My first thought if someone told me that would be, “Oh my god, she was outed, and now I might be in danger of being outed too!” But maybe that’s my own particular paranoia and not something a client would think.

Yeah, I’m not sure how applicable that advice would be to an escort, but I figured it was worth throwing out there. For what it’s worth, I’ve successfully used the ‘we just don’t have the right *chemistry*’ excuse in my personal life as well, so it might be possible for the letter-writer to deploy it without ruining the fantasy that their relationship isn’t a professional one.

I don’t know a single pro Domme, pro sub, or pro switch who doesn’t say she’s into it in her personal life as well. Not all of us market ourselves explicitly as ‘lifestylers’, but if asked, that’s what we’ll tell clients. To be fair, I think most of us actually are lifestyle, especially those of us who are independent and have to make a significant financial investment in equipment + wardrobe. But most of us do lie about the extent of our kinks or the nature of them. There are SO. MANY. kinks + fetishes out there that clients want us to cater to, and they somehow expect us to be personally into all of them. As a way of getting around this, I actually use the line, “My pleasure in Domming doesn’t come from doing what I want and seizing control; it comes from getting inside your head and making you lose control of yourself.” Which… well, it’s not *entirely* a lie, I guess, just mostly a lie. See, like a good number of folks who pro-Domme, I’m actually almost entirely submissive in my personal life…. but when I do enjoy domming, that is the reason.

Oo, that’s a good idea. Though I know if I tried that with some of my clients, they would be like: “I think you owe me an explanation as to why.” Not that it changes the validity of your suggested email, or the validity of ignoring them saying something crappy like that, and not corresponding any further….

you should write about that topic!

as for sms, another tactic might be to just outright withhold your reasoning.

“I’ve realized it’s time for us to part ways. I’m not able to share my reasons with you right now but trust that I have enjoyed our time together and wish you well.”

dude can fill in the blank with whatever story he wants to come up with. if he’s the type to move on quickly and with some social grace, he wont overthink it. if he’s the ego-massager, he’ll assume you are so mad for him you were torn between your profession and love and had to just take space. if he’s the overprocessing, masochistic type he’ll think you hate him and he can get his melodrama kicks out of it. either way, let him work it out on his own.

I like that, that’s a really smart angle. I much prefer dealing with my domme-work clients around this sort of stuff, because it is way easier to frame it in terms of ‘professional compatibility” I think. I feel like my clients who see me in a domination context rather than a GFE one tend to be far less offended by and much more receptive to our time together being framed as professional sessions run by a skilled practitioner. In fact, they often seem to value that, whereas the full-service GFE clients want the fantasy without calling it a fantasy (or labour, for that matter). It’s a lot easier when you can just say “we’re not a great fit, sorry!” or “I just don’t specialize in sploshing” and then have everyone act like adults.

But I guess you’re talking about a slightly different spin, actually, because you’re talking about really milking the classic escort ‘I am my work, and my work isn’t work’ line, huh? I can see that being very effective in situations like the one facing SMS.

Do you think a lot of pro-switches in your circles push the “I’m a lifestyler as well as a pro” angle? It’s one I’ve always veered away from in my own pro-domme self-promotion, for some reason. I usually go for more of a “passionate, committed and experienced professional who loves her work” line. That’s still a spin, but I feel like it centres my worker status rather than using my personal interests or sexual identity as a selling point. I think that’s just where my boundary is in terms of compartmentalizing work/personal stuff, but I’m really interested in how other kink workers negotiate that line.

I’m a pro-switch, not an escort, so the kind of intimacy I provide is very different and the ‘our kinks just don’t align!’ excuse is a reliable go-to. I can’t help but wonder if you might be able to adapt that sort of line for yourself, especially if you market yourself in an equivalent to the I-REALLY-love-what-I-do way that most BDSM providers do. Say something along the lines of “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you and exploring with you, but as someone who values genuine connection in all my relationships, I have to say I just don’t feel like we have the right chemistry. I think you’d find you have a much more enjoyable time with my friend X.” Making it into an ‘us’ issue is more believable than making it into a ‘me’ issue and a lot more palatable than a ‘you’ issue.