I’ve opened every Tits and Sass article I’ve written by talking about how disgruntled I am. Let’s not stop now. To reiterate, I got into this industry largely out of desperation, found the niche I hate the least (pro-switching) and currently spend half my time building my business and the other half trying not to tear it down. Needless to say, I was pretty sure that I didn’t have any goals to accomplish before retiring. Then I saw Johanna’s plan to get a pug, and it hit me hard, in the face, like a flogger thrown by a jackass client: I must go out on an epic troll spree. Here’s my equivalent of scamming a dog out of a rich dude and running:
1. Change my working name to Mistress Meghan Julie Rhoda Murphy Bindel Grant
…Esquire. If a client fails to address me by my full name, I will revoke all of his human rights. You know, for his own good.
2. Figure out a way to sell just about anything as a fetish item.
Should I throw this old sweatshirt in the Goodwill pile? No, I’ll just rub it with onions and period panties and sell it as Mistress’s hot, smelly workout clothes. (LOL. Me. Work out.) Is it time to toss this old toothbrush? No, it’s time to go on Ebanned, and post about Madame’s filthy little butt tickler. Should I take out the cat litter? Don’t be silly; that poop is for the pathetic slaves who aren’t good enough for the Queen’s own chocolate. Put it in some Tupperware and ship it!
3. Re-write my ad copy with phrases plagiarized from Saturday Night Live’s Stefon sketches and @Horse_ebook’s Twitter feed.
DO YOU NEED MY HELP? ASK THOSE OLD
I’m a gorgeous, talented young Domme with legs for days and fists like little empanadas. Experience and learning of hundreds of people and their dogs. My facilities are state-of-the-art. I rent from Scampi, New York’s hottest dungeon. And the hospital. Opened in 1997 by missing Florida woman Lisa Martinez, it’s conveniently located in the middle of the East River, and it has everything: glass, steam, bear traps, hopscotch, double dutch, mesh bladder implants, and the table from Charlie Rose. Keep keep keep keep keep keep keep keep keep.
- into your cereal boxes and eat your cereal.
- introduce balloon
- that thing of when someone calls Miss Piggy ‘fat,’ and she goes, “Hiiii-ya!”
- draw the details of the mouth
- MOVE THINGS
- that thing of when you’re on the train and you sit between two guys in FUBU jackets
And if you’re thinking of building a tiny house, I can. Doubles are available with some of the city’s most talented Dommes: frat boy guru D-bag Chopra, narcoleptic drag queen Snoozin’ Lucci, and a lady who works at CVS, but do not bother her because she is on break.
We speak and breathe everything.
4. When a client says, “Do whatever you want, Mistress,” I actually do it.
Every sex worker knows that “Let’s do whatever you want” is passive-aggressive man-boy code for, “I want you to want the same things as I do, but I won’t tell you what they are.” Normally, I pretend not to even hear those requests, but my last session will be an exception.
“Whatever I want?” I’ll coo.
“Yes, Miss,” he’ll reply.
“All right then.” Before he can blink, he’ll be gagged and tied to the bed with my sturdiest rope. The anticipation will be killing him; he’ll be loving every second of it. “I’m going to get changed into something a bit more comfortable”
“Nhhmmhmmm,” he’ll say.
I’ll grab my civilian clothes and head into the bathroom. “What I really want, John,” I’ll exclaim, “is to not have to convince you that I’m turned on by the same specific fetishes that you like so much, to not have to pretend that I enjoy looking at your saggy old naked self, to no longer have to put up with your emotionally needy, self-indulgent whining and your smelly breath.”
“WHAGUMPHUHPPPPHH???,” I’ll hear him protest.
“You’re right, that’s more what I don’t want to do than what I do want.” I’ll allow him to struggle in silence for a long, awkward minute before emerging fully clothed. “So what do I want? Well, I want this new job I have now that I really like.” I’ll pause again, packing my bag and fixing my hair. “And I want you to understand how frustrating and ridiculous it is for me to pretend I’m ‘dominating’ you, when I have to put up with your rude, obnoxious self just to pay my rent.”
He’ll be trying mightily to get out of his bondage at this point, but I’ll just laugh. A really mean, crazy laugh. Then I’ll sigh. “I also want to go home now and eat this pint of Ben & Jerry’s I’ve had for a hot minute and probably watch some old episodes of The Simpsons, so I’m just gonna head out now. Make sure to tip the maid A LOT for having to find you like this tomorrow morning, because God knows she doesn’t get paid enough to deal with this either.”
And then I’ll make my grand exit.
“Every sex worker knows that “Let’s do whatever you want” is passive-aggressive man-boy code for, “I want you to want the same things as I do, but I won’t tell you what they are.””
What an eye opening article. I would in no way want to be your “last” client. Just wondering, what would be the dream “real” job you would be marching off to?
That last client is an amalgamation of every shitty (though not abusive) client I’ve ever had, and the story around it is my fantasy of what I’d like to do to every shitty client, but, of course, will not. In case you missed the overall tone of this piece, *I am not being serious.* But if you don’t want to be that client, don’t be a rude, passive-agressive piece of work with bad hygiene. And if you’re implying that no one would want to be my client, that’s a mile away from the truth. My feelings around my job (and the circumstances surrounding my entry into the industry) don’t preclude me from being fucking amazing at it, so you can spare your tears for the guys who enjoy my services, plenty of whom I like well enough.
I never implied that my job now is not “real”, just that I don’t particularly like it. Sorry to ruin your delusions, dude, but a lot of us don’t much want to be here and would occasionally like the chance to rant about it without worrying about clients’ delicate feelings.
And since you asked… now that my health has improved, I’m able to go back to school to finish up my BA in sociology/ gender studies, and then I’m looking to get certified as a sex educator. That might involve working at a nonprofit, or it might be another freelance job involving workshops, speaking gigs, and blogging. I don’t think it’ll involve any marching though.
I’m dying laughing here. Oh my God. That’s sure taking the bucket list feature in a new (but no less earnest) direction.
No offense intended but it shouldn’t be eye opening. It isn’t rocket science to recognize that a client hires an escort after seeing her pictures, being attracted to her, often reading her website or advertisements and finding something he finds engaging in her. An escort is a service provider so we provide services for the client that make him happy. The escort is young, in shape, clean and attractive.
Because we are the service provider it is work for us. We get paid to perform a service. Clients often believe the escort finds them as attractive and engaging as the client finds the escort. Clients are almost always significantly older than us. Seldom have kept themselves in shape and are often fatuous gasbags that want to talk endlessly about themselves. While that is fine and part of the job to listen, nod, and react with an empathetic smile that doesn’t mean we find a client remotely attractive or engaging.
We don’t sit around in lingerie. Lingerie is usually uncomfortable. We like our civilian clothes. While we pretend to be into what the client wants that is job description. Clients seldom have a clue what we actually want, lack the ability to achieve it, or the desire to. Again that is fine they are the clients.
But the the bottom line we aren’t “into” our clients. We seldom find them attractive. We are usually bored to tears listening to their 20 minute long sentences about their glories at their job and how every woman, previous escort and partners have all screwed over the helpless victims that men seem to believe they are.
Sorry ghoul but that is reality. Clients pay for an interaction but it’s a job for us. Think of it as a roller coaster. Ride a roller coaster and you get a great thrill and the time of your life if it’s a good roller coaster but to the roller coaster the rider is irrelevant. Same basic principle.
^^^^^^^^^ thumbs up for EVER
I love the bucket list and premise. People in all kinds of jobs have their own “last day” fantasies and Lori’s were particularly creative and funny. I would challenge, however, the presupposed passive aggressiveness of BDSM clients that defer the agenda to the Domme. Recognizing that it is “work” for escort/domme,and that the client is paying for an “interaction” as you note, is it possible that the client is simply looking for an “interaction” where he does not know or has not prescribed the activities and sequence? Particularly in a BDSM sense? It is not very fulfilling to hire someone to use the leather slapper for a 14 minute warm up, the 12″ wood paddle for 16 minutes, the 18″ single tail no more than 13 times, and the rataan cane till I cry. All while wearing a nipple clamp tightened 2 and 3/4 turns. Not much of an “interaction” or experience in that.
I also question why is it so evil that the client would prefer the professional enjoy herself during the session. I get the absence of sexual motivation and lack of emotional connection and the inherent faking it. but that doesnt mean it has to be an entirely one way experience. It seems as though you would prefer that the client view the session as nothing more than “$5/minute” endeavor. Not a particularly attractive value proposition.
No one here has called anything “evil.” Having worked on webcam and actually been paid by the minute, I have no idea what you think a “$5/minute endeavor” means, or why it’s unattractive.
Why did you put work in quotes?
Well, I can’t answer for the author of this piece, Lori Adorable, but I myself work as a pro-switch and these are my thoughts:
“…is it possible that the client is simply looking for an “interaction” where he does not know or has not prescribed the activities and sequence?”
Yeah, it’s possible (and if the domme is skilled and has a little knowledge of and chemistry with her client, many sessions are like this anyway). Sessions are often dynamic, and I try to give my submissive clients the feeling of being truly helpless, controlled, or dominated. Also, any smart domme knows that you have to shake it up a little and keep it interesting and exciting for the client if you want him to come back and keep spending money.
It’s POSSIBLE…but clients who want to be totally surprised and controlled (within certain guidelines, of course) for the duration of the session sit down with me and have a reasonable conversation about that first. They are DIFFERENT and it is easy to recognize their sincerity.
95% of the clients who insist that they “only” want to do what “mistress” wants are, indeed, passive-aggressive, emotionally needy jerks who are playing games. They don’t want to be controlled. They want validation and they want to make you jump through hoops. The author is totally correct in her assessment.
No, my clients don’t dictate every single second of every single scene (how it actually works most of the time is they tell me a few things they like, a few things they don’t like, and their limits, and I work within those guidelines), but I also don’t get to walk into session and do whatever BDSM activities I feel like. And honestly? It shouldn’t be that way. Most submissives have their own sexual desires and limitations beyond “pleasing the Dom(me)”, and as someone who’s almost entirely subby in her personal life, I hate the notion that the sub is just there for the Dom(me)’s pleasure. It’s a two-way street. But when one partner is paying, it’s mostly a one-way street, and that’s fine. BDSM interests are so vast and tolerances vary so much from person to person, that doing what I want every time would be absurd and unprofitable. I just want clients to acknowledge this, and to not expect me to be personally into (and even sexually aroused by) everything from hardcore electrical play to sissification to pony training to adult babies to shibari bondage to caning, because I certainly don’t expect them to be into all of those things.
Also, way to put words into my mouth. Clients who want me to “do what I want” aren’t “evil”, they’re annoying, deluded, and/or misinformed. Even if I could get away with only doing the particular Domme activities that I like, I wouldn’t want to be doing them with a 60-year-old Wall Street banker I have nothing in common with, and I know that they know that on some level. It’s my job to pretend otherwise, and constantly pushing me to ‘do what I want’ makes that job harder.
You also seem to have missed the opening paragraph, wherein I state that this isn’t my dream job. Very, very few people are doing the job they want to do, and this is especially true in the sex industry, where the flexible hours, high pay, and low barrier to entry often make it the best option for women like me who don’t have degrees and struggle with chronic illness. Your insistence that I enjoy my job, goddamnit, is dismissive, entitled, and frankly ridiculous, as you’d never put that demand on your barista or your dog-walker.
Finally, if it wasn’t clear, *these are not sentiments I express to clients.* Most of the men who pay me for my time don’t know me as Lori Adorable, and as far as they’re aware, every second I spend with them is pure kinky, erotic bliss. This is me letting off steam so they don’t have to see it, which is definitely a “particularly attractive value proposition,” so you can save your tears. But a few clients DO know about ‘Lori Adorable’, and it turns out they’re mature enough to understand the nature of our interactions and to not be offended by the fact that I’m a full human being with interests other than their weird boners and feelings that might not always be sunshine and roses. And guess what? I actually do mostly enjoy my time with them, even if I don’t walk away with my panties soaked from putting them in a pair of diapers.
What I really love about this article is it’s not defensive or apologist, it’s just plain old letting off steam. It could be written about any profession, from the perspective of any worker, who feels like saying “You know what I REALLY want to do today?!”
Aside: I don’t think “Let’s do whatever you want” is a sex work or gender specific thing. If a woman says that to me, I know it doesn’t mean what the words say. It means she wants me to take the lead, to do things that she will enjoy, but without telling me what things she enjoys. Fine. Whatever. Life’s like that.
“Let’s do what you want to do” isn’t a phenomenon that’s unique to sex work, but when it takes place in the sex work-specific cultural and economic context I refer to, it becomes a sex work-specific problem. Men hire me to do what they want to do. If it was about what I wanted to do, they wouldn’t be paying me. That’s kind of the point of the exchange. (Also, when I do heed that request and, say, pull out my violet wand, nine times out of ten the client will protest, “Oh, well, not THAT.” So it’s not even a genuine request; they’re just trying to get what they want without communicating so they can more easily enjoy the illusion that my fetishes exactly match up with theirs. They should take some responsibility for their desires and recognize what the nature of our relationship is instead of forcing me to do an impossible dance.)
Love the rest of this comment though. Thank you for getting it.
Fair point 🙂
This post just made my day, thanks.
Oh god, do I hate it when a client says “Do whatever YOU want to do!” It’s so obnoxious. I also hate it when I’m the sub (I’m a pro-switch, too) and the client insists on “giving me pleasure” or making me “come” with the hitachi. I understand that it’s part of his fantasy, but FFS, it’s so invasive and intrusive. You’re not my BOYFRIEND, dude. Okay, you’re paying for physical intimacy and fantasy fulfillment, but you’re not entitled to my secret sexuality. $400 does not buy you an all-access backstage pass to my very goddamned soul.
I always fake the orgasms, but I RESENT having to do so. I think it’s rude that they even ask.
And I hate it that some of these smug boundaries-pushing fucktards REALLY THINKS that he made me “come.”
I also love it when I get a dude who wants me to call him “Master.” It is so hard to keep a straight face sometimes.
Anyway I loved your Bucket List and thanks for letting me rant.
I feel the same way about squirting/female ejaculation. Which IS something I can do, but only under the right circumstances, one of them being a partner (human and/or vibrating) I actually want to be with. It’s nearly impossible while working, and then you have to manage the client’s disappointment in your inability to validate their masculinity. Sometimes they just get pouty, sometimes angry. Why I try to stick to oral, and keep them away from my pussy as much as possible.
It’s like they think you’re an emotionless mechanical robot who requires nothing more than the “right” poking and manual stimulation (“programming”) in order to have an orgasm. SORRY, DUDE, I AM A COMPLEX EMOTIONAL CREATURE WHO MIGHT BE UNWILLING OR UNABLE TO ACHIEVE PERSONAL SEXUAL GRATIFICATION WITH A STRANGER I MET 40 MINUTES AGO.
This attitude from some clients really bothers me…this disrespect for my intimate sexual privacy.
I recently had a client for a switch session who wanted to make it all about “mutual fantasy fulfillment.” BARF BARF BARF BARF! This guy had been a very emotionally needy, boundaries-pushing client the first two times I saw him. He wanted me to be joyously receptive as if he was my boyfriend and he’d ask me questions like, “Do you think I’m attractive?”
Anyway, I wasn’t going to tell him ANY of my real fantasies…I’m pretty kinky, but I had to make up something that had NO emotional resonense with me…
I picked “puppy play.” If you don’t know what that is, it’s a BDSM kink where you pretend to be a little puppy, and fetch tennis balls and learn dog tricks and get scratched behind your ears. LOL.
Yup. I faked having a fetish for puppy play that I wanted to “share” with him. ALL IN A DAY’S WORK.
He ate it up
This comment is perfect in every way.
P.S. Oh my god, I just found your blog, and, hi, I think I love you. Not in a weird, creepy-ass client kinda way tho.
Hi! I’m glad you liked the comment and I hope you enjoy my blog. I’ve written a lot about being a pro-switch and it’s all under the tag label “The Biz,” if you’re interested.
I love your writing and have read all your columns in this blog.
It’s funny, we all are going to have our own boundaries about what we do and don’t find uncomfortable, but I find I have very few limits when it comes to psychological boundary pushing from clients, because I just have zero qualms lying to them the first time they ask. When I first started doing sex work the “what’s your real name” question bothered me massively, until it occurred to me that if I said “oh, my real name is Sarah” casually, the first time they asked, then they didn’t ask again, and never really questioned the notion that my “real name” might be just as fake as the one in my advertisements, and I take a similar approach to “what do you want to do” type idiots (although, oh my god Ms. Adorable, you hit the nail on the head with that one, you do) — my best clients are the ones who can be honest about the interaction they’re paying for, but if you want to waste your session playing sexual-desire-charades, well, fuck it, it’s your dime. My “real” orgasms, coincidence-of-shared-predilections, and interests-that-just-happen-to-match yours, are just as real as “Sarah,” and if that bothers you, than you should’ve respected the boundaries in the first place.
(Sex Worker nerd moment: clients like those always remind me of Margery Kempe’s husband, who asks her, after negotiating a chaste marriage for payment of his debts, under what circumstances she would consent to fuck him again. and she basically says “Why do you ask these questions, when you know the answers will make you so unhappy?” )
Does that make sense to anyone?
Absolutely, the vast majority of the words out of my mouth when I’m working are completely false. I have zero issues lying to clients/customers, especially when it makes them happy, and typically, happy date = safer date. I mentioned female ejaculation specifically because it’s something I can’t fake; either it happens or it doesn’t. A problem I still don’t always know how to navigate is when to fake pleasure if what they’re doing is not exactly painful but definitely uncomfortable, and at what point do I have to let reality in and tell them to chill the fuck out with the fingering/thrusting/licking/other.
This is great. Hilarious. If you are crowd sourcing ideas, you may want to add that last forced bi session you do by simply double booking it, and in that moment of awkwardness where the two clients are looking warily at each other, you toss one of them a coin saying “you two figure out who goes first” and walk to the door saying… “I really dont want to be a third wheel on this date…”
THIS is the sex work bucket list I’ve been waiting for.
Have tried to figure out a way sell used things (#2) but it always ends up looking like too much work for not enough money. Disappointing because I have so much stuff to sell!!
#4 is a huge YES. I have so longed to do that with escort clients. Too many have said “Do whatever you want to do” and they really shouldn’t because I what I want is to take the money and go home.
Late to the read, but fun. The image of a tied up fatty squirming around on a bed helpless with a gag in his mouth is just priceless, and one that I have visited in my mind many times.
As far as the “do what you want” I always snapped people out of that quickly by pulling out my biggest strap on (I call it the baby arm, it almost reaches my knee) and waving it around with a look of utter joy on my face. I have found that they would quickly start being more specific when they saw it.
Just like Evie and Branding, I have no idea how people have not called me on my bs, especially since I was and still am very active on a review board. But you pay for an illusion and that is what you get.
This. Is. Amazing. All of it. Yes Yes Yes. Sex work IS work, we don’t have to enjoy it all the time. I didnt enjoy working at maccas as a teen- does that mean i shouldn’t have worked there?
The only thing I disagree on is the guys who want to whine all the time about their issues. I just think it’s better than having sex with them haha. Plus, they “feel a connection” between us two and want to come back. Win-win situation in my eyes 😛 Ive been paid $1600 for a night, talked throughout it, gave him a bj and he doozed right off to sleep. Easiest money I’ve ever made.
The “I want whatever you want”. Oh my Lord, as everyone else has said, soooo true!! There’s a 99% possibility that I wont enjoy anything you do, so let me do my job and let me know what you want!
This is an awesome post, and the comments are awesome. That is all. (I’d contribute little that hasn’t already been said that *needs* be said at 5:21am… ;-))
God knows that every one of us girls in this line of work agrees wholeheartedly!! I would love love to do exactly that every single day! And when they ask what they can do to “please” me, I’d love to tell them, “Just drop my money in the mailbox each week and never force me to look at you ever again!”. Now THAT would something they could do to please me!! Chin up girls!! Remember, they’re the ones who have to pay for us to have anything to do with them!! So never let them confuse you as to who’s who!!