Kat

Kat has been stripping since 2003 and blogging about it since 2009. She works at a club next to the Chips Ahoy factory. Sometimes it smells like cookies but usually it just smells like cheap body spray. She doesn't think it's very funny to make fun of deceased prostitutes and doesn't see why you can't just stick with a good old-fashioned dick joke. You can find her on twitter. You may send mail to kat [at] titsandsass.com but she must insist that you don't send her any form of poetry whatsoever.

On Stripper Burnout

by Kat on March 25, 2013 · 12 comments

in Blond Leading the Blind, Strippers, Tools of the Trade

Burnout is a beast with which anyone doing emotional labor is all too familiar. It can be devastating when you pay to work and your income depends on appearing… not burned out. Isn’t it wild how you think everything’s cool and then out of nowhere and you find yourself paralyzed by the mere thought of approaching customers because you just know they’ll say something stupid and ruin your night?

Maybe you strip in a city where 60 strip clubs compete for a small market by continually raising stakes and lowering prices, desperately trying to lure business with $9.99 surf ‘n’ turf, $1 Pabst Blue Ribbon, dollar dances, free buffets, free porn, midget features, topless bartenders, topless waitresses, topless DJs, naked violinists. Your peers are diving headfirst into laps chasing single dollar bills like retrievers, two-girl tangoing, butt-plugging, Tootsie Pop-penetrating, and that’s just on stage.

Maybe you think about how much money you spend on the costs of being a Responsible Adult and divide it by $20 lapdances and it hurts your heart. Or you hear “Young Turks” and you think about how many times you must have heard that song when it was on the jukebox of your first club in 2003 but now you really understand “life is so brief/time is a thief when you’re undecided,” and the thought of having to shave is reason enough not to try today.

I’m sure you won’t be surprised to find out that I’m describing myself. But you might be surprised to know that I’m still a decent earner. All it takes is just a consistent conscious effort. I’m out here fighting the good fight against burnout. If your shifts are wastes of makeup and sometimes you make a U-turn in the strip club parking lot, I feel your pain. This list is for you. [READ MORE]

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Naked Music Monday: Dance of Sugar Plum the Stripper

by Kat on December 17, 2012 · 1 comment

in Naked Music Monday

Historically, I haven’t been a big fan of Christmas, which is why I’ve been parading around at work as a sexy Ms. Claus since Thanksgiving ended. I’ve come to realize that the key to getting through the holidays is to really embrace them and have fun with it: make them your bitch. If you don’t own any holiday lingerie, I suggest you change that because red velvet with white fuzzy trim is flattering on every type of attitude. Want to express your newfound cheer on stage but can’t think of any vaguely strip club appropriate holiday music? We got you. Not to mention these lyrics are less offensive than “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” (If dancing to hip hop isn’t really your thing, then check out last year’s edition.)

Too $hort, “The Hanukkah Song” It’s only two minutes long, so it’s a great song to strip to if you really have to pee and didn’t have time before your stage set because a female customer puked all over the bathroom. Plus now you don’t have to dance to Adam Sandler, which is something you shouldn’t have been doing anyway, however hysterical “At A Medium Pace” may be to you. This just came out, so dance to it first and yell at everyone else for stealing your song.

Eazy E, “Merry Muthaphuckkin’ Xmas” This one’s a muthaphuckkin’ classic.

[READ MORE]

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Kat’s Paycation Guide

by Kat on July 25, 2012 · 4 comments

in Blond Leading the Blind, Strippers, Tools of the Trade

Strip tripping can be fun and lucrative, or you can come back with less money and an ego so bruised that you’ll change the subject whenever anyone asks about that trip that you wouldn’t shut up about before you left. There was the time that I went to Indianapolis during the Indy 500 because a lonely juggalette stripper on the Internet told me I’d make like ten thousand dollars, minimum. And then there was the time that I just showed up in Hawaii and had to eat Burger King and Subway for a week. I would like to think that I know what I’m doing by now, and since I’m not nice enough to tell you where the money’s good, I’ll at least share tips that have made my life easier. This list is inspired by badass seasoned road stripper Story’s advice, so please look at it first.

Through Being Cool: If Vegas is on your stripper bucket list, or you can’t stop looking at everyone’s Guam Facebook pics, then I won’t stop you from going to the popular stripping destinations. But I think you’re going to have more luck at the club in the middle of nowhere that you’ve never heard of. You know why you’ve never heard of it? Because strippers keep the best places to themselves. Get rustic. Is the customer riding a horse around the parking lot not a big deal? Do the dancers pee in the dressing room trashcan? Go there. [READ MORE]

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Two VICE Writers Walk Into A Bar

by Kat on May 8, 2012 · 33 comments

in Strippers, You're Not Funny

I try not to let the positions of the sun, moon, and other planetary objects dictate how I go about my daily life. That being said, there are two things I really try to avoid when there is a full moon: using public transportation and working at the strip club. People get weird. Hipster girls on lesbianic friend dates find their way into the club, act like assholes, and then blog about it.

I’ve never been to Pumps myself, but I can visualize a strip club with the lights on and the music off, the bartender counting out the till, the bouncer placing stools on the bar, and the dancers getting dressed. On a busy Friday night, this might be the first time they’ve all been in the same place at the same time. They can finally ask each other “what was up with those really drunk bitches?” and “did you see when they got kicked out and one of them screamed that she left her scarf and that we’re mean? It was amazing.” And then someone will note that maybe the supermoon brought out such bad behavior from a pair of women who didn’t look like they would be jerks. Some of them would give the two the benefit of the doubt and agree that they are probably nicer people when they’re not doing shots underneath a 14% bigger, 30% brighter moon. [READ MORE]

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