Fuck You Songs

suck my left one embroidered patch by nastynasty on etsy

suck my left one embroidered patch by nastynasty on etsy

Celebrate, strippers, for January is over. Traditionally the worst month of the year in the club (with the semi-exception of Vegas during CES and AVN), we wave goodbye to it with one lone finger raised high and look forward to the uptick in business that comes with February.

When the club is dead, or worse, packed full of guys who aren’t spending money, it’s good to blow off steam instead of getting frustrated and frantic. You want to hold on to a semblance of a good attitude in case that one awesome customer who can save your night walks in the door. Or maybe you just want to tell everyone to fuck off and quit looking at you for free. Either way, it’s great to have a list of FUCK YOU SONGS, the ones you dance to when you’re all out of fuck-giving and are more interested in amusing yourself than entertaining the crowd. Jesus, some of those dudes act like it’s our JOB to entertain them.

Here, then, are my five all-time favorite Fuck You Songs, selected for maximum audience alienation and personal enjoyment. They’re all good genuine fun to dance to and the crowd (and possibly your DJ, fellow dancers, and managers) probably won’t like them.*

Wire, “I Am The Fly”

The metallic, buzzing guitars on “I Am The Fly” are guaranteed to set most customers on edge. Maybe they’ll even be unfortunate enough to pay attention to the lyrics (“I can spread more disease than the fleas/Which nibble away at your window display”). The just-off timing of the vocals keeps it from settling into a steady rhythm, but to me, the whole of all these little discomforts is a near-perfect groove. [READ MORE]

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Any stripper worth her tear-away schoolgirl skirt can stage-dance to “(She’s) Sexy + 17” by the Stray Cats and make a few bucks. It’s not hard: the music is an irresistible anthem to statutory rape. If your audience is full of dudes in Ed Hardy shirts with brand new tattoos (or if you’re working in Portland, Ore., which may be redundant), toss it on and vacuum up the money with my blessings.* It doesn’t matter how old you are, because it’s not about you—it’s about your customers’ fond memories of hot high school girls they wished they’d fucked 20 years ago. Spin to win, Dancing Queen (and if the stage-lighting’s bad, slap a little Dermablend on that C-section scar before you go up).

There are certain hero tracks that nearly any stripper can make money to.  You’ve probably got a go-to list of your own. “Closer,” by Nine Inch Nails, “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” by The Revolting Cocks, that annoying singing monks song by Enigma, anything by Portishead or Sade—they work because they work, and if you’re there to make money, those classic tracks are your friends. I’m not here to cast aspersions on “Erotic City” (Prince) or “Fade Into You” (Mazzy Star). I’ve danced to them on many occasions myself. They’re decent moneymakers and most DJs have them at their fingertips in case you’ve shown up to your shift late without your CD. These songs are a stripper’s meat and potatoes.

But sometimes the house just hates you no matter what you’re dancing to. Maybe it’s your look: in a houseful of tiny blondes, you’re a chubby brunette. Or maybe you’re a woman of color, or an older dancer, or heavily tattooed, or maybe you just aren’t good at extinguishing that spark of intelligence in your eyes that’s anathema to customers who need to feel a sense of intellectual superiority in order to get their dicks hard. In any case you’re not what they’re looking for, and they’re determined to punish you for failing to meet their needs as consumers. [READ MORE]

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