Friday is Valentine’s Day, that special day wherein we celebrate patriarchal norms and reinforce insulting gender stereotypes with rampant consumerism.
Valentine’s Day is one of the those special “off” days that happen every-so-often in the strip club. Working the night of one these off days is never business-as-usual—it’s usually, business-as-oh-my-God-did-that-just-happen. The day of Cupid falls on a Friday this year, and there’s going to be a full moon.
The vast majority of strippers have partners of the romantic sort. They’re not going to come to work because love or something. If 20 dancers typically work a Friday night, you might find yourself with only five or 10 buddies. Take a deep breath. You can do this. I have a plan. Do you?
The good news: if you’ve been dancing anywhere near as long as I have (over four presidential terms) then a few (dozen) regulars will probably drop by. A good friend and industry veteran once described the kind of man that eagerly visits his fave at the club on V-day thusly: “He is a stable, well-adjusted human with zero psychological issues.” I think he was being sarcastic? But in case he wasn’t, let’s consult romantic sage Plies for some music with a message for Valentine’s Day.
My regs always bring me flowers and chocolates by the truckload for the big V. Don’t get me wrong, any sort of gift is great, I guess maybe I’m becoming a little teeny bit ok a lot spoiled. I feel like that they could do a little better. Go a little bit bigger. Does a box of piddly candy hearts really reflect the level of devotion I deserve? No! Absolutely not! I better drop a hint.
The bad news: there will be couples, which means there will be women. Hey, I love women. Girl power, equal pay, all that jazz. Yet, too many female customers converts me into a P.U.A.-level sexist wearing a sparkly tee-shirt and a fedora. What is it with women in the club? I know they’ve seen a pair of tits before, because they OWN a pair of tits. Yet, for some reason when they see mine they’re all HONK HONK and TWEAK TWEAK. How can I keep it romantic and send a clear message?
The worst news: all those couples probably want to have sex later. Sex. Gross, AMIRITE? Indirectly, (or possibly directly), you and I are a part of their foreplay. The sex is a-coming, and they might tell you about it. They’re kinky! So kinky. Would you like to join them for a threesome after work?
“Can I tell you a secret?” Let me guess, lady. You’re not wearing any panties, right? This is definitely where my hustle is weak because I always find these conversations really uncomfortable and awkward. You’re going to tie him to the bedpost and make him sing “John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith” later? YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX. I get it. I’ll use this to send the memo loud and clear, and hopefully get the kinksters out of my hair with my sanity intact.
What’s your club like on Valentine’s Day?