Dressing slutty in public loses its novelty really fast when you have a dozen pairs of platform heels—made by Pleaser or Ellie, not Jessica Simpson—in your closet. So, for strippers, Halloween isn’t some once-a-year opportunity to slut it up. It’s a once-a-year opportunity to judge other women for dressing slutty, and the stupid costumes that are sexified!
But hey, you’re only young once, and if you don’t get to work off that excess sexual energy at, uh, work, have fun on the one night of the year it’s totally OK to wear underwear in public. I have nothing to say about how Slutty Halloween is a symptom of the decline of the culture or whatnot because I am OLD and I remember my mom and her friends dressing slutty for Halloween back in the 80s for crying out loud. Not a new thing.
But that doesn’t mean that everything needs to be turned into a fucking Sexy (Blank) Costume. Is nothing sacred? No. Nothing is sacred. Here are the costumes that made me click. I had to suffer for this post, and now it’s your turn. Remember, I’m a career stripper, and I’m passing judgment on these costumes, so you know they’re special. I myself will be taking my costuming cues from this piece. Or continuing to work on my Sexy Binder Full of Wom(a)n costume.
Sexy Meme! I’m saddened there is no branded Sexy Breaded Cat costume, but you all can have that idea FOR FREE. There should really be a Sexy Maru; wear a fur bikini, cat ears, and a series of smaller and smaller boxes on your body.
Naturally. Because the Giraffe is truly the sexiest of the quadrapeds. Attach a branch to the neckpiece that dangles tasty leaves just out of reach of your mouth for added realism.
Which beauty pageant toddler is this supposed to be? Eden Wood? Honey Boo Boo? JonBenet Ramsey? None of them is a good answer! [Note: Sexy Jerry Sandusky costume available for men.]
This actually might be genius, because it’s honestly frightening. I keep picturing Tig from Sons of Anarchy looking at this and saying “I’m terrified, but also totally erect.”
These make sense, because Tootsie Roll Pops and Blow Pops are totally the slutty kinds of candy. Everyone knows that.
I guess this is the only DJ visually branded enough for a costume, but I would love to see someone’s Sexy Steve Aoki or Sexy David Guetta costume. Sexy James Murphy!
When I was taken to see Gremlins, I ran out of the theater in sheer terror, so this is especially hard to stomach. And I must ask, why no Sexy E.T.?