I worked as a nanny, and in a daycare. (Twice! I worked in daycare twice!) Once, one of the Pre-K kids’ parents gave their five-year-old a laxative, no, I don’t know what they were thinking either, and I was called to remove the giant column of shit that ensued from the toilet. There was nothing else for it but to put on industrial size gloves and reach in and manually remove it.
So believe me when I tell you that I’ve dealt with a lot of literal shit in my day.
I dealt with it and moved on. And I thought that entering this new phase of my life as a hooker I would be leaving poverty and, with it, all the gross, sad things we deal with resentfully to stave off poverty behind. Like shit!
So you know the one thing I was not expecting to have to deal with as an adult, a very intelligent and charming and attractive paid companion for other adults?
Shit.
And yet, the amount of times I have ended up dealing with shit—left on sheets, left on fingers, left caked on ass hairs—well, I’m sure you get the idea.
And it’s not even just my clients!
There’s a very popular Tumblr post where this guy expresses regret about washing his butt with exfoliant instead of Dial and the girl he’s texting with is all,“You aren’t supposed to wash your butt with soap at all!” What. Don’t encourage this behavior!
Listen, fellas. The ass crack is not a vagina. You aren’t going to disturb its p.H.
I trained kids to wipe their butts. I remember being taught to wipe my own butt. I also remember my mom telling me to wash my butt when I was little.
What, then, happens between these very important childhood lessons and men’s adulthood?
Why is the idea that assholes don’t require consistent cleaning a common misapprehension among men?
I was with a guy a few weeks ago who wanted a prostate massage.
“Just showered!” he assured me.
I inserted a finger inside him and shivered; it felt suspiciously moist up there. (Before you say anything, I know I should have used gloves, but it was an outcall and I hadn’t thought to bring any—learning curve.) I carried gallantly on though because I had to do something to pass the time, and at least this wasn’t DFK.
He came and I pulled out a digit coated in a light, orangey brown substance. I gagged inaudibly and chirped that I needed to use the Ladies’. When I was done autoclaving myself, I reentered the room. He was now over by the window, and where he’d been lying was a light orangey brown streak.
“Is that you or me?” he asked cheerfully.
I smiled weakly. I hoped he would leave a big tip for the cleaners.
Wash your butt with hot or warm water. Use a soapy cloth. If you don’t wax your butthole, and have a lot of hair down there, please scrub around, and make sure nothing is clinging to those hairs. Consider beard clippers as a way to trim that growth down and avoid becoming that one client, saved in my phone as “The Dingleberry”.
After I looked down at The Dingleberry’s shit caked asshole, after I had steadied my breathing and sucked back defeated tears, I had a talk with him about showers. Showers became something we did as soon as he arrived, which led to a whole new set of surprises.
“Wow, that water is hot!” he whined. He agreed to get in once it was lukewarm. I followed him in reluctantly and picked up the soap.
“Oh! Let me do you!” He enthusiastically rubbed Dr. Bronner’s into my boobs. This boob massage went on for so long that I forced out a halfhearted “Tee hee! My turn!” and tried to get soap into his asscrack.
“I don’t like that!” he said petulantly.
And I don’t like having my face inches from your caked shit, I thought sourly, but there I’ll be, the way you’re carrying on.
It got to the point where I didn’t even try to get him into the shower, I just stopped seeing him. Showering carried the potential of moistening his dingleberries without actually removing them. I had visions of them smeared across my sheets. Much safer to keep them crusty and dry, I thought. And someone else’s problem.
Once you’re done washing your butt, wash the rest of you. Gargle with mouthwash. Make sure your nails aren’t talons. Rewash your butt, because I don’t trust you to have got it right the first time.
Also, put that cloth in the laundry. This whole thing is apparently such a foreign concept that I just want to walk you through it again, step by step: Use a clean cloth to wash your body with soap and hot or at least warm water; wash your butt crack thoroughly. If you’re planning on inviting me or something belonging to me into your butthole, please also get a little bit of that washcloth up in there (it doesn’t hurt, I promise) and give me a nice clean environment to work with. Once you’re done washing, put that cloth in the laundry and do not reuse it!
Furthermore—I wouldn’t think this needed saying, but for the horrifying number of men who think it’s cricket to try and put a finger in my ass and then into my pussy, or my mouth—we do not double dip. No, lads. Anything that has been in the asshole does not touch anything else until after it’s been washed.
I don’t even want you to do this for me, you guys. I want you to do it for all the people you ever have or ever will invite near your ass. I want you to do it for the hotel cleaning staff that have to pick up your skid marked bedding. I want you to do it for your moms, who taught you better.
I want you to do it for yourselves.
Make me proud.
Wash your ass.
Yesss yes yes yes! I blogged about a cluents who left a towel covered in skid marks on my computer chair at everyour session. I also had to listen to him blowing snot rockets in the bathroom, which kinda killed the “mood.”
What I get mostly, as a domme, are guys who want strapon but can’t be bothered to take a 5-minute Fleet enema before the session. How the hell is a man not paranoid of pooping on his partner? What is wrong with these guys? I understand trace amounts, obvs, it’s a natural biological function, but to do it and be totally unapologetic? UGH!
LOL !!
I send everyone who wants to do strap-on specific instructions on how to clean themselves and when to do it before our session. I also tell them “If we go there, and you are not clean, session is over”
They clean 😉
K
Thank you Red! Hilarious and sadly too true!!
This has brought back the horrors of my days from working in Ireland. Sweet Jesus! Grown men afraid of water!
Also I stopped being polite! I tell them wash and if upon inspection they haven’t done so, I will March them into the shower and supervise them washing, on their time! They squeak when they come out now.
OMFG YES!!!! I’m a worker who is pardon the pun anal about arse hygiene. If men expect my bum to be perfectly clean so they can finger me (and then try and stick those fingers elsewhere, grrrr UTIs) then they should be clean when i shove my toys or fingers in them. I always use gloves when I go anywhere near the bum and never let my gloved hand go onto anything but their arse.
I’m shuddering in recognition. The number of clients whose jocks have skid marks.. its so fucking repulsive. If i see that i stay & chat while they shower so its not a 10 second special.. or those that try & skip it! UGH! I hand the pump pack of soap & chirp “plenty round your junk sweety, now some pack there, you want to smell nice for me don’t you honey?”
While i’m thinking ‘you disgusting pig’..Generally in parlours we leave the room while they shower & we gather supplies, etc & booking time starts as we return to the room to a showered client. Given i have still have to leave to get stuff, Those dirty bastards have to wait longer as punishment for being fucking gross. But are wasting my time nonetheless..
Never in all my time screwing women, getting changed in close proximity or any other intimacy where i would be able to see have i seen shit skid marks. Yet industries are based around making us fear our healthy pussy juice or the terrible shame we may one day leak a drop of blood.
You’re right what does happen between childhood & adulthood for this revolting habit to be so common? I taught my kids ‘wipe til the paper is clean’ – wasn’t everyone?
Oh & if you’re ever without gloves stretch a condom over the hand up to wrist with your fingering digit (s) pointing will work in a pinch & offer knuckle protection too.
GENIUS god I WISH I had thought of that in time :/
So. Much. TRUTH. Omahgod.
Hysterical, and terrible. I can’t even imagine. Who ARE these guys? I would be so embarrassed if that were me. I can’t even begin to imagine. It’s like every childhood nightmare I ever had and these dudes are just cool with what is one step above shitting your pants?
For a moment, I thought my own cleanliness is just because I’m a guy who mostly like other guys and therefore butts, but these guys like butts too. Clean yo’ butt. It’s not even a sex thing. Jesus.
[…] While I have the self-confidence of Nefertiti, at times it’s incredibly hard for me to get $250. And for this, I don’t even engage much in the labor. Men are fuckin annoying. And I am tired of meeting up with so many of you that don’t know that soap, water and a wash cloth can also be used to clean your ass. But that’s another conversation altogether. […]