But What About The Wives?

by Bettie on June 8, 2011 · 8 comments

in Clients

In part 5 of her series on sex work Rachel Rabbit White asks a question every ethical sex worker has to ask themselves at some point…What about the wives?

I don’t think of it much anymore, because most of what I do is stuff a lot of wives apparently won’t do (or so these guys think, most of them have told me they’d never ask anyway). But I did when I was doing other stuff. I highly doubt any wife is going to bristle at her husband begging to worship my feet. But, I reserve the right to be wrong, I am consistently amazed by the things women count as cheating.

This article references people who seem to be comfy with the sharing of partners so, I can’t lie, I kind of rolled my eyes a couple of times. Most people are possessive about their partners, that’s how most of us are socialized. Nevermind the fact that you cannot actually possess another human, nor should you be so arrogant as to believe that everything that other human will need (romantically at least) is located right inside you…I mean, none of us is really that special, in my opinion at least.

I imagine that if you buy into all that stuff about a husband being proof of womanliness, worth, and attraction, then you would be really upset if you find out your husband is also spending money on and paying attention to someone who isn’t you. I also suspect that of you are insecure about your looks or whether your husband thinks you are attractive enough to stay with (Because that’s all it takes to keep someone’s attention. Attractive, special women aren’t cheated on.) you will be upset about your husband seeing sex workers. Or it could be that you guys made a vow to not see other people, which is totally honorable and not indicative of insecurity, and I’m not being sarcastic here.

The article did touch on something I have been saying forever, that it’s better to cheat with one of us than to see a civvie and have her calling your house and ruining things. With sex workers you don’t get someone falling in love with you, but you do get to keep your livelihood!  If things fall apart it’s usually not because of us, we are nothing if not discreet…it’s part of the job. Plus, we don’t generally gain anything from telling, if anything we lose (customers, jobs, whatever).

The last paragraph summed it up though; Communication is key. I imagine that if the men who see me had someone to discuss their sexual proclivities with, or to act them out with, especially if it were a partner, they wouldn’t see me. Or, they would without all the guilt. The same could be said for any of our clients, perhaps. If the guys who saw escorts could tell their wives they want more sex or more whatever it is they get from the escorts they probably wouldn’t see them as much either, or they’d do it and everyone would be aware of what’s going on. To me, that’s the most honorable thing ever, to be honest and not living in fear and using aliases and stuff because you’re not sneaking around. On my webpage I tell clients that I don’t care about their lives outside our sessions, and care even less about their wives and kids, so they have no reason to call from blocked numbers, but they still do because they’re creeping. UGH. If everyone would be truthful it would save me so many grimaces and heavy sighs, and isn’t that what we all want? To make ME happy?

Don’t answer that, because I know you’re going to say yes.

Every relationship I’ve had bust up horribly has done so because people were keeping secrets and shit. Those secrets keep me in J. Crew and Virgin America Flights, but they also combust peoples lives, and both partners pay the consequences because the truth will come out. It always does.

I guess all I really have to say is what I tell my clients already: “You should talk to your fucking wife.”

The article is HERE

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Jada June 8, 2011 at 4:53 pm

My husband is one of the doctors who does the STD screenings for the Lyons county brothels in Nevada. Often when I have told that to neighbors/acquaintances the women will visibly recoil and or “ewwwwww.” And if they don’t outright ask, “how could you let your husband work with THEM?” I can at least see it in their eyes. It’s annoying. But at least I have turned it into a litmus test and can pretty accurately determine who is or is not potential friend material.

My response is usually the same every time. 1. I trust my husband with any and all of his patients. He is a professional and he wouldn’t jeopradize his livelihood by messing around with a patient. 2. Prostitutes and sex workers of all kinds are often an underserved population and I find it honorable and a positive reflection on his character that he treats them no differently than any other patient. [And as an aside, it is amazing how many of the girls have returned to him as their primary care doc besides their screenings because he does treat them well and with dignity.] 3. And last but not least, if my husband were going to go outside our relationship for sex I would hope that he would go to a prostitute. It’s the last one that makes their eyes bug out, of course. Some even turn a little white or tremble.

But seriously, I think it makes perfect sense. The prostitute isn’t going to fall in love, is clean, has no intention of disrupting our lives and when the deed is done it’s over. Not to say that I would be A-OK with it, because I would be horribly hurt, but it would be the best case scenario for extra marital sex. The worst case scenario would be him falling in love with someone else who had designs on become the wifey. Now the thought of THAT makes me a little white and trembly.

I love, love, LOVE the site, ladies. You have quickly become one of my must reads. Thanks and keep up the great work.

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Bettie Bettie June 8, 2011 at 5:19 pm

I LIKE YOU!

Also, I was about to say “Kudos” to your husband for treating sex workers like human beings, but part of the problem is that we congratulate folks for being decent as if it’s an accomplishment. What I should really say is “Kudos” to you for ending up with a good man…because there are so many crappy ones out there. Also, does he have a brother?

And thanks for the compliments on the site!

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Jada June 8, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Awwwwwww, I heart all of you, too!

You know, I briefly hesitated to include the part about him treating sex workers with dignity, and I totally cosign with this … “part of the problem is that we congratulate folks for being decent as if it’s an accomplishment.” Ultimately, I included it because the general population makes the distinction, and even in the medical community where there is supposed to be no distinction made in regards to someone’s profession and the level of care they receive, sex workers are often still degraded. If not to their face, then behind their back. And it is despicable.

He is one of the good ones, and it took me one failed marriage, a bunch of loser boyfriends and an uncountable number of unfortunate dates to find him. And if this one doesn’t work then I quit. Sorry, no brothers, he’s the oldest child with a bunch of sisters, which I think is one of the reasons he’s so good with women.

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Aiko June 9, 2011 at 8:54 am

Yes, another fantastic article. As I go through the archives I’m loving this site more and more. The article linked touches on an interesting issue when she writes about how kissing her husband goodbye to be with another partner or a date is different than “sending him off to a sex worker. ” If only more people saw it that way.

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Ciara June 12, 2011 at 2:02 am

Way to go to Jada’s husband- if only more health-care providers thought that way!
As for the wives… I’ve never had too much of an issue with that. I just give lapdances and talk to them about the stock exchange; most of my clients are retired, single gentlemen.
If I found out a guy is married, I usually try to get him to bring his wife/girlfriend in. I specialize in dances for women (as in, am probably the only girl at my club that will do a dance for a woman). Some of them bring them in and they always have a blast.. I’ve heard one guy laugh that his wife complains because she doesn’t also get to come to the club all the time. The sneaky point to this is that the men are usually given the all-clear, because their wives/gfs watching me dance and talk football/dogs/hunting with their guys and realize there’s nothing to be threatened by.

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Waldmeister June 17, 2011 at 6:58 pm

But What About The Boys?

As “one of the other side” I ask:
Why do you do smalltalk proudly about your boyfriend?
Fuck, I AM THE HERO OF THE HOUR!
& in a paid date I am the best, biggest and greatest man on earth;)
Prostitution is selling an illusion.
No less, no more.

I´ve experiented some strange things…
one girl shouted (after I explained that I have no partner) in jalousie “dont lie to me!”, another tried to marry me (ok, im not looking like Quasimodo and Im solvent, but this means not that I am a victim).
Divide between love and sex. And sometimes ppl needs only sex.

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Alice June 28, 2011 at 11:56 pm

Okay, I’m sorry, but this is a little unfair.
You can wax poetic all you’d like about how “society” has made people feel that a romantic relationship ought to be exclusively between two people, but it’s not just society that makes people feel that way, in my opinion. For lots of us, it’s just how we feel in our hearts–that we want the person we love to love us back, to the point where we are all they need romantically.
I am not saying that monogamous people aren’t attracted to other people, because we are. But because we love the other person, we don’t act on that attraction, because it would compromise everything upon which the relationship is based. And of course the person you’re dating isn’t going to have every single attribute you want, but that’s why we have friends–the funny friend, the supportive friend, the wild friend–to help satisfy other social needs.
If you can’t find one person who has most of the qualities you want or who makes you really, really happy without the aid of other people, you are not looking hard enough.
Furthermore, I don’t think slews of men are hitting up prostitutes and strippers just because their wives don’t put out. Plenty of women want more sex in their lives too, and I think that there are often more serious problems at play–in a comfortable, healthy relationship, either party should feel free to speak up and say, “Hey, dude, I love you, and I love sex with you, and when we don’t have it I feel neglected and I don’t want to have to seek it out elsewhere, so let’s get it on!”
All that being said, I have no issues with poly-amorous or open relationships. To each their own. And I understand that dwelling on your clients’ relationships is pointless, and it is in absolutely no way your fault or responsibility if they happen to be in a committed relationship. I just think it’s equally unfair to be like, “Well, let’s blame society, because everyone should just feel comfortable sharing their partner with others and shouldn’t be so ‘selfish,’ because ‘you cannot actually possess another human.'” Some people really believe in true love, and that’s not naivety. My parents have been faithful and very, very happy for decades, and the true is same of many other people I know. In a happy relationship, you don’t possess the other person, nor do they possess you; you both have fulfilling, separate, individual lives. But you LOVE EACH OTHER, which makes other people redundant.
Ugh. Sorry, but this article came across so bitter and depressing to me. I just don’t believe that’s how things are for everyone. I appreciate that your viewpoint works for you–and, undoubtedly, millions of other people–but the majority of people I know find their greatest happiness in exclusive relationships (and many of them have tried poly- and open relationships, to boot). So instead of acting like all monogamous people are selfish and unrealistic, maybe you should acknowledge that your view is a little harsh on humanity and the power of love.
This has pretty much nothing to do with the sex-work side of things, I was just bowled over at how disparaging of the institution of marriage this article is. There has to be a reason people fight so hard for the right to marry (congrats, New York!), after all.

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Bettie Bettie June 29, 2011 at 10:16 am

Next time read the entire post before shooting off a comment that doesn’t actually fly against what I’m saying the way you think it does.

Have a great day.

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