Celebrate, strippers, for January is over. Traditionally the worst month of the year in the club (with the semi-exception of Vegas during CES and AVN), we wave goodbye to it with one lone finger raised high and look forward to the uptick in business that comes with February.
When the club is dead, or worse, packed full of guys who aren’t spending money, it’s good to blow off steam instead of getting frustrated and frantic. You want to hold on to a semblance of a good attitude in case that one awesome customer who can save your night walks in the door. Or maybe you just want to tell everyone to fuck off and quit looking at you for free. Either way, it’s great to have a list of FUCK YOU SONGS, the ones you dance to when you’re all out of fuck-giving and are more interested in amusing yourself than entertaining the crowd. Jesus, some of those dudes act like it’s our JOB to entertain them.
Here, then, are my five all-time favorite Fuck You Songs, selected for maximum audience alienation and personal enjoyment. They’re all good genuine fun to dance to and the crowd (and possibly your DJ, fellow dancers, and managers) probably won’t like them.*
Wire, “I Am The Fly”
The metallic, buzzing guitars on “I Am The Fly” are guaranteed to set most customers on edge. Maybe they’ll even be unfortunate enough to pay attention to the lyrics (“I can spread more disease than the fleas/Which nibble away at your window display”). The just-off timing of the vocals keeps it from settling into a steady rhythm, but to me, the whole of all these little discomforts is a near-perfect groove.
Einstürzende Neubauten, “Yü Gung”
Every stripper should have a favorite industrial song sung in German that isn’t by Rammstein. This 1985 remix of “Yü Gung,” by Adrian Sherwood, is my pick. Although I have an edit that’s four minutes long, because if the DJ also is in a “fuck it” mood and goes outside to get high, I don’t want to be up there for seven and a half minutes. Surprisingly, not one customer or dancer has ever approached the stage to flash me a Neubauten tattoo.
“So you want to be entertained?
Please look away (don’t look away)
We’re not here ’cause we want to entertain
Please go away (don’t go away)“
Also, those drums.
Avenue D, “Do I Look Like A Slut?”
Is there a table full of women in your club pointing and giggling? Did they stiff the waitress? Do they refuse to tip the stages and try to give drunken sloppy lapdances to the (male) customers? Play this song! It’s a great “fuck you, chicks” anthem. Want to talk shit about us? So what?
The Monks, “I Hate You”
*Will not read as Fuck You Songs in Portland, OR; for that, go counterintuitive with Nickelback or Kid Rock.
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