Frost and Nixon. Cronkite and Thatcher. Amanpour and Arafat. O’Reilly and Obama. Today, Tits and Sass brings you what will certainly be remembered as another essential interview in the history of journalism. We all have met him. Every single one of us has been touched in a very special way by this storied individual. Who hasn’t wondered: What’s his side of the story? Now we’ll know. This is our exclusive interview with Sweat Pants Boner Man.
Or so most of the reports read. One ex-stripper nun and her emphatic interpretive dancing has caused the monastery at the Santa Croce in Gerusalemme, a basilica built around 325, to be shut down by Pope Benedict XVI. I see how her performances could be considered inappropriate. She does roll around on the ground, looking like she’s sliding into home with the cross. (What’s the protocol there? Do they have to burn it like a desecrated flag?) But, I have a hard time believing Sister Anna Nobili is the most scandalous thing to happen within the confines of Santa Croce in 1,686 years. We’re talking about the Catholic Church here. What does everyone think? I find her performances to be heartfelt and enthusiastic, albeit vaguely sexual in nature and not the most nunlike. Judge for yourselves.
Stephen Soderbergh, director of The Girlfriend Experience, is coming out of early retirement to make a movie about a male stripper. Mr. Soderbergh, meet Ms. Fey: you two are both certifiably Obsessed With Sex Workers! Welcome to the club.
Rwandan outreach workers explain “It was not an easy task to convince [sex workers] to abandon what they were doing and start this activity of collecting garbage from homes.”
There was a post going around the stripper tumblrsphere about what is probably one of the most common lap dance rejections of all time:
“I would love to but I just don’t think I could control myself.”
It’s the perfect way for customers to say no; phrased as a compliment (of sorts), it expresses interest and desire, encouraging the dancer to continue her attempts to sell and thus give the customer more attention without him committing to anything. They usually deliver this excuse with a cute smile, like it’s a joke.
I recognize that they are trying to be charming—even trying to compliment me on my attractiveness!—but it’s so hard to bite my tongue and not ask, “In what world is having less self control than my chihuahua something you want to admit to?” If I’m having a good enough night and don’t need the money or energy, if I really can’t stop myself from beginning a profitless (literally and figuratively!) interaction, I’ll try to answer in a way that highlights what a stupid, embarrassing, insulting and creepy thing that is to say.
“Oh, you’re an adult, I’m sure we’ll be fine. I mean you’ve gotten this far in life!”
“No, no, you’re too hot, I wouldn’t be able to help myself.” This response is accompanied by a sad, regretful face. It is my fault that my sex appeal will make them lose control.
In the city that has so many sexually oriented businesses that it’s known as “Pornland, Whoregon,” we asked a handful of dancers what they’d like to strive for in 2013. To find an upcycled brass pole for the house? To save up for that tattoo of a zombie bacon cupcake with a mustache?
It turns out that the stripsters of Portland want the same things that strippers everywhere want: to drink less soda and tell more lies. You’re welcome to share your own work and/or personal resolutions in the comments section.
“I want to be more positive and spend more time appreciating what life has given me.” —Oasis, Mystic
“I will publish my first book and be on a cover of a tattoo magazine!” —Elle, Lucky Devil
“This year I think I’d like to start an intense savings plan, commit to a more healthy lifestyle, and take a tour of the east coast—visit all the historical sites and whatnot.” —Juniper, Lucky Devil
“I’m going to give myself a breast self-exam once a month and walk my dog more.” —Caprice, Golden Dragon
“I’m going to keep putting cash before ass (but hopefully get some action sometime before 2014), travel dance, finish my stripper comic, and get into grad school.” —Red, Casa Diablo
“I’d like to quite drinking soda… not the most exciting but that’s it.” —Gabriela, Lucky Devil
“First is taking more time to let my creative side run wild and second, I am going to snail mail five handwritten, heartfelt letters to people who positively affect my life.” —Holladay, Pirate’s Cove
“[Mine are] to read all my favorite classics again, to be more consistent with practicing yoga, and to have more eye contact with customers once my clothes come off on stage.” —Natalia, Dolphin II
“I’m not going to give out as much personal info at work and lie more.” —Holland, Exotica International
