I spent the better part of last June gluing rhinestones to this one wall in my apartment. At some point during the second week I started wearing a toolbelt full of E6000 glue, wadded up paper towels, sparkly bits and the syringes I use to control where the glue goes. I should mention that the toolbelt was being worn instead of pants as opposed to on top of pants. I should also mention that my apartment has horrible ventilation and I was probably kind of high on glue fumes. The glue fumes may have contributed to my decision to climb the radiator instead of using a ladder.
On the night of the 14th there was a knock on my door. The only person who knocks on the inside door is my superintendent. His name is Jorge. I yelled “Come in” and then realized that he might be upset about the fact that I was sticking things to the wall with heavy-duty glue. Fortunately, Jorge is a very special creature. He took in the whole spectacle, exclaimed “Oh my god!” and proceeded to gush in his Puerto Rican-Brooklynite accent about how much he loved where I was going with the concept. Then he ran upstairs and came back with a giant box of “Sarchovskys? Warsovskys? Whatevah. I thought you might be able to use them for your project.” See, at some point in the past decade someone had left a giant box of Swarovski crystals at his apartment. Happy Birthday to me. No, seriously. The next day was my birthday.
A few months later someone showed me this Saturday Night Live skit. They thought I might be entertained. The first 55 seconds were hilarious because of my awesome memory of Jorge and his Warsovskys. It stopped being funny shortly after I realized that the two women were supposed to be former porn stars. See, their former porn star caricatures aren’t nearly as funny as our former and current porn stars can be.
Like every industry, pornography employs a range of people. Some of them are very intelligent, some are wicked street smart, some are incredibly talented at things that have nothing to do with sex. Most are talented at things that do have something to do with sex. Because of this range, there are absolutely a few women (and men) who work as performers in the adult industry and fit every unfortunate part of the dippy porn star stereotype. Generally their antics are far more entertaining than anything shown in the Swarovski skit, or the Moet & Chandon and Hermes ones that followed. For instance, this one girl told me a story about how she left her cell phone in a strange man’s car by accident. When he returned it to her the following morning he also gave her a small gift wrapped box. What was in the box? We will never know, because she threw it away. She was offended by the small size of the package. I mean, it’s not like jewelry comes in tiny little boxes or anything…
Or the girl who lost her shoes going through airport security. A few minutes and many tears later, they were found. On her feet. Or the time that same girl called in a panic because she was supposed to meet us in Berlin but the people on her plane kept talking about going to Germany. The point here is that even the very few performers in the adult industry who actually are barely functional loons exhibit more anecdotal variety and depth of character than the Swarovski Crystals girls do. This variety and depth of character is probably due to the fact that they are actual human beings. It’s probably a little unfair to expect writers to develop whole personalities for multiple characters in four minutes or less, but SNL could have done better than the lowest common denominator.
The level of joy picturing your genius decorating skills is pretty much perfectly evenly matched by how depressing watching that sketch was.
Now I’m off to figure out where to buy rhinestones in bulk.
The best bulk rhinestone seller I’ve found is rhinestoneguy.com. They have awesome customer service and are really fast shippers. Love them!!
I’ve found SNL to be less and less funny anyway–doesn’t surprise me that they would do the laziest kind of humor about adult performers. Because like, any more than that would require nuance beyond old-hat half-assed stereotypes?
How do you like using E6000? I prefer G-S Hypo Cement (which also has a convenient applicator tip to control messes, so no syringe for me!), plus I’ve heard it lasts years longer than E6000. But then again I guess each one has a sizeable following, and I’ve also heard that E6000 maintains a fair amount of flexibility, so it doesn’t crumble off.
Wow. I couldn’t even get all the way through any of those. So tedious.
How is it that nobody on SNL met a real porn star?
The public doesn’t want to believe sex workers are smarter than they are. They would much rather laugh at you in comedy skits while selfishly enjoying your movies in private. Idiots.
Despite the fumes, your brain seems to be functioning better than most.
One of the many reasons I can’t watch most television.
You were gifted a box of Swarovski crystals by your superintendent. Be still my beating burlesque heart.
SNL has a very poor track record with sex worker portrayals. Tina Fey, anyone?
The only parts I like about the sketch is how mundane the gals are about certain sex acts and the bad timing the male character has. The first because talk of sex acts may shock a viewer but as a performer it is day to day common place to talk about DPs and such or even to do them. Its your job. The second because I love playing with comedic timing in my own sketches. Wrong entry is funny – in comedy. Not in sex though.
I’m a Swarovski employee by day and sex worker by night. Do you have any idea what a mindfuck this was for me? Talk about being dissed, HARD.
[…] varied – because it’s a group blog, it features all sorts of stuff, ranging from Stoya’s writing trenchantly about SNL’s poor parodies of porn stars to a “cam girl” writing about the experience of […]
[…] varied – because it’s a group blog, it features all sorts of stuff, ranging from Stoya’s writing trenchantly about SNL’s poor parodies of porn stars to a “cam girl” writing about the experience of […]
I would love to see the finalized product. Of the rhinstonethingy I mean
Both Tina Fey and SNL ceased being funny years ago!