Thanks to everyone who voted in the first round through the weekend! The field is down to 32 songs, and if you want to jump straight to the results, here is the bracket with the first round winners. Here is a Spotify playlist. Let’s move on to the second round, where you’ll cast your votes to decide who moves on into the Sweet Sixteen. Voting is open until 12am PST Thursday and the next round will be announced Thursday morning. Voting is open to everyone.
The Rock bracket had disappointing showings for “Black No. 1″ and “Walk,” but I was impressed that everyone hates Nickelback SO MUCH that you knocked out the #2 seed right at the start. The second round matchup to watch? “Prison Sex” vs “Crazy Bitch.” Who will come out ahead? The durable goth/metal 90s hit or the deathless, awful Buckcherry anthem? If your unsurprising rock votes are any predictor, I’m going with Buckcherry. It’s like choosing between Sweatpants Boner Man and Guy With Shit Breath. [READ MORE]
The Rock bracket is stocked with songs that have held on to constant play for years. Rammstein, White Zombie, Marilyn Manson, Pantera, Danzig. I’m unclear on who decided that “Pepper” and “Mary Jane’s Last Dance” were perfect for the strip club, but both still get regular play. It was, and I’m laughing as I’m typing this, difficult to decide on which Nickelback song to include, but after some dressing room conversations with coworkers, it’s clear that “Shakin’ Hands” is the standout. [READ MORE]
It’s too bad that the Rick’s Stripper Basketball League never actually happened.
Our contribution to March Madness is this quest to determine The Greatest Strip Club Song Of All Time. The four regions are Rock, Dance and Pop, Hip Hop and R&B, and Classics. The songs, just like the teams in the NCAA tournament, are seeded 1-16. Here is the full bracket.
You will decide the winner. Voting is open to all, starting with the opening rounds today. If you somehow aren’t familiar with any of these songs, here is a Spotify playlist that has nearly all of them (save the Harry Pussy placeholder since Prince’s “Pussy Control” isn’t available).
Today we’ll start with the Hip Hop/R&B region. You’ll notice it’s probably the toughest region to get out of, loaded as it is with sex jams and make it rain anthems. The 1 seed is Ginuwine’s “Pony,” of course, but it was a tough call as Fat Joe and Lil Wayne essentially defined current strip club imagery with “Make It Rain.”
I’m just a bachelor who made one of the best R&B stripper jams of all time.
Hooking is definitely one of the better jobs I’ve had, but it’s still a job, and sometimes it gets me down. A slow week, a jerk client, a particularly gross newspaper article, being outed by a friend—it can be hard to keep your spirits up and your head in the money-making mindset amid all that noise. At those times, I like to take refuge in quality pop music and pithy political analysis. These songs combine both.
Dolly Parton, “9 to 5″
We all gotta work, and Dolly Parton (my hero) has always been pretty savvy about using what she’s got to get ahead. She also knows it’s not easy, and she never sugar-coats it either. If there’s a catchier, more incisive pop song about working women negotiating capitalism’s daily grind, I want to hear about it (I mean that, please tell me about it, I love that shit). This song never fails to perk me up before a particularly dire day or night of work. Whichever 9 to 5 you work, Dolly is there for you.
Salt-n-Pepa, “None of Your Business”
“Opinions are like assholes and everybody’s got one”.
Kelly didn’t get to sing this during the Super Bowl. Her songs are much, much dirtier than Beyoncé and Destiny’s Child, and “Kisses Down Low” is Rowland’s entry into one of the best types of sex songs: Lyrics About Eating Pussy As Sung By Women. Just last night I had to hear yet another customer talk about how he just loooooved to eat pussy, and how he was soooo good at it, I’d pay him *eyes actually leave sockets as muscles fail to stop their rolling.* While, when done right, it’s great, listening to those proclamations makes me wonder why there aren’t corresponding “stop fucking eating my pussy, you are so horrible at it it seems you have mistaken my vulva for corn on the cob and it feels so disgusting that I am nauseated” songs is beyond me and an inaccurate reflection of women’s sexual experience. It’s much more fun to hear a woman tell a man what she wants and how he’d better do it, and these three songs are solid, played-until-the-end-of-time strip club standards. [READ MORE]