Comments on: Dear Tits and Sass: Boundaries

By: Vanessa

Vanessa — Tue, 31 Jan 2017 21:31:51 +0000

I am so relieved to read that you chose to end this relationship. You seem very self aware and capable of being analytical, and I have no doubt you learned a lot from this relationship/break up and will use that knowledge to find and build healthier relationships in the future.

By: OP

OP — Tue, 03 Jan 2017 15:02:57 +0000

Thank you to everyone who has responded here, I’ve read and re-read these contributions whenever my confidence has dropped and/or I’ve felt at a loss at what to say or do. It’s been really reassuring to be told that I am being considerate and I am listening, as I’ve been made to feel quite the opposite for quite some time!

Her demands have been unfair and unrealistic, and controlling and disrespectful, and it has taken me some time but I can finally see that now… I think that when similar behaviour started cropping up in my personal/social life, it unfortunately became even more obvious to me then. Sadly, she doesn’t like most of my friends and has given me the choice of “It’s me or them” both with clients and personal friendships which she’s found too difficult to deal with.

While I’ve said that I refuse to cut people out as that doesn’t solve the problem at the source, as well as the fact that these people are important to me and I don’t want to lose them. But as far as she’s concerned, that’s the only solution to her being able to feel comfortable. But if she’s willing to put the relationship on the line repeatedly, rather than try to work through anything together, then I can’t help but wonder whether it really means that much to her in the first place!

I know I’d had a fair bit of internalised stigma which she’d managed to trigger, whether intentionally or not, which had lead to a really unhealthy balance in the relationship. But I think it’s clear to us both now that we’re better off apart, and thankfully that acknowledgement has come from her first. So here’s to a happier year ahead!

By: flask

flask — Thu, 20 Oct 2016 16:27:25 +0000

i’m pretty sure that if you have problems with being intimate with a sex worker, you should not be in a relationship with a sex worker.

not everyone can meet your needs. clearly this partner is not ok with this work.

i would be a bad partner for a sex worker. i will do those people the courtesy of not trying to partner them.

there are a LOT of people i would be a bad partner to. maybe i don’t know ahead of time that i will.

being unsuitable for someone (or their line of work) is not a license to bad behavior.

By: L

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 20:01:49 +0000

Honestly, that’s 4 clients you’ve lost for someone who has never done sex work. There’s some acting involved.
She needs to give you a LOT more space to do your own thing. Frankly I don’t think she should ever read your emails or be allowed to be anywhere near you when you work. She sounds like she’s not secure enough in herself to handle your work. I know most aren’t and that this answer is probably horrid considering that it’s probably really hard to find someone you’re compatible with. But, you aren’t there looking over her shoulder controlling her when she works. She needs to trust you and maybe you shouldn’t agree to any boundaries you can’t commit to also. I hope you two make it. But, it takes forever to build up clients and as SW’s we get used to a certain lifestyle and want the money it takes to afford to maintain it and that’s ok! You’re not a robot to be controlled. You’re just doing your job, trusting your gut. Don’t let this gf of yours wreck all your good relationships with those LT friends! Good luck! Unless she can respect you this sounds like it may not work out. 🙁

By: Kennedy

Kennedy — Tue, 20 Sep 2016 18:32:27 +0000

I agree with Caty and Josephine 100%. I would qualify this woman’s partner as abusive and urge her to leave ASAP.

By: EDW

EDW — Tue, 20 Sep 2016 17:18:06 +0000

In reply to EDW. To add some context: I started doing full-service work while in a poly relationship with a guy, and he was concerned that I was putting myself at unnecessary risk. I was increasing my risk, but I was also increasing my income, and this was a trade-off that was worth it at the time. The way he approached me about it didn't feel like it was rooted in concern for me but in whorephobia (and, in retrospect, it was), but I felt like I deserved to be shamed for taking this risk because, well, I was taking a risk. But that wasn't his decision to make. He could and did make the decision to break up with me because of it, and I'm relieved now that that relationship didn't drag on. I ended up changing my work habits months later, and I did that for me, not for him.

By: EDW

EDW — Tue, 20 Sep 2016 17:13:15 +0000

It took me a while to figure this out, so maybe my sharing it can be a shortcut for the letter writer or someone else reading here: whether or not your way of working is “unreasonable” (and, let’s be real, often times we end up working in ways that are not the safest or healthiest because money can be worth the trade-off), your partner can’t be the one to force a change. She can share her concerns and state her own boundaries. She can express concern around the integrity of your work habits and your safety and well-being, and she can decide for herself whether she’s comfortable staying with you while you work in a way she deems concerning. But that’s it. She can’t demand XY or Z for the sake of the relationship, whether or not it’s ‘reasonable’, and she’s already gone beyond demanding and into forcing. She’s violating your boundaries to make a point about you possibly pushing your own boundaries with clients? That’s fucked-up, controlling behavior. Regardless of how you do or don’t work, you should DTMFA (thanks, Dan Savage, for your one and only solid contribution as an advice columnist).

By: Amanda

Amanda — Tue, 20 Sep 2016 14:21:13 +0000

Anyone in a relationship who tries to control your work or has serious emotional issues with your work needs to go. It’s the biggest possible red flag in a sex worker’s personal life. It’s not going to get better no matter how you contort yourself or your business around her demands.

Of course, once you end the relationship, you get to worry about whether or not she’s going to stalk you or start outing you to people you aren’t out to. Fun times.