Sit down. I have news for you. If you’re trying to date or hook up with someone you know from their work in escorting or porn, without paying them, your chances of success are close to zero. This is true even if we favorite your adoring comments on Twitter.
It may come as a shock to hear this. You may feel like sexual attraction is only part of the connection you have with this worker, and that paying would deny the authenticity of that. Or maybe you think that you are a really good (looking) person and only creepy or unattractive people pay. Maybe both you and the sex worker are queer and/or have similar politics. You know sex workers and are down with decriminalization. There are many reasons you may feel you are exceptional.
You are operating under a basic misunderstanding of who we are and what we are doing. Which is this:
1. Portraying an inviting version of ourselves, one with genuine elements but oriented to be pleasing to as many people as possible.
2. …because we are trying to make a fucking living.
I am not writing this to make you feel foolish. I am writing this because in the last week I’ve had multiple experiences of people approaching me in person, calling me on the phone, and hitting me up on social media trying to have unpaid sex with me. It’s been hard to turn people down, because as both an escort and a porn performer, I am not trying to get a reputation as a “mean person”. When I do turn people down directly, they don’t listen or they’re patronizing as fuck. An anonymous internet post telling you how it makes me feel is really the best I (and tons of other sex workers) can do in the hope you get the message.
I feel devalued and strung along. When people contact me by way of my ad or social media I assume they are interested in seeing me as an escort. I’m excited and open in response. I like my job, I like meeting people, and most importantly, I like making the money I need to survive. When I realize that you’ve called me to jerk off or that you want to take me out to dinner and try to woo me into unpaid sex, I go through an emotional arc from excitement to confusion to pure rage. That is not the start of a good relationship.
While you might be deluded into thinking that paying for sex is shameful, there is no shame in being a respectful client who is concise in their communication, respects my boundaries, and pays me what I ask for with no bargaining. A real experience of shame for me is being tricked—not just having my time wasted, but having my emotional energy exhorted from me under false pretenses. It also makes me feel like you think that because I’m a hooker that I’m desperate for affection and will take whatever scraps are thrown my way. That is not true. I have lots of friends and lovers. Probably more than you.
If you’re interested in developing a deeper connection with me, see me as a client and check your expectations. I have clients whose relationship with me has evolved into something more complex. The reason that was able to happen is that they never tried to see me for free, they saw me multiple times, and they didn’t try to fast forward to romance against my wishes, so I was able to relax and share some of my real personality with them. Still, I’ve dated very few of these people off the clock, even after years of us knowing each other. Our relationships are mutually satisfying to us both. Despite—in fact, because —money changes hands, there is a deep intimacy that exists between us.
If you don’t have the money to hire me, I understand this may be disappointing to you. However, return to point number 1—I’m not who you think I am. If I’m not getting paid, I am not going to gag on your cock for half an hour and then tell you a few funny, carefully selected stories about my life. I will be a complete person with emotions and feelings that are sometimes in conflict with your own. Sometimes I will be lazy in bed. There will be boundaries about hickies and marks and sometimes you might have to shave my back. There will be a lot of management around having sex with you and sometimes needing to prioritize work. I will not be the one dimensional image that your fantasy creates when you jerk off. It is probably for the best that, along with your crush on Beyoncé or Drake, your interest in me is never reciprocated.
Just so that we are crystal clear, here are some dos and don’ts for engaging with your sex worker crush:
Don’t EVER approach a sex worker in public, especially if they are with other people at the time. You might be just trying to say you’re a fan, but at best I’m just trying to chill at the club and now I feel like have to be on. At worst, I’m with someone I don’t want to disclose to about my profession and you’ve just outed me. It’s scary and it won’t get you laid. Don’t do it.
Don’t think that if you see me on a casual sex or dating website that telling me you’ve seen my porn is going to get much of a response, if any at all. I appreciate being told that people enjoy my work, and a message that says that respectfully and is clear about not expecting a response is great. However, once you say you know me from porn, I will not want to have sex with you. This is true even if you are hot and seem nice. What that statement says to me is that if I have sex with this person I will be expected to put on a show. That’s not alluring. Someone putting you on a sexual pedestal before you’ve even met is kind of stressful.
Don’t ever EVER call my hooker phone for any reason except to set up an appointment with me. Would you call up a therapist and ask if they wanted to get together for free because you like the way they look? No. So don’t call me. If you are one of those guys who gets off on power playing with hookers who expect you to be a reasonable customer while you are jerking off knowing you’ll never see them—go die in hell. If you think I’m just sitting waiting by the telephone horny and wanting to chat—I’m not horny. I’m trying to get shit done and live my life. And I won’t be horny until the money is in my hands.
Do respect sex workers. Respect our occupation. Respect that the experiences that we provide to people are the product of hard work for which we deserve to be compensated in the way we ask. They’re not something anyone is entitled to have just because they want it. Recognize that the hot babe you see drooling for sex on the screen also has a life and is not just masturbating frantically waiting for you to come along and stick your fat cock into them. If you want our attention, you are going to have to make it worth our while. No, that doesn’t mean offering to go down on me for hours or to be my personal servant.
For many, the lure of the sex industry lies in the prospect of having a fantasy realized. However, adults with critical thinking abilities realize they aren’t entitled to treat other people like characters in a dream sequence. Wake up and pay us.
A series of honest grievances well enunciated. I’m from the client community and thank you for your powerful article.
I am a member of the client community.
Thank you for your clear & cogent article.
Some parts of all our work are onerous.
If I’ve done anything to make someone’s work difficult , I seek forgiveness.
In a spirit of metanoia I pledge to not repeat the behavior.
Small steps begin a long journey….
Great rant! Agree 100%
I always tell guys on the internet who are wondering out loud about whether to ask out their sex worker: “Dude, if she wants a ‘real date’ with you, she’ll let you know. Let HER do the asking. If you ask HER, you are almost certainly just going to put her on the spot, make the situation very awkward for both of you, and risk losing the entire relationship.”
It’s perfectly normal–desirable, even–to have a bit of a crush on your sex worker. Enjoy the crush, and don’t ruin the fantasy.
I recently had a client invite me to a multi-day conference in Las Vegas. He told me he’d reserved a fancy hotel suite and that he’d take me to the fine-dining restaurants there…AND THEN I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS FORCED TO BROACH THE ISSUE OF PAYMENT! Awkward! Totally awkward!
He talked about all the fun I could have while he was in meetings and “how much good shopping there is in Vegas.” What am I supposed to go shopping with, a food stamp? I’m trying to earn a living here! Also, why do you think I can just drop everything and take a week off from work, unpaid, and disappoint my regulars who have already pre-booked for that week, and who are my REAL bread and butter?
Ugh, these guys.
Fabulous! I am keeping this bookmarked to forward to my clients.
Thank you so much for this post. This happens to me often and I’m glad I’m not alone.
I don’t even have social media, only ads on escort sites but men treat my ads as if they are dating profiles sometimes. The perfect profile, apparently- since it is 90% sexy photos and 10% fantasy dream girl who lives to please.
However…the only way you’re going to spend time with *that* girl, is to pay up!
I can kind of understand developing a crush on someone in sex work because of their social media persona but I don’t understand expecting free time & attention.
It is definitely frustrating!
So true on so many things I’ve experienced now I’m a sex worker dating a sex worker and the rules are just as confusing as a fan who could meet their favorite sex worker
YUSSSSSSSSSING SO HARD RIGHT NOW.
Very well-written! Preach it, girl!! I’ll be sharing this widely. 🙂
Oops- apologies for being presumptuous about your gender ID- I recognize that this can apply to any gender, but I personally very strongly identified with it as a cis-female. Thanks again for an awesome read!
So well written and spot on. Thank you for so succinctly putting words to my frustration. “I’m not who you think I am”- perfect.
A charmingly old-fashioned attitude.
“Those beastly men! They say they like you, but the only want one thing. It’s just outrageous that they think they can expect you to do – you know – “the thing” without paying.
you sound like a client who got rejected lol
If someone is looking at escort ads, they should reasonably expect to pay.
You missed the author’s point entirely.
Most sex workers DO have sex in their personal lives, without pay.
BUT those partners are either people met in normal life, not people who approached the SW via her SW persona, or a special client who the SW herself approached.
So if you want to date a sex worker, you can either hope & wish that you chance to meet one in everyday life and the attraction/interest is mutual….. or patronize sex workers as a client, hoping that one will initiate an off-the-clock relationship.
A pipe broke in my house and flooded the living room, so I called a plumber, told him I was special and liked the way he looked, and asked him to fix the pipe for free. Unfortunately the plumber had a charmingly old fashioned attitude and wanted to be paid.
Maybe you should’ve tried telling your plumber that your pipe is soooooo nice that he will want to pay YOU after he got done fixing it 😉
Lmao right and what most of the clients don’t realize is that a lot of sex workers have serious partners. And don’t get me started on these goddamn review boards, we have to pay to comment and defend ourselves on the threads. but clients can go and write whatever they want about us I remember when we didn’t have to pay. So at Christmas time my bfs sister got mad at us because he bought me a watch for Christmas and her bf didn’t even call her to say anything to her… So she posted me and my bf on the dirty with a pic taken from my personal Facebook and used it. Then a little while after I started back in sex work I took 2 years off I see someone asking if anyone has seen me to give a review, next thing I see is the link to the dirty telling people to check out me and my manager (pimp) do they not realize how damaging that can be to our reputations as professional sex workers? But if my bf were white they wouldn’t have said anything about him being my manager….
Hi-
I had my first sexual experience with an escort specialized in the area of “older” virgins, though not as part of a classic therapeutic surrogacy session. It was a wonderful experience, I hope for both of us. At the end, she gave me her private number (I assume) and said she’d like to hear from me, know how I was doing after the sex, and maybe go for a coffee or beer when I was back in town (I’m not living in the city where “it” happenend but on the other side of the country). I was hesitant about having my first time with a sex worker for years, because of the “feel really desired” part, so I would have liked to get to know her a bit on a more personal level. Some time later she contacted me to ask how I was doing? I explained I was fine and that ‘d contact her about that beer or coffee when I was back in town. Eventually, I was going back there, and I told two close friends who knew about my first time with her that I’d like to go and meet her for a beer or coffee. They were adamant about not doing that, like you in this post. They saif that she was doing what she was doing because she’s professional. I should not get the impression that she was interested in me on a personal level. I got angry at my friends that evening. But they had also made me apprehensive about actually contacting her about the coffee. So in the end, I didn’t. We exchanged a couple more texts, the last one last Christmas, and I suppose that was that. Now it’s been too long ago to make sense, she’ll have forgotten, I suppose, plus she also mentioned having stopped working as an escort, so I’m not sure she’d be interested in coffee with former clients at all now.
My point and question being: It could have been nice, it would have been just coffee. I had told her when we did “it” that these were exceptional circumstances and I’d not do that again. So, while I completely understand your concerns believe you, it still seems to me that both her and I missed out on a nice cup of coffee and a nice half an hour of conversation, when we both would have had time to get that coffee. If she wasn’t lying about her interest in meeting me again, that is. If she wasn’t being nice because she assumed additional business? And that was hard to tell. My friends made me suspicious, and given your post, I assume you agree with them. I understand that she would have expected to be paid for sex, but for coffee at her own suggestion?
I doubt I’ll be in that situation again, certainly not anytime soon, but just in case – under which circumstances would it be ok to think an escort actually would like to have a coffee with me (her not consider it either marketing or expect to be paid even if the coffee “date” happend at her own suggestion)?
Thanks!
Only if a sex worker takes the initiative of inviting you. You could then, if unsure about it being an invitation for another session, double-check to make sure there is no misunderstanding.
It is very rare, and the advice in this post applies to a vast overwhelming majority of situations, but it has happened. And given it’s rarity, and the huge numbers of people who try to get sex workers attention and time and energy for free, I’d say that a client should never take the first step. But the way you are describing it – “At the end, she gave me her private number (I assume) and said she’d like to hear from me, know how I was doing after the sex, and maybe go for a coffee or beer when I was back in town” – it sounds plausible. I left the business years ago but I did have occasional informal contact with some people when I was active, on my initiative. Yet I also know what it feels like to ward off all the unwanted invitations.
This comment reminded me not to take my GFE too far. I give burner numbers to clients after sessions and mention the possibility of a future meeting so hopefully they’ll book me again. I’m not this escort in question so I can’t say for sure what her intentions were, but maybe everyone involved needs to draw clearer boundaries.
Never get to comfortable with an escort we are basically actresses I could have the worst day of my life but go to work smiling because as soon as I leave my house to visit a client or go to my room my persona changes I am no longer Lila I am now glimmer and my problems at home stay there until I’m Lila again. And saying good bye to a client can sometimes get weird I never invite or even consider any unpaid dates with any of my clients not even a regular who will ask for discounts if they see me every so often. So what I say when I’m on my way out the door is I hope you had a great experience and hopefully I’ll hear from you next time you’re going to call an escort. Like I said above a lot of Sex workers do have partners and are in serious relationships.
Thank you for your information. I don’t know why it has always been so difficult for me to put into words the reality of the “opportunity cost” factor…as applied to this business, but you have got me thinking and moving.
I hope to hear from you again.
Dixie San Diego
Also to the people that expect to tell us what they are going to pay us is ridiculous you can’t go to a retail store and tell them how much you want to pay for something you pay the price that’s on the tag. Or to clients who think I should give discounts if they book me once a week, NO WAY. If you don’t book me someone else will, like it or not we don’t really need regular clients there are enough new people travelling through and staying places for a few days all year round that we’ll never lose your couple of hundred dollars. I do however give a 20 discount for multi hour bookings
i dont think clients realize we have lives away from prostitution that this is just a way of life a job i have been askes for dates dinner etc just not interested
Thank the lord for you. Two trillion times infinity correct in every fucking word from beginning to end of this article. I think I’ve read this before-years ago- but it never gets old.