I’ve been trying to make sense of Ashton Kutcher’s recent twitter feed. After the Village Voice article came out on Friday, he just started firing off tweets that sounded a lot like how an upset tween would respond if #killjustinbieber was trending, and not so much like the CEO of a nonprofit. I’ve been doing a lot of head shaking and sighing after reading statements like, “The cry of a company waking up to it’s [sic] failure will never be as loud as the tears shed by girls trafficked on its platform.” Where to start? Isn’t this a little bit… really gross and unnecessary? He may as well tweet about the blood of 100,000 to 300,000 hymens.
How about, “No response @villagevoice? Oh I forgot U work business hours. Maybe that’s Y you sell girls on ur platform. they tend 2work the night shift”? First of all, I think I have to give up using sic now. Next, he does realize that “sex slaves” don’t have set hours, right? I know that he’s not getting his information from Law & Order: Special Victims Unit because even they have plots involving boys, and they also never mention anything about shifts. I’m guessing that most sex slaves are more on call than anything.
I would like to think that I would be really careful with what I tweeted if I had over seven million followers. I don’t think I would have two tweets about Nepal’s Stolen Children right next a tweet linking to a dude C-walking in a diaper (and a blue handkerchief). Something seems weird about giving these things equal weight, and it’s weirder still to share anything related to the Crips, considering his position. Like, what does he think Crips do? They don’t just dance around all day.
I continued scrolling and saw something that seemed a little better: “#realmen & #realwomen don’t just talk, they take action 2 fight Child Sex Slavery: see our action tab on Fb.” This was the first time I had heard him mention “real women” and ooh, an action tab! That sounded like something that you physically tear off in order to make something else happen. I followed the link. “3 Steps to End Child Slavery,” it said.
Step number one: Make & Share a Real Man Video. Since I’m not a real man, I felt exempt from this step and like I could jump to number two. But, I did take the time to check out some of the homemade Real Man videos.
I encountered a have a man with an acoustic guitar singing an original song entitled “Little Girl.” I couldn’t stomach the entire video, but here are the opening lyrics: “I was nine years old/ school was out and I was walking home/ out of nowhere came this man/ and my life was never the same again. He took me in his car/ and said that I would be his little star. Then he pulled up my dress/ and he said ‘just forget the rest.’” We also have the mildly autistic arm wrestler showing us how he trains, and then holding up a homemade “Real Men Don’t Buy Girls” sign and sticking his tongue out. There’s a woman who did her share by writing “Real Men Don’t Buy Girls” on her body with a Sharpie and a very Buffalo Bill-esque foreign man dancing in school girl drag, among other videos.
Because I don’t have anything nice to say, let’s move on to step number two: End Sex Slavery on the Internet. Okay, here we go, flag any suspicious posts on Craigslist and/or Backpage. But wait, there is no list of the kind of things that qualify as “suspicious.” If the user-submitted videos are any indication, the average person who likes the DNA Foundation is probably going to need a little more guidance here. They’re just going to report free aquariums and needed upholsterers if left on their own, and that’s the best case scenario. Worst case scenario, someone is going to die shooting a real men take their own baths video before they can even flag labradoodle puppies.
Finally, step number 3: Donate & Buy the T-Shirt. I’m actually going to argue that this step requires the most thought and effort out of the entire three-part child slavery ending process. This is because you actually have to take the time to pick a shirt, select your size, enter your debit card information, and fill out your address. There’s also something about the main t-shirt that’s vaguely… I don’t know, sexist? Christian? Etsy-ish? I can’t quite put my finger on it.
Further down Ashton’s twitter feed, past announcements regarding his A-plus app, his hanging with the Winkelvoss twins, an impromptu trip to Brazil, we have some tweets kissing Charlie Sheen’s ass over the honor of replacing him in Two and a Half Men. Charlie Sheen, really? I actually think I’d actually feel more comfortable going on a date with a pimp.
Welp, it doesn’t look like American Airlines or Domino’s Pizza have pulled their ads from The Village Voice, despite Ashton’s public twitter bullying. But, I am fully prepared to make the sacrifice of never flying on American Airlines or eating Domino’s Pizza again. And no, that’s not because Domino’s are pro-life or because they always give me diarrhea anyway. It’s because I hate you, @aplusk.