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Portland Strippies Tonight

Photo by Happy Robot Photography/Kyle Helstein

It’s that time of year! No, not Christmas. ‘Tis the season of The Strippies, Portland’s only exotic dancer awards show based entirely upon votes by industry workers and fans! I took a moment to speak with one of the co-creators, former dancer Hezzy Tayte, about this year’s show.

What are some of the major differences between this year and the prior two years?

We’re changing up a lot of the voting rules this time. Our main goal is to make things as fair as we can. First of all, you can only win a maximum of two categories. This time nominations will be voted on by the public, but the winners will be decided by a secret panel of judges, who will be revealed at the show. The exception is the Stripper of the Year award. The three nominees will perform at the show and the winner will be decided by a live vote, which we did the first year.

What are some of the new categories?

We’re adding the Golden OG award this year. Two dancers will be chosen to be inducted into the Stripper Hall of Fame each year.

Who will you have performing?

The show will be hosted by me and Ed Forman. We’ll have Ozzy, Remmington Reignz, and Holladay performing, who all won awards last year, as well as the three nominees for Stripper of the Year, and some special surprise guests. We’ll also have a fashion show to kick things off and the big screen debut of the Shit Strippers Say videos.

What have been some of the challenges in creating this awards show?

It’s challenging to keep things fair. We started the show because we wanted there to be a competition free from strip club politics and bought votes. We really want girls from every club to be represented and have a shot at winning. But mostly it’s getting all those drunk people on stage at the right time. It’s like wrangling cats! Except sexier!

The Third Annual PDX Strippies are tonight at Star Theater. Online tickets here. Find more Strippies on Facebook and twitter

Blond Leading the Blind: How To Go On A First Date Like A Stripper

You’ve met someone. Ask him if he has a business card (so you can google that shit and make sure he doesn’t have a wife…or worse, a LinkedIn profile). When he asks for your number, just give him your email address and explain that you have a smart phone so it’s basically the same thing as calling you. Pretend not to hear him if he tries to point out that it’s not the same thing at all. Shake his hand to see what kind of handshake he has. Then use some hand sanitizer because he could have been masturbating or doing that tucking-his-boner-into-the-waist-of-his-pants-thing in the bathroom. Offer him some so that you don’t hurt his feelings.

The Greatest Strip Club Song Of All Time: Hip Hop/R&B and Dance/Pop Regions

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It’s too bad that the Rick’s Stripper Basketball League never actually happened.

Our contribution to March Madness is this quest to determine The Greatest Strip Club Song Of All Time. The four regions are Rock, Dance and Pop, Hip Hop and R&B, and Classics. The songs, just like the teams in the NCAA tournament, are seeded 1-16. Here is the full bracket.

You will decide the winner. Voting is open to all, starting with the opening rounds today. If you somehow aren’t familiar with any of these songs, here is a Spotify playlist that has nearly all of them (save the Harry Pussy placeholder since Prince’s “Pussy Control” isn’t available).

Today we’ll start with the Hip Hop/R&B region. You’ll notice it’s probably the toughest region to get out of, loaded as it is with sex jams and make it rain anthems. The 1 seed is Ginuwine’s “Pony,” of course, but it was a tough call as Fat Joe and Lil Wayne essentially defined current strip club imagery with “Make It Rain.”

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I’m just a bachelor who made one of the best R&B stripper jams of all time.

Malice in La-La Land

You may know her as Portland’s famous stripper, that MySpace celebrity, the anonymous Wikipedia alternative model, or the Wendy O-looking lady who’s always walking her miniature pinschers. I can’t tell you how many times people have insisted on telling me their oh-my-god-I-met-Malice-one-time-and-she’s-like-sooo-nice stories. It’s true; she is the sweetest, most approachable badass you could hope to meet.

Something that you may not know about Malice is that she’s really funny. (Her deadpan is the greatest.) I was able to catch up with her on a recent trip to Portland, where she made a week-long cameo at Sassy’s (strip club) and picked up her red ’66 El Camino. I got her hyped on Chai and sweets (as she has 10 years sober) and asked questions.

For some reason, the voice recorder ate the part of the interview where she lets us know that she moved from Portland to LA in August 2010 in hopes of possibly working at the legendary Jumbo’s Clown Room. Jumbo’s wasn’t all that receptive so she ended up at Crazy Girls, where she is currently the emcee of the increasingly popular live band nights.

The Sixth Annual Vagina Beauty Pageant: A Judge’s Notes

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(All photos are courtesy of Hypnox Productions)

NSFW PHOTOS AFTER THE JUMP

It began with a long drive out to Hillsboro, Oregon, also known as BFO, or Butt Fuck Oregon. The spacious parking lot of the Runway Club was already almost full, and I motored past the flashing lights of the #VaginaMobile, to squeeze my tiny car next to a trailer. The sun was setting, and the excited energy was palpable.

It was 9 PM on a recent Thursday, and the stage was set for the world infamous Vagina Beauty Pageant. Runway is a newer club, about a year old, and I was pleased to see that their shift dancers varied in body shape from XXXtina Aguilera-thin to Taystee OITNB thick. Generally, Portland city dancers tend to be slender, white, and tattooed.

Much like all clubs though, the crowd was an even mix of single guys tipping, creepy guys leering, throw in a couple of jealous girlfriends sneering, and plenty of dancers hustling and heel-clacking.

The pageant’s creator, Dick Hennessy, took the stage and announced the rules. As usual, there would be no photography or touching allowed by the audience. Event photographer Hypnox handed a video camera to fellow judge Reed McClintock, at my left, and Vice contributor Susan Shepard readied her cell camera, as did I.

In contrast to last year’s scoring, contestants would be judged in two different ways. Performance scorecards would be held up after each competitor’s performance, visible to all. Privately, we passed index cards marking our score of the performers’ aesthetics. Hennessey devised this method specifically to avoid hurt feelings.