Stripper Music Monday: Sarah Katherine Lewis’ Top Five “Fuck You” Songs

by Sarah Katherine Lewis on September 12, 2011 · 49 comments

in Naked Music Monday

Any stripper worth her tear-away schoolgirl skirt can stage-dance to “(She’s) Sexy + 17” by the Stray Cats and make a few bucks. It’s not hard: the music is an irresistible anthem to statutory rape. If your audience is full of dudes in Ed Hardy shirts with brand new tattoos (or if you’re working in Portland, Ore., which may be redundant), toss it on and vacuum up the money with my blessings.* It doesn’t matter how old you are, because it’s not about you—it’s about your customers’ fond memories of hot high school girls they wished they’d fucked 20 years ago. Spin to win, Dancing Queen (and if the stage-lighting’s bad, slap a little Dermablend on that C-section scar before you go up).

There are certain hero tracks that nearly any stripper can make money to.  You’ve probably got a go-to list of your own. “Closer,” by Nine Inch Nails, “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” by The Revolting Cocks, that annoying singing monks song by Enigma, anything by Portishead or Sade—they work because they work, and if you’re there to make money, those classic tracks are your friends. I’m not here to cast aspersions on “Erotic City” (Prince) or “Fade Into You” (Mazzy Star). I’ve danced to them on many occasions myself. They’re decent moneymakers and most DJs have them at their fingertips in case you’ve shown up to your shift late without your CD. These songs are a stripper’s meat and potatoes.

But sometimes the house just hates you no matter what you’re dancing to. Maybe it’s your look: in a houseful of tiny blondes, you’re a chubby brunette. Or maybe you’re a woman of color, or an older dancer, or heavily tattooed, or maybe you just aren’t good at extinguishing that spark of intelligence in your eyes that’s anathema to customers who need to feel a sense of intellectual superiority in order to get their dicks hard. In any case you’re not what they’re looking for, and they’re determined to punish you for failing to meet their needs as consumers.

In those circumstances, it’s best to consider yourself a performance artist and to measure your success in customer outrage, not in folded dollar bills. A hostile crowd of non-tippers can be intimidating, but you can’t let them win. If your goal is to flip the bird to a contemptuous audience, look no further than the following list of my top five fuck-you songs.

1. “Crazy Train,” by Ozzy Osbourne.  Dancing on Bourbon Street is like flipping through an issue of “Playboy”—you’ve never seen so many tiny, tanned blondes in one place, and the customer service is delivered without a shred of irony. At the Sho-Bar, I shared the stage with women literally half my size who flitted up and down the pole like pretty little wood-sprites. While some customers loved me, occasionally the house would skew toward drunk 20-something frat boys, a demographic not noted for their appreciation of my kind of beauty.

When I was in a particularly sour mood, I’d pull out “Crazy Train.” Instead of dancing, I did frantic calisthenics—push-ups, jumping jacks, lunges, and crunches. I ran in place then turned around to squeeze my butt cheeks together in time with the music. I’d exercise ’til I panted, often running off stage, waiting for the next chorus, then running back on triumphantly with my arms raised, “Chariots of Fire”-style. One night I even took to the floor and did the running-in-a-circle thing like Curly from the Three Stooges.

2.  “The HIV Song,” by Ween.  Most strip club customers don’t like to be reminded about sexually transmitted disease, especially by a song that sounds like fucked-up carnival music.

3. “Jawohl Asshole,” by Life, Sex & Death.  It’s hard to goose-step in seven-inch heels, but sometimes you just gotta. Sieg heiling has never been so sexy! “How many times did you receive punishment, but commit no crime?” stutters caterwauling lead-singer Stanley. Best to freeze while pointing at the audience accusingly during this line. HOW MANY TIMES INDEED, SIRS.

4.  “Theme from Star Wars:  Imperial March, ” composed by John Williams.  The cool thing about this is that after getting ice thrown at me onstage by a group of dudes in Metairie who didn’t cotton to my sense of dramatic spectacle, I did six private dances in a row for a rabid Star Wars fan who thought I was hotter than Leia in her metal bikini. Usually, though, this track’s just a good one for looming around and kicking over people’s drinks.

5.  “Home Sweet Home,” by Motley Crue.  You know those little China Doll wigs that everyone was wearing for a while? Were you aware that if you turn the wig around backwards so the short part sits right over your forehead, the wig turns into a pretty convincing mullet? It’s true. Business in front, party in the rear, dudes! I like to bring a lighter for the piano outro—if I can make it onstage til the outro. Also, please note: a chick doing air-guitar is like a million boots stomping on a million boners at once.

If you’re not making money, you should at least be having fun. And what’s more fun that torturing the unappreciative mooks that should be ejaculating 20 dollar bills all over themselves just for the privilege of seeing your hot ass in a thong? If they don’t appreciate your hard work, at the very least they can amuse you. Revenge = priceless.


See also pretty much any track by Billy Idol, who also seems to have a lot to say about underage lovin’.

{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }

Nova September 12, 2011 at 7:18 pm

God this post just made me so happy. There have been a ot of slow nights lately and I have been enjoying a good ole “fuck you” onstage. Glad to see its so heavily supported!

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Sarah September 12, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Rock on, sis…f*ck ’em if they can’t take a joke. 🙂

xoxo

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Kat September 12, 2011 at 7:21 pm

I love this. I’m trying to think of my personal “Fuck You” songs. One time I danced to Amebix to get a group of people to leave. They cleared out and and I felt like it was Kat 1, drunk douches and their girlfriends 0.

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Sarah September 12, 2011 at 7:32 pm

HAHAHAHAHAHA…you rule.

xoxo

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Sandria.D September 12, 2011 at 8:33 pm

I have eclectic taste in music & when my inner hater rears her ugly head at cheap ass people I gift them with these precious Gems of sound.
1. Gil Scott Heron’s “The Revolution will not be televised” I’m black & this song is all about black power. Yeah motherfuckers!
2. TSOL’s “Code Blue” I love this band & this song is perfect for getting that disgusted look on someone’s face. Or lustful….Nasty.
3. G.G Allin’s “Abuse myself I wanna die” Anything by G.G will get you paid or scare the shit out of people so much they’ll stay away from you all night.
Enjoy!

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sarah September 13, 2011 at 9:25 am

You scare me in such a good way. Code Blue? Oh, I’d be maxing out my daily ATM limit on you.

xoxox

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mumtaza September 16, 2011 at 6:39 am

Gil Scott Heron would be such a turn on. I’d fucking lose it and geek out at the tip rail. Why not also “Whitey’s on the moon.”?

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Will September 12, 2011 at 8:49 pm

No honorable mention for Trouser Minnow?

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sarah September 13, 2011 at 9:24 am

Youtube link or it didn’t happen. 🙂

xoxox

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Elle September 12, 2011 at 10:33 pm

Anything by Wesley WIllis.

I’ll never forget the look of everyone’s faces as I laughed hysterically to “Cut the Mullet”, on my birthday shift last year.

(12 Jager shots deep, also)

Fuck it, I’d do it sober too.

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sarah September 13, 2011 at 9:19 am

12 Jaeger shots??? You should’ve been getting tipped just for remaining upright!

xoxox

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Aimee September 13, 2011 at 1:38 am

Down in Eugene we used to play this when cheap assholes filled up the club: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqXi8WmQ_WM

It got to the point where every girl working (that’s 15+ on weekends) would be singing along, the girl on stage would be doing the dance, and every customer would have a stupid “I don’t understand” expression.

Priceless.

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sarah September 13, 2011 at 9:22 am

Thanks…now I’m going to my straight office job with this on perma-rotation in my head.

Do you know who first played this song for me? MY MOM. I’m totally not even kidding.

xoxo

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Emma September 15, 2011 at 4:19 pm

OMG I love rocking this song out. The guys at my club have NO sense of humor, but for some reason it does make them tip. I think it’s just the word genitals being repeated over and over. 😀

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sarah September 17, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Genitalia!

xoxox

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JUDITH STEIN October 11, 2011 at 11:25 pm

AIMEE,
JUST FOUND THIS SITE AND THERE YOU WERE…EUGENE OREGON
WHERE I GOT MY START IN BURLESQUE IN 1975…PROBABLY BEFORE YOU WERE BORN!BUT HAPPY TO KNOW EUGENE DANCERS ARE STILL STRONG AND SMART!!BEST OF EVERYTHING TO YOU AND THE GIRLS OF EUGENE
MS JUDITH STEIN
CANADA,S LEGEND OF BURLESQUE
COME VISIT ME ON FACEBOOK!!!

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Of many names... September 13, 2011 at 4:16 am

Hah! Love it! My personal favorites are Detachable Penis, and, for when I’m pissed off but still have a vain hope of possibly making money, Combichrist’s “What The Fuck Is Wrong With You People” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26AK2BgnDt0)

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sarah September 13, 2011 at 9:23 am

I’ve done “Happy Fcuking Birthday” to Combichrist, but your cut is better.

xoxoxox

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Of many names... September 16, 2011 at 7:52 pm

Combichrist just generally works surprisingly well for a lot of titty bar situations.

When I’m in a good mood and want to dance to hard stuff, I pair Red (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMX65TvWIoI) with White Zombie’s “Blood Milk And Sky.” Always a winner.

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ariel September 13, 2011 at 11:15 am

hah, how about: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iof5pRAIZmw
bonus points if you tell non-tipping customers to “go home and be a family man”.

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Sarah Katherine Lewis September 13, 2011 at 12:34 pm

LOL!

xoxox

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Sarah Katherine Lewis September 13, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Drunk Goggles = a stripper’s best friend. Yay for alcohol!

xoxoxox

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Holly September 13, 2011 at 3:02 pm

It would be SO cathartic to hear G.G. Alin or Wesley Willis at my club. As it is, they won’t even play Portishead. Poor San Francisco…

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sarah September 13, 2011 at 8:25 pm

WTF? NO PORTISHEAD??? That’s half my Lazy, On My Period, or Way High on Painkillers set right there!

Weak sauce.

xoxoxo

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mumtaza September 16, 2011 at 6:48 am

“Way high on painkillers set” Hahahaha!

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Sheila September 13, 2011 at 4:15 pm

I so approve of this post.

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sarah September 13, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Thank you, sis. 🙂

xoxox

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Violet September 13, 2011 at 8:14 pm

God, I wish there was some equally cocky way for escorts to get back at jerk-off clients. I mean, aside from calling them and leaving three minutes of Jon LaJoie on their voicemail.

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sarah September 13, 2011 at 8:26 pm

When I worked at various jack shacks I used to point their cocks at their own faces, aiming for their eyes. 🙂

xoxoxoxoxoxox

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DD September 14, 2011 at 1:41 am

My contribution to the “Fuck You” douchebag customer list:

Korn “System”
http://youtu.be/GjQUhA0U37U

I mean, “Why Won’t you die”? Just Poetry!

I can’t believe no one has mentioned “No Scrubs” by TLC
http://youtu.be/Av7m_Pgt1S8

PS
I love this post.

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sarah September 14, 2011 at 9:14 am

http://youtu.be/boX2bqppQ_w

“Short Dick Man” by 20 Fingers. Please note that I have a big butt but am clinically low in funk, so I can’t really dance to anything rappy or hip-hoppy. HOWEVAH, if you can, I say bring on the custie torture!

xoxox

PS Korn…LOL

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mumtaza September 16, 2011 at 6:55 am

My favorite part of this post is you running in place and then turning around and squeezing your butt cheeks in time with the music. This is some of the funniest shit I’ve ever read. I have done the frantic calisthenics angle. They never see it coming and sometimes it may hit some sort of 80’s Jane Fonda kink nerve.

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sarah September 17, 2011 at 12:34 pm

One of the particular ways sex workers fight back against asshole customers, I’ve found, is by giving them WAY, WAY TOO MUCH of what they’re asking for. So as the only fat girl in a club full of skinny women, I often had to contend with the whole “you’re not hot because you’re too fat” thing.

The aerobics came out of my response: So okay, you’re not into me cause I’m too big? Wait, wait! See! I’m losing weight for you! I’m really trying! See, I’m doing jumping jacks! etc.

I liked taking their negative judgment and attempting to “fix” it by frantic exercise, all played out onstage where they were forced to watch the results.

xoxoxoxox

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D September 18, 2011 at 8:08 am

fucking amazing. the explanations made me laugh a bit or more.

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Jaeleen September 18, 2011 at 10:49 am

This made me smile this morning ~ you’re one of my favorite writers!

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sarah September 18, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Eeeeek! Thank you!!!!!

xoxoxox

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Piper September 19, 2011 at 1:10 am

One of the best Music Mondays yet!

“Short Dick Man” is reserved at the home club for bachelor/birthday sacrifices, which is almost too bad.

A coworker used to just break out all of the cheesiest N*SYNC, Backstreet Boys, and 98 Degrees she could find when people were being cheap. Finding the lamest music ever doesn’t hurt the cause, either. Many times, the girl that always followed her would do the same. It’s a good way to weed out the 18-35 year olds.

One club I used to work for plays Dorrough’s “Get Big” when the crowd is cheap. It always made me laugh. I enjoy listening to it–and, admittedly, belting out the lyrics myself within earshot of as many customers as I can–on a shitty night.

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Piper September 19, 2011 at 2:00 am

Oh god. I forgot “At a Medium Pace” (Adam Sandler): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLm5oSJRxIU

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sarah September 22, 2011 at 10:18 pm

ADAM SANDLER. You are brilliant.

xoxoxoxoxo

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Piper September 19, 2011 at 2:25 am

I swear I’m done after this (ek…three posts, sorry!). But I feel strongly that this cannot be left out of the revenge playlist.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzUPG8olnO0&feature=relmfu

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Catherine September 22, 2011 at 9:54 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Je8K_hCej3s

I like this song, especially when E40 says: “You got to pay me, or pay me no never mind!”

The radio edit is “trick” instead of “bitch,” obviously way better.

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sarah September 22, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Me dancing to any kind of rap or hiphop is pretty much its own punchline anyway…but this is so good.

xoxoxoxoxoxox

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Catherine September 25, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Here we go! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEfloxw11tM

I don’t think I could dance to it either, I just like singing it in my head. 🙂

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Susan September 24, 2011 at 4:00 am

Girl you are too funny, when I used to dance I would I had about three disc worth of songs to de-bonner a cheap-ass crowd. Needless to say I totally know where you are coming from.

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sarah September 24, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Three discs! Right on! You were like the boner Angel of Death!

xoxoxo

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NotAStripperBut... October 3, 2011 at 2:35 am

There’s this 80’s anthem by Dean and the Weenies: http://youtu.be/Dn4vkSH6Og8

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Gia October 6, 2011 at 9:16 pm

When I danced at Hustler Barely Legal in NOLA in the early oughts, the DJ used to announce going home time by playing Karen Finley’s “Yam Jam.” (The lyrics don’t start til :41 on this YouTube of it.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-pR75GLZzw

Also, fwiw, I started at Sho Bar in 2002/3 and my experience was totally the opposite. It was a crappy club full of sort of misfit-toy dancers – lots of bigger girls, heavy tattoos, scars etc and we had to pick our music off a jukebox in the dressing room that was stocked by weird dancers with eclectic taste. I played a lot of Cheap Trick and Nick Cave. No idea what it’s like since Katrina, though – Sho Bar is now called Stilettos and the whole street, which used to be indie, creepy and weird is overrun by Hustler/Rick’s/Deja Vu/Scores properties.

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sarah October 9, 2011 at 1:28 pm

GIA–I worked at the Sho Bar the same year/s you did. I was a chubby blonde girl, heavily tattooed, dancing under the name of Rose. Did you know me???

Oh how I miss the old, weird Sho Bar. I worked at Barely Legal for a few months but totally hated it–now I’m in Los Angeles, missing New Orleans every minute of every day.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

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Jon July 15, 2012 at 8:46 pm

I think I’ve heard at least half these songs to the countless bachelor parties I’ve been to.

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