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The Greatest Strip Club Song Of All Time: Hip Hop/R&B and Dance/Pop Regions

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March 21, 2013

stripperball — It’s too bad that the Rick’s Stripper Basketball League never actually happened.

Our contribution to March Madness is this quest to determine The Greatest Strip Club Song Of All Time. The four regions are Rock, Dance and Pop, Hip Hop and R&B, and Classics. The songs, just like the teams in the NCAA tournament, are seeded 1-16. Here is the full bracket.

You will decide the winner. Voting is open to all, starting with the opening rounds today. If you somehow aren’t familiar with any of these songs, here is a Spotify playlist that has nearly all of them (save the Harry Pussy placeholder since Prince’s “Pussy Control” isn’t available).

Today we’ll start with the Hip Hop/R&B region. You’ll notice it’s probably the toughest region to get out of, loaded as it is with sex jams and make it rain anthems. The 1 seed is Ginuwine’s “Pony,” of course, but it was a tough call as Fat Joe and Lil Wayne essentially defined current strip club imagery with “Make It Rain.”

ginuwine — I’m just a bachelor who made one of the best R&B stripper jams of all time.

Naked Music Monday: “What A Way To Make A Living”

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February 25, 2013

image via The Gloss

Hooking is definitely one of the better jobs I’ve had, but it’s still a job, and sometimes it gets me down. A slow week, a jerk client, a particularly gross newspaper article, being outed by a friend—it can be hard to keep your spirits up and your head in the money-making mindset amid all that noise. At those times, I like to take refuge in quality pop music and pithy political analysis. These songs combine both.

Dolly Parton, “9 to 5”

We all gotta work, and Dolly Parton (my hero) has always been pretty savvy about using what she’s got to get ahead. She also knows it’s not easy, and she never sugar-coats it either. If there’s a catchier, more incisive pop song about working women negotiating capitalism’s daily grind, I want to hear about it (I mean that, please tell me about it, I love that shit). This song never fails to perk me up before a particularly dire day or night of work. Whichever 9 to 5 you work, Dolly is there for you.

Salt-n-Pepa, “None of Your Business”

“Opinions are like assholes and everybody’s got one”.

Stripper Music Monday: “Kisses Down Low” And The Holy Trinity of Cunnilingus Songs

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February 11, 2013

Kelly didn’t get to sing this during the Super Bowl. Her songs are much, much dirtier than Beyoncé and Destiny’s Child, and “Kisses Down Low” is Rowland’s entry into one of the best types of sex songs: Lyrics About Eating Pussy As Sung By Women. Just last night I had to hear yet another customer talk about how he just loooooved to eat pussy, and how he was soooo good at it, I’d pay him *eyes actually leave sockets as muscles fail to stop their rolling.* While, when done right, it’s great, listening to those proclamations makes me wonder why there aren’t corresponding “stop fucking eating my pussy, you are so horrible at it it seems you have mistaken my vulva for corn on the cob and it feels so disgusting that I am nauseated” songs is beyond me and an inaccurate reflection of women’s sexual experience. It’s much more fun to hear a woman tell a man what she wants and how he’d better do it, and these three songs are solid, played-until-the-end-of-time strip club standards.

Stripper Music Monday: Bubbles’ Top Five Fuck You Songs

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February 4, 2013

suck my left one embroidered patch by nastynasty on etsy

Celebrate, strippers, for January is over. Traditionally the worst month of the year in the club (with the semi-exception of Vegas during CES and AVN), we wave goodbye to it with one lone finger raised high and look forward to the uptick in business that comes with February.

When the club is dead, or worse, packed full of guys who aren’t spending money, it’s good to blow off steam instead of getting frustrated and frantic. You want to hold on to a semblance of a good attitude in case that one awesome customer who can save your night walks in the door. Or maybe you just want to tell everyone to fuck off and quit looking at you for free. Either way, it’s great to have a list of FUCK YOU SONGS, the ones you dance to when you’re all out of fuck-giving and are more interested in amusing yourself than entertaining the crowd. Jesus, some of those dudes act like it’s our JOB to entertain them.

Here, then, are my five all-time favorite Fuck You Songs, selected for maximum audience alienation and personal enjoyment. They’re all good genuine fun to dance to and the crowd (and possibly your DJ, fellow dancers, and managers) probably won’t like them.*

Wire, “I Am The Fly”

The metallic, buzzing guitars on “I Am The Fly” are guaranteed to set most customers on edge. Maybe they’ll even be unfortunate enough to pay attention to the lyrics (“I can spread more disease than the fleas/Which nibble away at your window display”). The just-off timing of the vocals keeps it from settling into a steady rhythm, but to me, the whole of all these little discomforts is a near-perfect groove.

Naked Music Monday: Dance of Sugar Plum the Stripper

Naked Music Monday

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December 17, 2012

Historically, I haven’t been a big fan of Christmas, which is why I’ve been parading around at work as a sexy Ms. Claus since Thanksgiving ended. I’ve come to realize that the key to getting through the holidays is to really embrace them and have fun with it: make them your bitch. If you don’t own any holiday lingerie, I suggest you change that because red velvet with white fuzzy trim is flattering on every type of attitude. Want to express your newfound cheer on stage but can’t think of any vaguely strip club appropriate holiday music? We got you. Not to mention these lyrics are less offensive than “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” (If dancing to hip hop isn’t really your thing, then check out last year’s edition.)

Too $hort, “The Hanukkah Song” It’s only two minutes long, so it’s a great song to strip to if you really have to pee and didn’t have time before your stage set because a female customer puked all over the bathroom. Plus now you don’t have to dance to Adam Sandler, which is something you shouldn’t have been doing anyway, however hysterical “At A Medium Pace” may be to you. This just came out, so dance to it first and yell at everyone else for stealing your song.

Eazy E, “Merry Muthaphuckkin’ Xmas” This one’s a muthaphuckkin’ classic.

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