Stripper Music Monday: For When They Want To Watch Other Men’s Balls

It’s that time of year again — the part of the year that I playfully refer to as sports season. For the next few weeks we’ll see an orgy of American sports converge — professional football, college football, preseason basketball, hockey, and of course, the World Series.

Any stripper will tell you that it’s definitely challenging  to sell a lap dance when The Big Game is on. The Big Game is like lap dance kryptonite. Sure, you might be standing there in a tiny little spandex outfit but the men on the big screen are also wearing spandex and, well, one must prioritize their spandex preferences.

Get in line, sister.

Stage time during The Big Game is an exercise in patience and creativity. Getting those eyes to avert from the televisions and towards you – the exquisite, masterful vixen that you are – will take some work.

I’ve worked through the Major League Baseball All-Star Game, the Superbowl, the Ryder Cup, Wrestlemania, a few Stanley Cups and even the World Series. I learned through trial and error that it takes a little more effort than usual to get noticed.

First, you need to remind the men why they’re there (not safe for work, friends).

Ok, hopefully you’ve gotten their attention. Now it’s time to get weird. Do a handstand, clack your heels, moonwalk around the pole, do the cabbage patch or walk like an Egyptian. Don’t forget to yell, “LOOK AT ME! I JUST TOOK MY TOP OFF!”

Finally, offer them some instruction.

If that doesn’t work, screw it! Nobody’s looking anyway. Practice the Turbo Hustle!