“The tension between love and money, in sex work, can be absolutely horrendous.”

Why is it that at the start of the relationship everything is always free and easygoing and as the relationship deepens one or both start to preoblematize the other’s lifestyle, habits, and sometimes even sources of income? Although my boyfriend was not a former client, he always knew about my work and just like with so many girls I’ve met in the business, at first everything is cool with the new guy, and then a few months later, drama ensues and there is the pressure to stop escorting, massaging, stripping, whatever. I feel punished for being honest. My co-workers always said I was naive for being so open to my boyfriend about what I do, but I could never live a double-life and be in a romantic relationship.

And like so many other women in the business, I quit because I didn’t want to lose him. I tell myself I did it for myself too, because I finally went out and found “proper” work that can I can slap on a CV, but after being out of the business for a few years now, I still have this stinging, guilty feeling that I allowed myself to be talked out of doing work that I was actually truly interested and invested in the whole time. I know I’ll go back at some point. It’s just somewhat sad that I’ll have to give up my relationship beforehand.

I still hope that maybe there are men out there who are capable of being in a gender-equal relationships with sex workers. It seems like sex worker boyfriend’s are generally either overblown alpha-male, abusive types or extremely submissive, cowardly types who are hard to take seriously as romantic partners.

That happened to me, and I sympathized with his feelings, feelings that I knew he couldn’t help. His feelings were natural. I wanted to quit, too, for our relationship. But I loved the great money I was making, and the power I felt in that scenario: the power of being in control.

When you fall in love, you’re out of control.

The tension between love and money, in sex work, can be absolutely horrendous.

I quit for a while, went broke, and he turned out to not be worth it (he said he was divorcing and would eventually move in, but he didn’t).

I fled him and went back to the money, and the wonderful sense of control.

I was hurt badly, however, and the memory relentlessly haunts me.

There are a few women I’ve known (like Norma Jean Almodovar) who had the luck to find lovers who can cheerfully accept what they do, and live with it in peace, even married. Such men must be gifts from the Goddess. Only such men can make it work. Other than pimps, who aren’t lovers but are users..they are probably very rare.