriously.)

Give (or get) a massage: Similar to the blindfold technique, this allows you to indulge in his physical pleasure while allowing yourself a little mental and emotional recess. Lots of guys seem to love giving their providers massages, too. Men love believing they can please us physically, and it’s much less obtrusive than receiving oral sex for hours on end. Better yet, if you can convince him that a professional couples massage would just be about the hottest, most romantic thing ever, you might earn yourself an hour of total repose, and a good massage.

Suggest you go shopping: Tread delicately here; you don’t want to seem greedy and totally turn him off. But I’ve found my spirits magically lift when I can convince a client to spend a little extra money on me. Even if it’s nothing big, getting gifts can feel like a quick sugar rush that can hold you over just a little bit longer until ennui d’escort sets in again.

Call for backup: This is a potentially risky move whose success really depends on the sort of relationship you have with your client. If it’s fairly strong and you’re not threatened by him wandering off, scheduling a short threesome appointment with a working girlfriend of yours can be a good way to break up a multiple-day engagement. Your guy will get some extra TLC, your friend gets hooked up with some cash, you get some of the attention deflected off you for a bit, and you’ll likely be off the hook for fucking him solo the rest of the day. And look at you, so open-minded and kinky—he’ll appreciate that. Everyone wins!

This is a good tactic for multiple-hour champagne rooms, particularly if you have a co-worker who you know would return the favor.

Meditate, or read a few pages of I Am That: I’ve never been a particularly spiritual person, but this collection of teachings by Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj has kept me from completely losing my shit on a couple occasions. When I’m on a long trip with someone difficult (which is pretty much anyone, after a day or so) and I can only squeeze in a few minutes to myself here and there, I find that reading this is one of the quickest fixes for my sanity.

Keep your eyes on the prize: When I first started doing sex work, it was easy to stay cheerful because I was so impressed with how easily the money came.  How can you be grouchy when you’re in the best paid profession of your life? But now, a couple years later, I’m financially secure enough that no individual appointment is enough to really change my life, as it had been when I was younger and still paying off tuition bills and credit card debt. I’m jaded. To keep yourself grateful for money, it can be helpful to have a specific material goal in mind, like a dollar amount or a major purchase. Maybe it’s getting out of debt, maybe it’s saving up for a trip, or maybe it’s a car or house. Whatever your goal may be, keep it in mind as you’re on your third sleepless night cuddled up to a snoring senior citizen. Remember: each breath is bringing you one step closer.