Your Bunched Panties, Calculated And Concluded

by suzyhooker on October 28, 2013 · 7 comments

in This Time, It's Personal

Image via Annablogia

Image via Annablogia

We’ve been working our tails off here at Tits and Sass H.Q. We’ve calculated, tabulated, carried the four and moved the decimal. We almost ran out of bananas to feed our staff of well-trained statistician monkeys.  It was a close one, but we persevered. Now we can finally publish what may be considered the most important and scientifically relevant bit of sex worker research ever done. Yes, the results of our poll are in and we can now answer the most pressing question of our time: What, dear sex workers, irritates YOU the most? 

55% of strippers polled agreed that, “So, what’s your real name?” just might be the most grating question on the planet. Sweatpants Boner Man (he always comes close, but never quite makes it in) received 32% of the votes and “So, what else do you do?” received 13% of the votes. (Answer: they’re just  putting themselves through life, buddy.)

Everybody loves a good deal but escorts would prefer you stick a sock in it over asking for one. One wise commenter stated, “I’m not a pair of shorts. You won’t find me in the bargain bin because I’m NOT ON SALE.”  Haggling over previously agreed upon and/or posted prices earned 43% of votes, barely edging out rough and ceaseless stimulation on your most sensitive parts, which received 37% of the votes. A note to clients: please wash your damn junk, seeing as  20% of the votes went towards poor hygiene.

Fetish Providers and Pro-Dommes cringe every time a client shrugs and suggests, “I want to do whatever you want to do!” One commenter smartly deconstructed this remark, which received a full 50% of the votes: “In client speak ‘I want to do whatever you want to do’ actually means ‘magically figure out my incredibly obscure and unusual fantasy and make it reality. I will not give you any hints or clues, in fact I am unable to talk about my own desires in any meaningful way. I probably don’t even consciously know what they really are. And I expect you to have lots of (incredibly expensive and specific) equipment readily available. Oh, and if you can’t figure it out I will be whiny and extra annoying. And not only will I not book again, I will trash you in any forum I can find (to other members of the community, on ratings boards, etc.).’”  36% found unadulterated passive-aggressiveness presented as being submissive to be the absolute worst and  lastly, 14% picked “Are you dominant/into my highly-specific-and-obscure fetish in real life?”

What did we miss, dear readers? What’s bothering you right now? In a perfect world, how would you deal with these everyday irritations?  Tell us in the comments. Tell us RIGHT NOW!


{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Miss Margo October 29, 2013 at 9:08 pm

Oh man….okay, I’m a pro-switch fetish provider in NYC. My pet peeves:

A client requests body worship, and I allow it, after stating my boundaries. I HATE body worship, but I will endure it on certain parts of my body as long as the price is right and the guy isn’t completely repulsive.
So..the pet peeve about this is when the guy is licking and nuzzling my leg/foot/bottom/armpit/wherever and he stops and asks me, “DOES IT FEEL GOOD?” or “YOU LIKE THAT, DON’T YOU?”

ARRRRGH pass me the ice pick!

I’m letting him do it and faking it the entire time. And I’m putting my best effort into faking it. Smiling, being sexaaay. Giving direction into how he can do it “better.” Why does he have to insist on this validation? Is it because he feels guilty and conflicted about seeing a sex worker, and wants me to alleviate that guilt?

Another pet peeve: When asking me how I got into this business or how long I’ve been doing it, he asks “Were you molested?” “Do you have Daddy Issues?” “Were you abused?” “Were you raped?”

He would never ask that of a woman in any other job, because he’d be sued.


Miss Dior Dandridge October 30, 2013 at 5:21 pm

I think no call/no shows should be #1 on this list


Miss Skye November 4, 2013 at 6:08 pm

No calls/no shows, for #1. Although, “so, what’s your fantasy? What do YOU like?” comes in a close second. I remember a particularly awful client (hideous, poor social skills, dreadful hygiene) who asked that incessantly. It’s always the clients who are the absolute worst in bed who ask this, too.


Cinnamonbonescrunch November 5, 2013 at 9:40 am

Here are a few of mine for the strip club:
1. When a guy blows on my pussy and asks me, “Does that feel good?”
2. “I just like going to strip clubs to talk to the girls and drink some beer.” Translated: I don’t want to spend money, and I’m just going to sit here in the corner staring at the stage like a creeper.
3. When I put my breasts in a guy’s face and they start shaking their head back and forth like a fuckin’ wildebeest…Dude, you know you caused those benign cysts in my breast, right???
4. I’m 5’10”, so when I’m wearing my 7″ heels, guys will say “you’re a big one, aren’t ya?”. I just started saying, “I think the word you’re looking for is TALL.”


Miss Margo November 6, 2013 at 10:17 am

This made me laugh!

I hate it when they do something stupid or gross and then ask, “Does it feel good?” ARRRRGH! I had some idiot the other day request leg and ass worship, which I hate more than just about anything because it makes me feel like I’m being consensually molested, and he’s nuzzling my legs and asks, “Does it feel good?”

NO, it feels GROSS! I’m putting up with it because I’m getting paid! Why the fuck would you think I would enjoy having a stranger lick me? I hope you get a mouthful of body lotion, fuckstick!


Adele November 7, 2013 at 12:39 am

“Do you have a boyfriend?”
“OMG does he… *know*?”
“Know what?”
“That you do… *this*”
*look of shock/horror/disbelief*


Lilly Muse December 17, 2013 at 2:35 pm

I’m an escort. Everything that’s already been said plus:

1. “Do whatever you want to me.” Don’t tempt me. For some, that would mean slapping them really hard in a serious not sexy way, taking the entire contents of their wallets, and leaving.

2. Thinking they are the only clients ever in the history of clienthood who enjoy “giving a woman pleasure.” I mean like OMG YOU LIKE TO EAT PUSSY REALLY?? I simply MUST know more about you, you unique son of a gun. When really he’s just trying to conceal the fact that his limp dick is basically useless.

3. Cologne!! One of my regulars has the most offensive gentlemanly scent that sticks to my lingerie and sheets. Sickening.

4. Asking for rates immediately on the phone/starting the conversation with general crassness and barely a hello

5. Wanting to know too much about the “real me” while at the same time implying or explicitly assuming I couldn’t possibly have real life things like a lover or children.

6. Long drawn out text conversations that go nowhere. Requests for unpaid meet & greets. Expecting to get any of my time or attention for free.

7. Thinking he is special in any way.


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